my relationship with my mother in a sort of poem

it’s gone beyond tough love at this point

the approach poisoned with suspicion

why would i want to obey

when threats are thrown like hot coals at my feet

making me dance into submission

and why?! would i want to share the tangles of my mind

when you pry further than what is respectful or right?

the claustrophobia is overwhelming

the feeling of being stuck is a lump caught in my throat

and i want to cry

but i won’t

because you’ll tell me i’m being overdramatic

and that i must grow the fuck up

the world’s a little blurry

or maybe it’s just my eyes

sun trickling down through the oak leaves

creating dappled patterns on my hands

hands

i can’t feel them 

except for a slight tingle

second and third fingers i press to where my thumb joins my arm

prodding around for the evidence of my existing mortality

there i am

two ticks reminding me i’m still here in flesh

though my mind might be adventuring

- dissociated

(first and second lines from “ilomilo” by billie eilish)

(the rest by me :)

but how, tell me, how? do i break free from the chains of manipulation whilst being pulled down under by my fear of disappointing?

i want so desperately to give, to please, to prove myself worthy

but they take, oh, they take

plump pieces of my sanity and toss but the crumbs of what’s left back in my face

but wait

that sweet carrot that they for so long dangled in front of my hungry face has now lost its attractive hue

look how it is now shrivelled and without juice or succulence 

dry in the mouth that once craved its alleged sustenance 

the plaster hurts as it’s yanked off

in one go

all done

no more

recognition of the truth floods my mind with each step i take with back toward them

they’re still shouting

even as i leave forever

that i’ll never amount to much without their precious guidance and wisdom

but i block my ears to them with my new found freedom

disrobing myself of the dirty cardigan of control

and i relish in the waterfall that is life without them

fresh

new

and truly mine

if F•R•I•E•N•D•S were set in modern day