constant existencial crisis

i haven't been here in forever. "the guy" is no longer in my life. i no longer live alone but with my parents. i'm finishing a job and don't know if i'll get called in january.

ehh, whatever, i might go into a phd if nothing else comes up

i finished watching the umbrella academy season 3 and i am so confused. i feel stupid AF

and my unpopular opinion is that not even the music selection was as good as the previous seasons.

also, fuck allison. she totally assaulted luther, idgaf about her ptsd.

i think a guy i was in love with (not anymore, but i still have the hots for him) cheated on his gilfriend when he was at a wedding a few weeks ago.

how do i know?

we still talk, we sext rather often, he posted on stories that he was traveling, then his friend (whom i follow too) posted his wedding, and he posted a story on tumblr about meeting and sexing someone while buzzed at a hotel... and i know his gf wasn't there, or there would have been a LOT more stories on ig.

he has a history of cheating... hell, he chated on his gf of 6 years like a million times and once with me (although there was no sex, i remain a virgin because he said i "deserve better").

i just know, my intuition is hardly ever wrong.

i don't know how to feel or how i feel.

i know a lot of people don't believe in astrology, i am very skeptical of it myself, but i cannot deny that i have been feeling aweful since mercury went retrograde.

nothing about electronics malfunctioning, nothing about exes or people from my past returning, just a horrible feeling.

i feel like my depression is flaring up, i feel like i am lost. i have been remembering things that i had forgotten that were traumatic. i have been rethinking a lot of my past that has made me feel bad.

i had weird dreams too. this morning i dreamt that i was at some sort of event where my former boss introduced me to some people, and there was this man... older than me by like 10 years (so he was between 38 and 40), he was good looking, smart, hot even.... i we were at some sort of event and i happened to be seated next to him, and he touched my leg, but i liked it. and then we started dating, and he said that he had intentions of marriage.

on a second dream this afternoon, i dreamt that i was for some reason studying in korea and i met former high school classmates there, but they kind of blew me off... and then i ran into a guy from high school i used to like, he had a girlfriend and he plays tennis, and he started complaining about them being in a bad situation and we both ended up at a restaurant fro valentine's day together, as friends but definitely flirting....

like i said, weird dreams. dreams i normally don't have, i don't even know if i dream.

and today, i have been feeling nostalgic and tired and lethargic, and i don't know.

obviously i don't think anyone will read this, i'm just writing this because i feel like i have to keep a diary of my feelings of some sort these days, i feel that maybe this way i might learn something.

i can't afford therapy, and i am also scared and/or ashamed of asking my parents for help paying for therapy... which is riddiculous specially because my mom is a psychologist herself. but i feel like i will be judged. my dad hates therapists, so that's also a no go. i don't know what to do.

i feel lost. that's what i feel, lost.

i feel like i'm walking in a haze, i feel like i'm about to fall. like i have been carrying a weight so heavy that i can't walk anymore.

it was a beautiful day today, and i didn't even open the blinds. i can't stand being alone anymore.

it's funny because these sounds like the complaints of a teenager, but i am almost 30 and i haven't had a relationship longer than one month in my life, i haven't lost my virginity, i haven't even fully gone independent because my dad pays for my apartment.

i feel like i have wasted my life, and like i am waiting for my life to being at the same time.

is love for me? is it in the cards? am i pretty? or beautiful? does anyone think of me at all? if i died right now, would anyone besides my parents care?

i'm fat. i think of myself as ugly, i'm not a nice person particularly, nor am i kind or helpful. i'm selfish, and jealous, and possesive and envious and materialistic. i posses all the ugly and bad qualities anyone can possess... how can i hope for anything good in my life when i am not anything good at all?

today is the day i will half-ass my work. i don't want to grade papers, so i'll give them the score they got with the presentation alone and that's it.

i hate this job anywyas.

i've been feeling so depressed that i started watching grey's anatomy FROM THE BEGINING for the fifth time.

So, i haven't been on tumblr for the better part of like 6 years

wassup

i agree that we shouldn't force people to get vaccinated, but i also agree that restaurants, movie theaters, traveling, work, etc should demand an official vaccination certificate for people.

you are free to not get the vaccine, but i am free to not serve you in any way if you are not vaccinated

Al Rawabi school for girls broke me, tbh.

and i keep searching up on youtube some video commentary about the series, but it’s aleays by men and urgh, it irritates me.

i’m sorry, but this show is a million times more dark and upsetting when you are a woman, because even thought it is pink and almost all the cast are women, you can see that their actions are framed in the misogynistic world that we live in. And despite them wanting more out of life, despite showing a clear divide in the world view of the young girls vs the older generation, a lot of what they were thought still remains and taints their relationships with each other.

this entire show had me conflicted, i rooted and then booed, or found myself rooting for something that was NOT right. And let’s not even talk about the ending, it was awful and i just wanted to curl in bed after that.

i might re-watch it.

i have no idea why people have rtecently been folliwing this blog, but thank you i guess?

i havent written anything here in forever and a day, i might come back, who knows? maybe then y'all will unfollow

wow, i haven’t logged on tumblr in a while hahaha 

let’s see. 

i have high blood pressure now, i weigh around 102 kg now, i’m still single and living alone, i teach at a university now which makes no sense because i still feel like a high schooler even thought i am 27, so officially old. 

i’ll log in again in six months, i guess. bye 

if i have to hear that “losing weight weight for health reasons” is a myth, i am going to lose my shit.

Hi, i’m back (not that anyone cares) because i got tired of twitter and i need the anonimity to share all my thoughts. 

thank god j balvin came out to help jlo during the halftime show, because that stadium was about to fall asleep 

I have completely MIA from this platform for a while now, but you guys have to understand, my country is going through yet another crisis. 

Colombia is a country where people have been living in the middle of violence for well over 100 years, civilian unrest is a daily thing, and now we are protesting 

and the police are killing us. 

They areally killed a kid that was protesting for education, he wasn’t doing anything wrong, and he got killed with a shot to the back of his head. 

please, please, please, get informed about colombia and spread the word. the world needs to know this.