Mommy, for Mother’s Day I made you something. I have to give you something REAL and it has to LIVE! Get ready. - Greta

We’re stuck in the in between of if, and when, and maybe.

Maybe Baby Henry will come back into care.

If Henry comes back into care, maybe we will be called.

When…if…maybe

I found out today there was a police response last week. Will DCFS remove Henry? Maybe. Probably not. I don’t trust them one iota.

This reunification isn’t about safety. If it was about safety of the child it would never have happened. This reunification is about ownership. The fact that children are the possession of their parents until something egregious happens. And even then.

When that means a child is returned to actual danger, it’s a hard pill to swallow. I’m praying my phone will ring, and praying it won’t. Because by the time they remove again (if…when…maybe) it could well be too late.

Emotional distress? Definitely. Broken bones? Seen it before. S*xual abuse? Familiar. Trauma salad served daily.

I hate the system and yet I desperately want the system to pay attention and protect this baby.

Huh. Just found out that they reopened my home a while ago and never told me. This is totally foster care.

“Mommy? Are we getting a new baby for my birthday?” - Greta

Felix’s psychiatrist referred to things as “stably unstable” and that seems about right.

Does anyone watch SVU?

[spoilers below]

The whole Noah storyline in this season makes me frustrated. Mariska Hargitay is an adoptive parent. She’s adopted twice.

And yet, she didn’t push back against the idea that her character would have raised Noah until he was 12 or 13 years old and not ever given him age appropriate information about his birth father?

And then when he finally approaches her about it she handles it so incredibly poorly. Gets frustrated that he’s snooped (how shocking that a preteen used Google!), makes him think his story is “scary”. Just. Ugh.

People really still lie to adoptive kids and it’s so gross. They should always know their story in a safe, age appropriate way. Period. The fact that SVU is seemingly supporting the idea that information should be kept from kids is gross.

We all miss Henry so much.

I’d feel more peace if I knew he was safe. When he was in foster care with his relative we missed him, but it wasn’t this constant dread in the pit of my stomach. Now I find it hard to sleep at night. I’ve never felt this way when another foster child reunified. I think it’s because I can see his present and future. His siblings lived it. The abuse, the neglect, the violence. The endless impact of early childhood trauma. And nothing has changed so he is living in that hell now. The system has failed him. And I am powerless.

I’m trying to reopen my home to do emergency care and my god, you’d think there wasn’t a huge foster parent shortage. I actually know who to reach out to and I still can’t get anyone to email or call me back! And they wonder why they have recruitment and retention issues…

Baby Henry’s mom got back together with dad the moment he got out of prison, which was shortly after he reunified. This was the relationship she swore up and down was done. This was the relationship that was instrumental in his original removal.

And I just found out they broke up again. Their last break up was very bad. Without going into details, think of as bad as possible for all parties and that’s how bad it was.

If DCFS had a lick of sense they would have waited to reunify until at least a month after dad got out of prison. Because it’s very easy to say you’re done with a relationship when you cannot physically see the other person.

It’s like the social workers don’t understand domestic violence at all.

No one in my office is masking anymore, except for me.

Last week a colleague came in, and the next day he tested positive for COVID. We had all been in a meeting together the day before. I’ll give you one guess as to who did not catch COVID…

And this is why I still mask. Single moms don’t have time to be sick.

Felix has the dreaded assignment that requires a baby photo, and of course I do not have one.

I actually requested the hospital newborn photos a couple of months ago from the vendor — they have a process for adoptive parents to make the request. Still waiting to hear if they have them. (Have any of you done this successfully??)

Anyway, I dug a bit on social media to try to find baby photos and I wasn’t successful but I found a video of Felix when he was three months old. It’s just him lying there snuffling and then crying. It’s painful because there is no attempt to comfort him. But it is also beautiful because I’ve never seen him that young and he is unmistakably my Felix. Even at three months old old.

And then I saw a new photo of Baby Henry. The first one I’ve seen since he reunified. He looks okay, which is a relief, though I know a single photo can’t promise anything. He’s wearing a shirt I bought for him, which is somehow heart wrenching. He’s been gone for over a month but he still fits into clothes I bought him. There’s that little piece of me with him. We all miss him and we hope he’s safe.

This month I have been told by 3 separate people at DCFS that my home is:

1) on hold

2) definitely closed

3) definitely open

They are ALL looking at the same database. And this sums up foster care.

Greta: I had to lie down in library today because I was so tired.

Me: Oh no. Probably from being up in the middle of the night.

Greta: No.

Me: Remember how you got up at 2am?

Greta: Yes, but that’s not it.

Me: What do you think made you tired?

Greta: Work.

Me: ….what kind of work?

Greta: Learning work. It’s exhausting.

Henry is reunifying this week.

It won’t go well.

I wish DCFS would prioritize children.

Felix has only gained 5 lbs since 2021. He hasn’t gained any weight in a year. He continues to grow taller. His pediatrician doesn’t seem that concerned? His psychiatrist is more concerned. We got an endocrinologist appointment but it’s not until April. He doesn’t think it’s soon enough. I’m not sure what to do when there are waitlists everywhere? Felix eats well (we figured out how to balance meds and meals), no stomach issues, it doesn’t make a lot of sense that he’s not gaining weight. I mean, he moves all the time, but still. He’s sick constantly with every virus that comes along, so maybe his immune system is shot. Any ideas?

There was the potential (again) that Henry would be placed with us. His current placement is done for very valid reasons. DCFS just does not communicate. So I’ve been wondering for the past 3 days if he was maybe going to show up. Finally got a message that they are “not inclined” to place with me and are working to persuade current foster family to keep him until reunification, so he doesn’t end up somewhere random. But he wouldn’t end up somewhere rabdom! He’d be here, which is exactly what the current placement requested alongside me…

The manipulation of those who are in system is appalling. Some day I will write a tell all book and name names. Because it’s specific individuals who are doing this out of spite, hiding behind the system. I am so mad.

There was just another child death reported because of their ineptitude, but they do nothing to change. DCFS was supposed to put a safe reunification system into place in 2019. Never happened. Now they plan to reunify Henry in a couple weeks, even though there have been recent police responses for the very reason he was removed. There is no system of protection for these kids. No way for foster parents to go higher-up and actually be heard. Everything is managed by DCFS, and they close ranks.