bittersweet {2}

Summary: Steve lost you once, and he doesn’t want to risk it again. Too bad he only has three months. | modern AU

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Language; angst

Word Count: 2.1k

A/N: Here is part 2 of my entry for Sofi’s [ @nataliarxmanxva ] writing challenge! hope you all enjoy! // bittersweet {1} | masterlist

Keep reading

y’all: finally the EVIL summer is over!!!!!!!! getting ready for my one true bae fall!!!!!! pumpkin spice and aesthetic here i COME!!!!!!

me, a northener: 

me, a southerner:

me, a Californian:

Only reblogging for the last comment

Twisty the Clown: Cock Blocker Extraordinaire

I love Mexico so fucking much.

Film is just a great medium to express yourself and a great environment to work around.

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

A Psychoanalysis of Bucky Barnes and a look into Sebastian Stan’s acting skills.

Fuck I just watched this video and the winter soldier/civil war feels came crashing back and I’m crying because hell Seb’s acting is unbelievable and I’m hormonal and pmsing and I just hate when this random shit hits me for no reason. 

Like I want you to go watch the three CA movies and damn those small details, whether it’s the tears not rolling down the face or the jaw clenching or the fist or the arms whirring or his little chest shuddering and breaking. Like this man can do so much without saying a single syllable and you’ll be a crying puddle on the floor. I understand all these actors are winning shit for their performances but put someone else in Seb’s place and the movies will flop. I’m not saying this because he’s my favorite actor. I’m saying this because to be capable of acting a thousand emotions without saying a single fucking word is hard. It takes skill. It takes talent. And my god Sebastian Stan is full of talent. He was so capable of understanding this character’s past, present, and future state of mind and acted all of those thoughts and emotions and experiences like it was as easy as drinking coffee.

Just look at him. An entire fucking movie and he said a few lines…probably a page worth. All the acting was with his eyes and the role was flawless. Absolutely flawless.

Moving on to this video because why not break more hearts while I’m at it. The question at 1:23…and the answer at 1:26. I’m sure your hearts were broken when this scene played out and you were sitting in the theater eating your popcorn and drowning in your tears. Here’s why this is excruciating to watch and I’m not sure if anyone did this yet but here you go.

We know he is a super soldier. We know that he was in and out of cryo for decades. We know that they erased his memories when needed. We know he was classically conditioned basically to follow orders without hesitation and if there ever was any hesitation, guess what, there were consequences. Even a simple question got him slapped across the face by the asshole who abused him all those years and he didn’t even flinch. You know why? CAUSE HE FUCKING GREW USED TO IT. Try acting all of this in a scene with just your eyes and mouth. Good fucking luck.

Sorry I moved to another point but look. He is a super soldier. Those biochemicals did not just affect his muscles, or his nervous system, or his aging, or his skills, or his fight or flight reflexes. They affected him everywhere. Including his brain and his psyche. So ya, they erased his memories but the serum regenerates cells, creates new cells instead of the dying ones, and probably fixes cells as well. So he most likely got flashbacks but was so busy doing HYDRA’s bidding that he may have never focused on them that much and brushed them aside because if he didn’t, guess what, CONSEQUENCES.

Anyway, if the serum does this, then no matter how many times they erased his memories, and no matter how many times they read those god damn words that again, basically Pavlovian conditioned him, he was still going to remember. Remember all of them.

I understand that not many people believe in hypnosis but there is a reason why it’s used to recover traumatic memories in children or patients suffering from PTSD (which is by the way, a whole other fucking story). Let’s pretend for a second that the words used by his superiors were sort of like hypnosis. They say the words, they tell him to kill, he abides. But then he remembers again. Because the downside of hypnosis is remembering memories by accident and wishing you never fucking tried from the beginning because it’s too painful. And the other problem with hypnosis is, it can be triggered by accident. And it sort of if I understood this one research article correctly, help you recall more memories in the long run. –> search traumatic memories and hypnosis for more information

So let’s say he was asked to kill someone right? The memories of previous crimes he committed can be triggered by him performing a new crime, whether it is the cause of a gun, a human screaming, someone fighting for their life, or simply THE FUCKING WORDS BEING READ BECAUSE HIS SUBCONSCIOUS ALREADY FUCKING ASSOCIATED THE CRIMES PERFORMED TO THE WORDS. –> this is called using a condition stimuli as a retrieval cue in case anyone wants to read up on it.

