you're all i have left and i pray that you'll listen

You know what? Fuck you (Istanbuls your Constantinople)

this is so damn funny lmaooo

i sent this to my friend who was a DA in his state cuz i could hear this in his voice and i was not disappointed:

This is like unearthing an ancient artifact from a forgotten civilization

I like this joke!

stepped on a plum (overripe plum) (barefoot) it was on the driveway got out of the car and accidentally (didn't know it was there) stepped on the plum (warm) (on the ground) (it had fallen from the tree) barefoot (no shoes) wearing long pants (too long) (need to hem them) plum viscera got on them (the pants) unexpected plum on the driveway (hot plum) (97 degrees out) already super hungover (throwing up all morning) (should not have been driving at all) and I stepped out of the car (black car) (97 degrees out) and onto the plum (unexpected) (didn't know the plum was there) and it burst (plum nightmare on my only good pair of sweatpants) still we find ways to keep ourselves going from day to day

CANNOT stop thinking about the Josh fight. Over 100 guys named josh got together to fight with pool noodles and they all decided that the winner was a five year-old so tiny the Burger King crown was too big for him. And they lifted him into the air and cheered like he was Simba. Earth is a good place to be after all

mime ex-boyfriend won't stop pretending to key your car, escapes repeatedly on imaginary bicycle

your IP adress has been reduced to FOUR. 

baikal seals look like if you do so much as breathe a single molecule on them theyll disintegrate into a small puddle of tears

they look like they make the laminated sheet wobble sound unprompted and constantly

someone needs to invent reverse cornflakes. i want to eat a cereal that gives me a demonic erection and inflicts upon me an insatiable lust

congratulations for writing the funniest and also most correct tags on this post

Shiite Muslim pilgrims visit the holy shrine of Imam Abbas of Karbala, Iraq, Friday, June 25, 2021. (AP Photo/Hadi Mizban)

Just walked past a group of girls rather quickly and I heard one of them say "oh she is proceeding" as I turned the corner

Susan Sontag, As Consciousness Is Harnessed to Flesh

WHEN U TRYNA TAKE A PILL AND IT TOUCHES YA TOUNGE AND U TASTE IT

not now bernie

reblog if u think a snail or a slug would say “happy goo year” !! 🐌✨

oh my god