LEE SEO-YOUNG: Coming Out & Breaking Borders Elle Magazine, October 2030

seoyoung does make a good point. group activities can be a lot already, and really, luna is lucky to have debuted at all. there’s something greedy in wanting more than that when she spent so many years truly unemployed, hidden away from the world entirely. being in luxe is a privilege, and she should remind herself of it more often. she’s grateful every day, but after spending as much time in the group as she has, sometimes she forgets where she came from, and how much she suffered to get here. sometimes she forgets how much a luna of the past would’ve given to be where she is right now alone.

“i think it would be fun to be busier,” she begins. “i always feel kind of sad when group activities are over, and eager to be working, but i think i would get burnt out eventually, and just want to be able to sleep.” sometimes she surprises herself with how much she’s apparently overcome her lazy streak. well. not really, because she’s not doing much outside of their mandatory group activities, is she? maybe she should find more projects to put her time into.

seoyoung’s words sound sad, but when luna looks over at her, she doesn’t look particularly torn up about it. “i’m kind of like that too,” she says. she has minimal acting and modeling experience. she’s only an average dancer. she’s funny, though. surely she would kill it on variety, right? right? she hasn’t had too much of an opportunity to prove it outside of their group shows. she frowns a little to herself, but she smiles softly afterwards. “i just have my songs.” she raises her notebook for emphasis, and luna is thankful for that much too. songwriting is her niche and her place in luxe. who knows where she would be without it.

“they haven’t invited me! can you believe that?” she says, mock outraged, as if she’s sharing some unbelievable, shocking rumor. maybe it is a little bit of a shock. “i’d love to go whenever they’ll have me. i’d like to keep up my trend of fighting men in all of my activities.” it’s a reference to practically her entire history as a luxe member– more than that, as a human being. it’s funny that it’s carried over so much into her career without royal even knowing– almost a little eerie, really. from chasing a man with a whip in like a cat, to literally stepping on one in the end of the year music shows, to whatever they did in up&down, now to ah yeah, where she got to essentially yell at one while rapping in their music video. she loves it.

dance was an immaculate mix of athletism and arts. people who appreciate it called it a profession, but it’s still largely looked upon as a hobby, something easy, not an expertise by the unknowing public. when it came to musicals and dancing in a large group, a certain level of discipline was required.

“instead of memorizing my lines, my body’s remembering the steps for me,” nayoung chuckled, patting her thighs for emphasis. “it’s stressful in a way because we have to learn to move on the same breathe, especially for the jumps. my biggest fear is always missing it and then landing on a bad timing compared to the others,” she added, humming. lips tugged into a wider grin, she nodded, “maybe! i’d like to think there’s going to be a theatre that focus a lot more on dancing. it would be fun, don’t you think? oh, like sachoom!” the trainee dried the ends of her hair, loosening up the ponytail she’s had.

“but of course, luxe would always come first. i can’t be away from you guys for long, it’s lonely,” she admitted. there’s no denying that when she first joined, sheviewed the team as a responsibility more than a family. but with passing days, each of them working their hardest to bring the group to new heights while balancing their personal lives and goals, they’ve become an integral part of her life.

she will never be able to choose between private life and her group, at least, not for this duration of 7 years.

“the other day, olympias packed a nutrition seafood lunchbox…and it has lobster rolls! i was so surprised, and it’s really good! besides the occasional food support, the buffet’s actually quite nice. on very good days, we have beef slices as well as pasta and rice rolls.” reaching over as she offered to help dry seoyoung’s hair, nayoung added, “i hope they do! i’ve been bribing the team with our signed albums so, that might help, right?”

i hope it was worth it. those words stick with her, because she’s thought the same many times. she thought those words over and over during her time at sphere. it was worth it to fine sunmi, but she could’ve done that with only three years in korea, then reunited with her family, traveling around the world some more. on the other hand, she wouldn’t have built the family she did here in that time: sunmi’s family, now hers by extension. she also came to terms with the fact that she couldn’t live that life forever. eventually, she would need to start her own, and stop freeloading off of her parents, and she had no secondary education and no dream job other than performing.

she stuck it out, and here she is, luxe’s ashe. when she stood on her debut stage, it felt like everything was worth it. she never takes it for granted for a day. can she say it with her whole heart? there’s the smallest doubt, but still, she says, “it was,” with a smile. “worth it to find sunmi and luxe.” maybe with only one it wouldn’t have been. she will always have to come to terms with the fact that she has been gone for half the lives of some of her siblings, that her youngest brother may not even remember her, that she will not be able to celebrate the twins’ graduation or watch them grow up and live their own lives.

it makes her chest feel tight again. most of the time, she doesn’t regret the choice she made anymore, but it is such a sacrifice to make.

