AkGHAsshhii!!!

Happy Halloween!! Eat lots of candy and stuff!!!

I see this one like every year and I still dont know the characters involved but I love it, it’s not Halloween without the pumpkin dragons

I made them!! @pocketss

:O

do u ever think about how much you’ve changed in the past 2 years and ur just like, thank god.

shoutout to the Twink at the front desk of the natural history museum who let me go into their Yellowstone exhibit for free. also shoutout to my laptop for auto-capitalizing Twink. always nice to see respect for our troops 

ANY SHRIMPS DO YOU HAVE TO EAT

BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR SKIN TURN PINK

EAT TO MUCH AND YOU’LL GET SICK

SHRIMPS ARE PRETTY RICH

so i knew absolutely nothing about this song until just now

boss asked me if i knew what a brony was today but he pronounced it like “brownie” then started explaining, but somehow I’M THE WEIRD ONE FOR INTERRUPTING WITH “Oh, you mean BRONYS, yeah, they do want to fuck horses!”

boss today asked me if I knew what a bear was and it took the incredible effort of forcing every bone in my body to solidify into one giant Super Bone and in the process fusing my jaw shut for me to stop myself from saying “uh, yeah dude, you but gay.”

boss texted me today about all the business we’ve been getting and i texted back “haha yup our dance card is getting pretty full!” followed immediately by two minutes of debilitating panic about whether that was an actual saying or just some nonsense I’d made up.

boss came to my office today strictly to tell me he got hamilton tickets and had the nerve to be insulted when i referred to him as “the biggest copycat there ever was.”

boss today texted me the most unorthodox elipsis i’ve ever seen

my boss’s parents and my parents each have vacation homes in the same retirement community, which is widely rumored to be a hotbed of sexual depravity, so sometimes i deliberately antagonize him by implying - very innocently and with plausible deniability - that our parents swing with each other

boss just came into my office to ask me a question, paused and said “what the FUCK are you listening to?” and when i sheepishly admitted it was a remix of the wii shop channel music, he just left.

op what is your occupation

Rascal. 

im surprised no one has ever punched me in the face

first date with me is watching shrek and then i fight you during the credits

oh you like history? name everything that ever happened

Animal snaps

people w words like cool friendly nice friend buddy guy etc in their URL I automatically trust u

whats your credit card number

Hulk + normal flesh tone Avengers: Endgame (2019)

Shrek 2 (2004)

Turn him back to green please? Thank you

Dog snaps

I FORGOT BRITISH PPL CALL GIRLS BIRDS AND I WAS SUPREMELY DISTURBED