There is a reason he cries in pain when the stupid asshole in Civil War repeats those words. It’s not just because he knows he’s about to lose control and commit a crime, it’s because all those murders and crimes come rushing in through his head and he remembers every.single.cry.someone.begged.for.his.life.screamed. 

You don’t believe me. Let’s focus on the scene when Steve asks him “which Bucky am I talking to?” So, after he escaped, he went to the museum, and the memories started to come back. Why? Because Steve was a sort of retrieval cue that made him remember his days from before he was forced to join HYDRA.

All of this is acquired subconsciously through using Tulving’s Encoding Specificity Principle. Briefly, and I recommend you go read up on it just so you could understand how much went into this role, this principle highlights the important between the background contextual cues present when you are learning and/or testing a new behavior (that being the words read out loud to control the WS) and the retrieval cues present when you are trying to test out or “release” this new behavior (saying the cues again the next time). So the correct retrieval of memories/behaviors depends on a match between the condition present during learning and the conditions present during testing. Sorry for the all the psychology but just bear with me for a little longer.

When the words are said, Bucky is under hypnosis/conditioned to perform an action. So during that entire time, his brain is committing to memory every single action he is taking. He goes back to cryo and sleeps. The longer he sleeps, the more his brain processes those behaviors and memories. He wakes up, they say those words, and he remembers again what he has done and before you know it, neurons fire and he remembers again. There is a saying called neurons that fire together wire together meaning that those neurons responsible for reacting to the words being said are also remembering the actions taken immediately after these words are said. So then he performs another mission, and those neurons fire again, and thus a memory is created. Because those neurons are so active, it’s harder to get rid of them, a term called extinction. (I don’t really believe in that term because it’s been shown that you can reacquire a memory or behavior that you forgot.) Anyway, no matter how many times they “prep him” or “wipe him,” those neurons are so fucking active that you literally cannot get rid of them. Not only because of how active they are but because of the serum helping him through all this shit.

Now, to answer the question when Tony asks him, Tony thinks that Bucky is saying that as in he knew very well what he was doing when he was murdering those innocent people. I have to say, if I were in Tony’s place, I would also want to murder the man responsible for my parents’ death. But what Bucky meant as, I remembered all of them when I wish I don’t but I have no choice because my brain is so fired up on that fucking serum that it is physically impossible for me to forget anything and I am sorry for actually remembering them.

That’s what’s going through his fragile head right now. That’s what’s been going on since he was kidnapped because let’s face it, he was. He had to deal with all that shit. 

Why else would he tell Steve that “it always ends in a fight.” BECAUSE THE ONLY THING HE REMEMBERS IS EVERYTHING ENDING IN A GOD DAMN FIGHT THAT HE WISHES HE WAS NOT INVOLVED IN.

Side note…sorry again. But Bucky does have PTSD. The nightmares, the memories, the action and reaction. He has PTSD, which can be triggered, again, by performing the same actions you performed during whatever trauma you went through. So basically every time he fights, these memories hit him like a ton of bricks, making it even harder to forget…if it wasn’t hard enough.

I mean he keeps repeating his name over and over again to feel grounded, knowing very well that he can’t. He keeps yelling stop when the words are read because he knows what’s coming next. He tells Steve that he doesn’t know if he’s worth all of this because he literally knows it and just wants to hear someone saying that he is because god knows he was not responsible for those assassinations. He is holding onto that last shred of sanity knowing that at any moment, it can be taken away, just like that…poof. Because it’s so easy to control him…it’s so easy to try and make him be the winter soldier again.