she hears the strain in seoyoung’s voice, and looks over to her, listening, a little glad for the distraction from her own thoughts even if it’s at the cost of some of seoyoung’s peace of mind. her words are saddening, and luna frowns. she can’t imagine being estranged from her family, even with the physical distance between them. they are her heart; both of her families are. “well, they’re missing out,” luna decides, and she slings her arm around seoyoung in a half hug, rubbing her arm quickly before letting go.

she grins and nods. she does consider herself lucky, even if the rest of seoyoung’s statement is a bittersweet one, smile growing more nostalgic, eyes a little more distant. “i miss them.” she focuses again, smile widening. “but they’re happy for me, and proud of me. kpop is really big in the states now. apparently they brag about me being their sister all the time.”

tw: alcohol

“I think that would be a cute thing to do, make these alcoholic gelatin into different shapes. I think there just needs to be a good way to get them out…” From her experience, she already knew that jello didn’t always come out in one piece, and that kind of depended on how bouncy it was. Seolhyun had watched so many videos on how to make gelatin with varying suggestions and numbers. The comments gave her more of an idea of how it would turn out if she followed these instructions, so she ultimately ended up with one she thought was easy to follow and not that complicated. While the water was boiling, she measured out how much agar needed to be used, and then poured some of her juice of choice in it to get it to… as the instructions said, “bloom.”

Then Seoyoung mentions her other idea about popping boba and looked at the other like she was a genius. “Oh! Maybe on another day we can figure out how to make it. The jello shots might be enough science to work with for tonight,” she laughed. Wouldn’t want to do anything too complicated while they were going to have alcohol in their system. Who knows if it could get disastrous? “I used to be a better drinker, but I don’t go out as often as I used to. I’ve forgotten how many drinks it’d take me to reach that point… “ With her hand up to make another point, she smiled. “What I do know though, is that no matter how much I have in my system, put on some music, and this whole room becomes a noraebang. Hope the others would be okay with it.”

﹡     ━━     finally she had time to catch up on her shows. on a casual night at home, she was happy to be watching some shows on late-night television with seoyoung. it had been months since they have properly seen each other in the dorm. it’s been a time naeun had missed. thankful for the time, she enjoys the quiet between them ; eyes trained on the show they were currently watching.

she hums at attention when she hears seoyoung’s voice over the comedic relief of the variety show they were watching; turning her full attention to seoyoung rather than watching the other carefully from the corner of her eye ( like she had been doing since seoyoung had joined her on the couch ). “oh?” her hand that had been nonchalantly holding the remote moves to lower the volume so she can hear seoyoung better. her words confuse naeun but rather than suddenly question it – naeun nods her head, allowing the other to continue. “did something happen for you to want to change it?” she asks at first, a tentative hand reaches out to carefully pat the other’s ; assuring her of her presence. 

it’s been a crazy few months – and naeun suddenly feels her own absence in the dorm. since she had been so busy filming her drama, she had lost sight of her other duties in her group. she wasn’t just a vocalist in luxe but also their leader – and for the most part, for naeun, that meant being the pillar they could lean on if they ever had anything that troubled them. 

“are you okay?”

juyeon felt so unbelievably overwhelmed by seoyoung’s presence. it felt so strange having spent their past year of their relationship talking through the phone and texting when they could, only to have seoyoung here, right in front of her. their meetings weren’t often enough. juyeon went too long without kissing her. but that was what they signed up for, the price they paid. but a year was enough for juyeon to work out that they could do this. a lot of it was tough, tiresome; but loving seoyoung was easy. juyeon hums, her cheeks warm from blushing. what am i doing? she thinks to herself, shaking her head internally. she watches seoyoung carefully, curiously.

“i’m bold, huh?” juyeon asks with a raised brow, her fingers now entwined with seoyoung’s. but seoyoung is right, if they’re going to achieve one thing tonight … it’s definitely making out. she is surprised by yet another kiss, something juyeon needs to start getting use to. juyeon wonders if seoyoung can hear juyeon’s heart racing inside her chest? she hums, nodding her head at seoyoung’s suggestion. juyeon didn’t really feel like getting her chef hat out tonight, although she did want to try and cook for seoyoung at some point. besides, take out was probably their best bet at eating, even though juyeon would be fine with selecting some ramyeon from her extensive ramyeon collection ( it was a trainee’s best friend ). 

juyeon pouts. “you’ve already treated me enough by being here tonight, though~” she chimes, her voice playful. but juyeon wasn’t going to deny her offer though, that would be rude. “i think … i’ve got some delivery menus lying around somewhere. i’ll get ‘em out, okay?” juyeon says with a smile. seoyoung departs for the sofa while juyeon approaches the kitchen, trying desperately to remember where she actually keeps her takeout menus. she starts to rifle through her rather empty cupboards, cheering triumphantly when she finds a whole stack. she shuffles back over to seoyoung victoriously, plopping down beside her.

