managed to get my assignment in on time even though i had to catch up on studying a nine-week topic in the space of about one week bc i have been so very busy and do i respond to this by taking a nap or do i, like a sensible person, spend my evening browsing around trying to figure out if there's a way i could do another degree now because i'm not busy enough or something

(there isn't, unless someone wants to just like, give me six grand a year for the next several years. a pity. probably for the best because i absolutely should not do two completely unrelated degrees and work full time all at once, that would be extremely bad for me but i still would if i could.)

anyway i am enjoying my new job a lot. it makes me think a lot more and i spend so much of my time just researching or writing and utilising my actual skills and there are so few emails to contend with. all the writing cogs in my brain are so well-oiled. today i will tidy up my house and take a shower and i will eat one, maybe two oranges, and tomorrow after work i will return to writing my silly little stories and i'm very happy about it. they have been waiting so patiently for me

i'm sure it isn't actually a good thing in terms of like, achieving my long-term goals that just like the last time i was at uni, i'm in the position of reacting to a looming deadline by going "wow, time to be so inspired to write fic" but if i am being perfectly honest, it is a great feeling. i missed this. i'm going to have to keep doing degrees for the rest of my life just so that i have things to procrastinate on and the adrenaline rush of realising i need to learn way too much way too fast afterwards

no you're not allowed dessert until you finish your dinner, and in this specific situation "dinner" is "your health sciences homework" and "dessert" is "trying to turn all of the chemistry that you don't know enough of yet into tortured metaphors about aspects of ruben's life"

so i was considering the [gestures at unstable sense of self] and googling for how to figure all that out and, as is so common, endless suggestions of journalling

and i was like. god. everyone always says that but i don't even really know what it means in this context. nobody is saying what i should journal about for this. i mean of course i did journalling in therapy, but that's just about, yknow, memories or feelings or what i did with my day or my values or goals or social interactions or things that make me feel good or bad or my positive and negative life experiences and my relationships. nothing to do with who i am

and then i was like.

ah

survived my first day of new job! i'd been at my previous one almost three years and oof i'd forgotten how much it takes out of you when you can't just do everything in your sleep, plus the pharmacy is being slow to refill my ritalin so i had to really wrestle the adhd, but it didn't kill me and that's what counts

"yeah def just give me like 30 mins to shower and eat and emerge from the unspeakable void"

actually i need to draw a silly little guy with silly little arms regularly. for my mental health

my last full week at this job! wooo!

i've been thinking how it's going to be a good time to change things up - like, getting out of the house more will be really good for me, and i live so close to the new office and can be in as much/as little as i like so it's going to , and i think something i'm absolutely going to prioritise from the start is finding time for writing.

i really wanted to do more fic this year but have been so stressed/uninspired at current job that it's been hard to do that. i hope if i build in the space to do some low-pressure writing from the start - like, the time for it, not a "you have to hit this many words or do this many hours" or "i need to update X times per month". but more like. here's some time to listen to music or take a walk or spend some time by the sea, which are all part of the creative process too, then i'll have more room to write

sage don't destroy your entire apartment trying to fix a laptop hinge challenge: failed