Just whispering that “god I knew this would happen…everything that HYDRA put inside my head is still there…all you have to do is say the god damn words.” Can you imagine his state? Like can you grasp the amount of horrible memories he’s reliving every time he gets a nightmare? He’s not just running away from HYDRA. He’s running away from the possibility that this could all take place again. He knows it’s not safe for him to be awake…literally he chooses to go back to cryo. And what makes this all even worse is the fact that he will relive all those horrible memories while he’s in cryo. Like fuck man are you serious? 

He hates the fact that he never flinched when they used the words. All he was capable of saying is “ready to comply.” He doesn’t want to remember being that heartless machine anymore because it just makes him feel more like the devil when he’s just a broken angel. They literally used him to save his boss when they were making more soldiers. And not just that…because let’s face it, he would be required to save that man even if it means that he might die…he was used AS A FUCKING DOLL SO THE OTHERS WOULD TRAIN BY HITTING HIM. 

He was abused. In all aspects of the word. Physically. Emotionally. Psychologically. Mentally. FOR DECADES!!!!!!

Also, in case you needed more proof, he needs to report every mission after it’s done. So in Civil War, when the asshole asks him “Mission Report December 16, 1991,″ Bucky reports it, which means that HE IS FUCKING WIRED TO REMEMBER ALL THE MISSIONS IN CASE THE FILES ARE LOST AND HYDRA NEEDS TO KNOW WHOM THEY TOOK CARE OF. THEY FUCKING WIRED HIM TO REMEMBER HIS MISSIONS, THOSE HEARTLESS BITCHES.

So here you go, my little psych rant about Bucky Barnes and how Sebastian conveyed all of the above like a fucking boss.

Also, this is why I really hate watching the Captain America movies.  I get held up on all the psychology shit behind these movies that I spend too much time feeling bad for him and not actually enjoying the movie.

So thank you Sebastian Stan for being you and for being such a brilliant actor.

This…is…amazing…wow. <3

This is exactly why I love watching the Captain America films. Because they are pure brilliance. This entire post is only about a little piece of the whole thing, the whole complex construction those films are. 

I am amazed by the meta behind this, thank you so, so much, @221bshrlocked! I love this so much. This meta is one of the things that trigger my inspiration the most for my fics. I really admire the complexity of character and the hint at deep psychology that the Russo brothers have brought to the Marvel Universe. I know how hard it is to come up with lines (yes, I know, they have a guideline because of the comics, but still), and especially with lines of a few words that actually reward every observant and dedicated person in the audience, because of their fullness. They reveal aspects of the character without explicitly expressing them, but the words chosen are so strong or just so pregnant with psychology that you could write a book about all the details that are behind them. 

Characters need to suffer, but Bucky is suffering an amount of pain that no man should ever, ever have to endure. Even Steve’s pain doesn’t compare, but then again, it is a different kind of pain too, so you can’t really compare them (in some aspects, yes, but not in all of them, obviously).  Maybe that’s the beauty then, of the Captain America films, the incredible contrast (I mean, literally no one can believe it, and I’m sure for Bucky it looks like it’s too good to be true) of the background of Bucky as the Winter Soldier and the redemption and brotherlike friendship Steve unconditionally offers to him - in an instant, even if it means leaving all the other world (and the family he’s been looking for for so long, his Avengers) behind.

I love how psychology explains all that happens in Bucky’s head. I love how Sebastian portrays him. We all know the Winter Soldier is a weapon, a trained assassin, a perfect sniper, merciless, etc. But Sebastian shows us the fragility of his mind. With his eyes. With the tiniest, most delicate movements. Maybe that’s why I loved the Winter Soldier so much during the first film. I didn’t even understand he was Bucky. I had to look it up when Steve asked, “Bucky?” Because honestly, it had been a long time between the films and I had forgotten about Bucky. It’s amazing. This man should win something big. But Sebastian shows us the fragility of his mind. With his eyes. With the tiniest, most delicate movements. Maybe that’s why I loved the Winter Soldier so much during Captain America: Winter Soldier. I didn’t even understand he was Bucky. I had to look it up when Steve asked, “Bucky?” Because honestly, it had been a long time between the films and I had forgotten about Bucky. Maybe that’s why I loved the Winter Soldier so much during the first film. I didn’t even understand he was Bucky. I had to look it up when Steve asked, “Bucky?” Because honestly, it had been a long time between the films and I had forgotten about Bucky. 

