cats would be so fucking upset if they understood they were missing out on the ability to lie verbally

my god you're fucked: the lady at the help desk just went to ask someone else for help with your issue and everyone's got a confused look on

wish i could go missing for a little bit and no one would freak out and then i could come back and they'd be like "did you have fun going missing" and i'd be like "yeah, thanks" and then i could do that every couple of months or so and it wouldn't be a big deal

it's such a bummer that losing control of your emotions only makes the entire situation worse in really embarrassing personal ways. losing control of my emotions should give me pyrokinesis.

it rules to be a transgender writer because writing trans themes is easy as fuck. it's easy as fuck dude. trans themes basically write themselves. change is the fundamental motor of storytelling. guess what else is all about change bitch

need to stop adding “on account of my nature” at the end of everything i say. but i can’t. On account of my nature

google how to ask a good friend to hang out without embarrassment. google how to send text to friend without sounding like an insane weirdo whos never talked to another human being before. google how to text like a normal person. wikihow to talk to anyone

unfortunately i do think it kind of enjoy it when someone is so focused on not being a bad person in a very specific way that they forget to actually be any better than the kind of person they're trying not to be. yeah it turns out suffering doesn't make you a saint. fucked up i know.

why is trying to make a new friend so embarrassing. hi. me again. asking for your attention once more even though i am literally just some random person to you. it's because i want to be not just a random person to you. please understand

fuck my gay wizard life i’m so used to talking out my ass like a nobleman that at the doctors today i said “is it within your power to prescribe me something like that?” and she LAUGHED AT ME “i like the way you phrased that, yes it’s within my power”

Woman: My boyfriend is such a golden retriever

Me (trying to be open minded but clearly disgusted): Oh cool. I didn't know certain laws had changed

GOOD NEWS FOR CRAB FANS EVERYWHERE

Please click through and read the article. It just keeps getting better and better.

"Can you describe your prior work experience?"

"I'm a professional crab botherer."

still feel like this should be "a navy of crabs"

Oh no, oh no, he is seducing me with his deep passion for his field of study and his genuine joy at teaching people about it

everything should cost one dollar, ten dollars, or one hundred dollars. a drinky drink is one dollar. a t shirt is ten dollars. rent is one hundred. i might be convinced to allow one thousand dollars for some very big purchases like a house. i get it, you're running a business. i'm not unreasonable.

"omg you'll post 'i need him' on the most average men" "she's mid" most of us are average and it's good that we can find beauty and desire in average people

In the club saying shit like "frankly" and "in all honesty"

The older you get the more you will realize that your friends are people who have made mistakes and bad decisions and even just fucked up and hurt people.

And obviously your boundaries with your friends are completely up to you but you do need to recognize that if you cut off everyone who has done something wrong, you’re going to end up with no friends (and you yourself will have also fucked up in your life, and not lived up to those impossible standards either).

I’ve found it’s much more constructive to learn how to say “hey dude, that was massively fucked up of you,” because most people are really willing to say “yeah, it was, I need to work on it/not do it again/apologize and make things right” ESPECIALLY if they are hearing it from you as their friend.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for another person is to tell them that they’ve done something wrong, help them fix it, and stay their friend because it’s what we would want from them if we did something wrong.