“my training?” juyeon repeats with a smile. she shrugs. juyeon hadn’t told anyone about the fact that she was apart of a debut project. not even her parents knew. it was her thing. a part of her was scared of announcing it, only for it to not go the way she intended. juyeon didn’t want to be seen as a failure. not in the eyes of her parents and especially not in the eyes of her girlfriend. juyeon hums. “it’s … going well, i think.” she says confidently with a nod. “i mean, i’m working hard on my dancing and rapping still, of course. sphere has me singing too now.” she adds.

juyeon pauses, slumping back against the sofa. she looks across to seoyoung. she feels bad, lying to seoyoung. “and i’m uh … working hard towards something else too.” juyeon says quietly. was that enough of a hint for seoyoung to catch onto? 

luna never turns down hugs, naturally affectionate, and she doesn’t feel silly in her crying. she squeezes seoyoung back, and even if there’s something inherently embarrassing about crying in front of other people, surely this will only bring them closer. that’s something she would never turn down either, even if it meant sacrificing some of her pride.

she raises an eyebrow at seoyoung, then further dabs at her eyes, tears finally drying. she makes a mental note to hydrate extra for the day to make up for all of the lost water from crying. maybe seoyoung has a point, though. aside from the small physical resemblance she and sunmi share, they do seem to have a certain likeness in spirit. “maybe she knew even before we did,” luna laughs. that’s highly unlikely, but she likes to think sphere’s ceo was happy to unite them. baek jiyoung was a kind woman for as long as luna knew her. thinking of her still makes her heart hurt a little. baek jiyoung lost both of them, too. she wonders if she’s still happy for them now, having debuted outside of her hands.

she laughs again, nodding in agreement, because she and sunmi’s story is an unlikely one, and a little hard to believe. maybe it’s believable because it’s so contrived. surely it has been done before so many times that drama writers could find a more dramatic way to reveal sibling relationships? “i actually came to korea to try to find my birth family. sphere was kind of just…a detour, but i ended up finding my family without even really trying.” she shakes her head, still in a little disbelief herself.

she still hasn’t met her dad. it’s a topic she’s afraid to broach, though she’s sure her mother’s husband would understand, angel of a man that he is. in the meantime, she’ll keep putting it off. she’s plenty busy with her career now. she doesn’t feel the desperation to know like she once did. maybe it’s thanks to the new family she gained after all.

“are you an only child?” she asks seoyoung, because she doesn’t remember, though she’s sure they talked about it before. “i don’t remember,” she admits with another smile. god, her skin is going to be terrible from all the crying, she realizes, but that’s a problem for a euijin of a later time. “sunmi is my only blood sister– that i know of –but i have five adopted siblings. i’m the oldest. i don’t think i’d know who i would be if i wasn’t a sister.” seoyoung’s words make luna grin, though. “and now i have four more sisters!”

luna scowls at the pat on her head, then laughs again, eyes still watery. despite her tougher image, luna does cry freely; she just isn’t used to needing much comfort, and it’s even more unfamiliar from seoyoung. it’s not unwelcome, though, and maybe it’s a good thing she rely on her in a moment like this. they aren’t as close as luna would like to be, and don’t tears bring people together? well, it depends, but these tears should. she hopes so, anyway.

when her phone buzzes with a notification, she checks it to make sure the file arrived safely, and sure enough, it did. she’ll watch it later, when she’s ready to feel humiliated and potentially cry again watching it through. luna laughs again at seoyoung’s comment. “baek jiyoung is a bloodhoud,” she replies with a nod, still sniffling as her tears dry. she should probably find some tissues, but she doesn’t feel like moving yet, an already lazy girl a little less willing to move thanks to emotional exhaustion. as for how it felt finding out sunmi was her sister? well isn’t that a story.

“i don’t know where you want me to start,” she laughs. there’s so much context that only naeun knows. she doesn’t mind sharing as many details as seoyoung would like. she sees the luxe girls as new sisters of a sort anyway. “i found out we were sisters because of our mother’s diary. sunmi was reading it one day, and i happened to catch her crying over it. i didn’t know it at the time, but she had dropped it, and i picked it up to give it back to her and saw my name. we put everything together after that. kind of a bizarre experience.” she tilts her head to the side, recalling it, but then smiles a little wistfully. “it was emotional, but amazing, really. you know, i was adopted, so– a big part of the reason i came back to korea in the first place was to see if i could find my biological family. turns out i didn’t have to even work that hard. god just did his thing.”