The Great Flamingo Uprising

I told this story to a few guildies a while back and decided to archive it in a longer format; so here is the story of The Great Flamingo Uprising of 2010 as told to me by my favorite cousin who was a keeper at the time.

In addition to the aviary/jungle exhibit, our zoo has several species of birds that pretty much have the run of the place.  They started with a small flock of flamingos and some free-range peacocks that I’m almost certain came from my old piano teacher’s farm.  She preferred them to chickens.  At some point in time they also acquired a pair of white swans (Or as I call them, “hellbirds”) and some ornamental asian duckies to decorate the pond next to the picnic area.  Pigeons, crows, assorted ducks and a large number of opportunistic Canada geese moved in on their own. 

Now; the ponds that dot the zoo property (I don’t remember how many there are but the one by the picnic area is the only one with swans) were also full of ginormous koi fish, some of whom by now are at least three feet long.  Sensing an opportunity to cash in on the koi, the zoo put up little vending machines all over the place that dispense handfuls of food pellets.  I swear to god the fish can hear the crank turning, and will show up at the nearest railing, blooping expectantly at whoever happens to be standing there and doing their best to appear starving and desperate. 

Like this.^  And they weren’t the only ones who learned to associate the sound with the imminent arrival of food.  The Canada geese knew a good deal when they saw one, and had long since ceased to migrate anyway.  They formed roving gangs of thug-geese and staked out their turf around the vending machines, ready to mug anyone with pocket change.  Picture yourself as a small child squaring off with a bird fully prepared to strip search you while standing on your feet and yelling “HWAAAAAKK!!” in your face.  It’s traumatizing to you and deeply hilarious to your parents.

Anyway.

The flamingos had their spot near the zoo entrance and never seemed to mind the presence of the other birds, as they kept themselves to themselves and didn’t really like the taste of fish pellets.  The problem lay in that their shrimp pond was close to a vending machine.  Ordinarily that wouldn’t have been an issue at all, but eventually the goose population grew large enough that one of the gangs decided to annex it.  Being territorial little shits, they would harass the poor flamingos any time they strayed within ten feet of it.  The flamingos tolerated this for years until one day they snapped collectively.  Here’s a summary of the incident in chronological order.

1.) It was a hot day, so everyone in question both human and avian, were cranky by the time the zoo even opened. 2.) A few flamingos (let’s call them The Jets) strayed into the radius of the vending machine and were immediately confronted by the indignant hissing geese (The Sharks) 3.) Possibly due to heat and the simple fact that the geese had been giant douchebags for far too long, the flamingos decided fuck it, this time they were going to FIGHT BACK DAMMIT, and swarmed the geese en mass. 4.) Chaos ensued.  The geese were outnumbered 4 to 1 but had the advantage of being able to scream for back-up.  5.) Hearing the shrieking Canada geese and the bellowing of the enraged flamingos, the peacocks came to the conclusion that the apocalypse had come upon them and began to gather in the surrounding trees in droves and wail in despair.  Or cheer them on, whichever. 6.) NOISE 7.) Apparently one of the siege tactics employed by the geese is to shit explosively all over the sidewalks. Never in the grass.  8.) The geese, having secured reinforcements from all over the zoo, went berserk and proceeded to attack EVERYBODY who had come to watch be they human or otherwise. 9.) The flamingos were chasing/being chased by the geese through the crowd accompanied by cheers/wails from the peacocks in the box seats. 10.) Complete pandemonium when the zoo tram became stalled on the tracks by the flamingo pond due to battling birds.  The Jets, sensing these were somehow reinforcements on the side of the Sharks, charged the tram.  Adults were doing the duck and cover.  So were the ducks.  Small children were screaming, adding to the noise.  People were slipping on goose shit and hitting the ground in the fetal position, only to be stampeded by the rampaging flamingos. 11.) The koi continued to bloop hopefully for food. 12.) Two of the geese were cornered by a rival gang of their own and were chased into the swan pond.  Cue slow-motion. 13.) The swans detected an enemy presence in their territory and by god, SOMEBODY was going to PAY.  14.) The staff were having no luck in breaking up the fight and on the verge of giving up and just building another zoo elsewhere when the hellbirds stormed the battlefield, trumpeting battle-cries, to dispense feathered justice.  The staff promptly dropped their brooms and fled. 15.) The uprising was squashed in less than two minutes.  Number of casualties was unknown, feathers were flying everywhere and there was enough goose shit to build another bird.  One staff member had been knocked to the ground and was left with a melon sized bruise courtesy of one of the hellbirds.  Several children were traumatized, probably for life.  The zoo eventually removed the vending machine by the flamingos. 