I understand Bucky is in physical pain every time he looks in the mirror. Flashbacks, phantom pains, memories of pain. Maybe his misery, his character (not) flaw (but I can’t find the right word), is -and that’s what makes it so tragic- that he is pure, he is good, but now someone used him for a long time, made him do things, unspeakable things, abused him, and he wants to run away from himself, but he can’t. His arm reminds him of who he was (and as sweet as all the drabbles and fanfic are, I can’t believe he’ll get over that so soon) and everything he’s ever done, and he would rather run away from all this and never meet any person he’s ever known ever again. But he can’t.   And then Steve shows up and says: “Bucky, you’re worth all this effort. I care about you. I’m with you till the end of the line.” And then, there is more fighting and more shit happening and Bucky is basically where Steve was in The Avengers, because he wants to go back, to his old home, where everything was okay, but time went on and now the world has changed so much that the only thing left from his past is Steve and Bucky can’t run away because behind every corner, there could be someone waiting for him. And Bucky is still a good man, tucking his pain away, so the other guys at Leipzig Airport can’t see and only when Steve and Sam get him and talk to him in a little abandoned workshop, he opens up. He doesn’t want to be a burden, he’s a gentleman like Steve and Bucky know no one will ever understand his pain. But he tries to let Steve back into his life and he entrusts him with this information even despite all his body and mind telling him to stop because punishment will come. I don’t think Bucky really knows or has so much confidence in Steve’s abilities that he believes that he himself will make it out free (of course, we know what Steve is capable of), but Bucky knows how Steve has always been. He doesn’t back off. He finds a way. (Because tell me, how much time has Bucky spent with Steve after the war? Not much at all. But he remembers things about Steve, he was at the museum and his brain cells recover memories, and even if he’s damaged, he knows Steve can be trusted.)

It’s amazing. Sebastian Stan man should win something big. Like, all the Oscars at once. (Just a suggestion.)

cell post (just something little I posted when I still studied molecular biology)

You’re totally right man. With regards to the writing and the screenplay, I think Marvel pretty much nailed picking their writers, directors, and clearly, actors. This is why MCU is my favorite. They pay attention to the little details that make the performance sooooo much more. It makes you pay close attention to the actors, the scenes, the play-out of everything, and it gives me chills.

But to continue were you and I left off (because I was tired last night and didn’t write enough), I’ll go in order of movies because why not prove that Seb really is amazing at playing Bucky. Proof with gifs because now I have the energy to look for them (none of these are mine btw).  Brace yourselves for what’s under the cut.

Keep reading

*under breath* … FUCK ME

Whatwhatwhat? When? Where? How?

Actually i don’t care. I just love it. Also i’ve just done a brief calculation, that must be at least 130lbs he’s lifting. Holy mother of god…

@angryschnauzer Actually, the first pic is 205. The bar itself weighs 45 pounds. It’s even better than you imagined ;) Second pic is 175.

Holy shit. Wow.

This picture gave me an imaginary boner 😍👌🏼

why Athelnar is canon

• ragnar sails all the way back to england to find athelstan

• he has dreams about athelstan like all the time

• because this:

• he asks athelstan to join him in bed TWICE  

• because praying 

• athelstan left england despite his position and importance with king ecbert to go live with ragnar again

• because holding and stoking hands 

• because he tried his best to give him a christian funeral 

• ragnar gave up his religion and his chance of being reunited with his friends and family in valhalla and demanded that he be baptised so that he could be reunited with athelstan in heaven 

because

he did THAT

What is this mans name

Johnny Manuel and he’s from Flint, Michigan @melaninmadnesss

Part 3

Part 2

I’m speechless lol