Sweet, but Deadly...

There was pain without hope of healing. There was life that refused to end, long after the body had begged the mind to cease. And absolutely no dreams to come true.

I wish I was one of those people that could afford to rent a cabin in the woods and just create in isolation when the mood hits.

Honestly, I could go insane, form an alternate personality that I'm unaware of that kills my enemies or takes down the government.

It'd be fine. :3

So, I'd had a good couple of days, but now I'm back to feeling god awful (physically and mentally). I don't know if the deep depression is from missing a couple of doses of my antidepressant, but it's back with a vengence. And I honestly didn't miss THAT many doses, so.... I also missed two days of work this week already just because I felt physically and mentally unable to go. Which is bad because I legitimately think I've missed a day every week since mid January. :/

I feel like I've hit another brick wall in my life after it took me a decade to get out of the last and I don't know what to do about it. I've been trying like hell to find a new job, but the job market is just awful.....and I'm tired. I don't know what the problem is. I'm smart and VERY good worker who gives her all in everything she does. So why can I only find physically taxing low paying jobs. And that's to say nothing of my physical health that's steadily getting worse and worse. And though I'm not going to do anything because I'm not going to force my parents to bury another child, I am just TIRED.

I am tired of getting nowhere and just feeling SO god awful ALL the time.

I'm not built for this world. Call it "weak", a "skill issue", whatever. I don't care. It's just the truth. I've had to be strong my whole life. I'm tired.

I feel like crap and like I wanna "unalive" myself.

So this is what?

The 6th close family death in 5 years? The third in January in as many years?

I don't even think my brain processes who died anymore. Just that someone else I loved in gone forever.

And I'm wondering just how terrible a person that makes me. I always feel like a fraud at funerals because I can't even glean my own feelings.

I don't process the deaths; just feel the loss...

There's nothing of me left.

I'm not hollow.

Just filled with rot...

So, currently trying (and failing) to talk myself out of calling out from work. I'm no sicker than I normally am....I've just reached that point.

It'sa point I've been at before, so I know how dangerous it is. It's the point where I'm just completely over and done with a job. And things like "You have bills," and "You're an adult and you have to do this" are no longer motivating. My mental is already very close to "completely give up" and I don't give much thought to the consequences of anything, so who cares about this job?

I know this all seems ridiculous and childish, but like I said, I've been in that state before where I'm in a bad depressive state and completely over a job. So, I know I will start just....not going...

Idk.....this job just takes SO much out of me. Like even Kroaker didn't take this much out of me. And I don't know if it's solely the job being a disorganized mess or that I just don't have anything left to give....or both. But it'sjust physically, emotionally, and mentally too much.

Honestly, my mind and body is just telling me to go ahead and go down to part time, even though I likely won't be able to afford it. But if I start calling out too much (even with my FMLA), my entire job is at risk...