The geese went back to being giant douchebags. Because geese.

I guarantee you this is the best thing you’ll read all week.

Finally a body posi video featuring more than one WOC.

I would like to hug all of them

And I’m lost in my bedroom again

Tamagotchi doodle

Snapchat: chilledsalsa

Twitter: ihatealexstorm

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Saliva💦

A Classic Swedish Princess Cake (Klassisk prinsesstårta)

Eight Things To Do If You Accidentally Commit A Consent Violation Because You're A Fucking Idiot

a consent violation happens anytime one partner states a boundary or asks to stop, and the other partner doesn't uphold it.

it can also happen when a partner introduces an activity without getting consent first.

when this happens with malicious intention it's obviously assault, but some consent violations happen by accident: for example, when a boundary is forgotten or misinterpreted, or when a safeword goes unheard or misinterpreted.

if you're the top, dom, rigger or giver of an accidental consent violation with a trusted partner:

Step One: embrace that this is 100% your fault.

a bottom may try to blame themselves. they might feel they could have reminded you of something, been clearer, or called a safeword.

these lines of reasoning are all bullshit, and if you accept such outs (or worse, try to argue them yourself) then you're weak.

the only thing that matters is what tangible changes YOU can commit to in order to ensure that you never make that sort of mistake again--and then, showing over time that you can keep those commitments.

2. expect (and probably, initiate) multiple rounds of conversation about the incident.

it's not uncommon for a bottom who's initially dismissive about something you screwed up to find later that they're struggling to trust you and/or themselves.

so after a kink-accident or misunderstanding, don't be surprised if an initially dismissive conversation is followed shortly afterwards by one or more much harder conversations.

it might even help to initiate 2nd and 3rd conversations about it yourself;

and ideally, all of those discussions should be part of an ongoing conversation about the play you guys have and how you each feel about it.

3. if being told about your mistake makes you feel sad or depressed, the odds are pretty good that you should shut the fuck up immediately.

your sense of guilt is not only useless, but it's ultimately self-centered. punishing yourself does not fix anything, and doing so openly can cause your partner to feel bad about telling you the truth.

at all costs, avoid a situation where a person you hurt is compelled to switch to a caretaker role to comfort you about your fuckup.  whether you intend it or not, that's inherently manipulative.

if you feel compelled to "punish" yourself, do so in private by making a point to think about the harm you've caused, actively feeling the associated emotions, and then eventually letting them pass. repeat as necessary.

4. recognize that as a top, dom or rigger, negative feedback is one of the greatest gifts anyone can give you.

it takes a strong partner to call out the broccoli stuck in your teeth. someone who doesn't care would've just let you walk around like that.

so be grateful, and if possible, do your best to help your partner feel good about the concern they've brought to you.

5. don't stop until you get to the core of what happened.

even if the bottom insists that they weren't harmed in any way by your mistake, the fact that it happened means you've fallen into bad habits which need to be dealt with--otherwise, your next mistake (even a "small" one) could result in someone being hurt very badly.

if you didn't hear someone, you need to ask why you weren't listening more closely. if you misunderstood someone, you need to ask why you didn't clarify with your partner. if you forgot something, you need to ask how you developed bad habits with communication.

if intoxicating substances were present at the time of your fuckup, you should be prepared to ask yourself tough questions about your relationship with those chemicals (and yes, that includes marijuana). 

the answers to these questions are sometimes complicated, and dealing with such problems is often something that happens over time.

6. keep working to establish better habits and continue the conversation.

actively seek feedback from your partners. it helps to sometimes ask specifically about what sort of ways you can improve.

7. understand that even if it was an accident, if people are hurt then they are not obligated to forgive you.

8. additional, unknown things that I can't include here because i don't know everything and my own learning process is ongoing.

-RG

Bruised booty bite

This bruise kind of looks like an avocado 🥑

LEMON COCONUT PETAL CAKE

Encourage her when you fuck her face

“Good job baby” “There you go” “Just like that” “You suck this dick so good”

You’ll be surprised how nasty she get. You’re welcome.

im just thinking about rubbing a girl through her panties, nice and slow. kissing and marking her neck as she gets wetter for me. then moving them to the side and pushing my fingers in and she melts at my touch. while i whisper sweet words into her ear, “…you’re so cute when your pussy is filled” and, “..that’s it, be a good girl and take it.” letting her cum all over my hand and rubbing her lips with it before i push the fingers that were just in her into her mouth.