Christian G. TInsley (via wordsnquotes) @heavnofhell

Thrice Fallen

Sam knew he would never again deny any of his feelings towards Lucifer - just the simple act of their fingers being entwined like this made his heart race. When his Other Half pulled his hand up Sam could only hold his breath at what he did next. The touch that followed was so soft that Sam wouldn’t believe what he felt was real if it wasn’t for him seeing it with his own eyes. This kiss, as meaningful as it was tender, made his heart flutter and his lips curl into a warm smile. He couldn’t escape Lucifer’s mesmerizing eyes when his angel looked back at him, speaking words Sam didn’t think he needed to hear so badly from him.

“And I belong by yours,” Sam said and brought his free hand up, gently cupping Lucifer’s face with it and tenderly brushing his thumb over the cool skin. “I should have accepted this so long ago already, Lucifer. You are free now, truly free, and I can’t tell you how much I am sorry for not coming to you sooner. I’ll never deny my feelings again, not towards you or myself or anyone else. I’m with you now, and I’ll stay.”

Accepting the truth meant accepting it as a whole and Sam was glad that he finally did that. Seeing Lucifer’s eyes like this - shining and filled with so much affection - was something he never dared to wish for. It was impossible to take back what happened and to right his mistakes, but they were both still here - alive and together. Nothing else mattered. They had time now, time to make up for the years they had lost already; and even if this feeling of nearly exploding because it was all so intense would never go away - Sam would still embrace it. If anything was worth the hell they had to go through, it was this. Them, together and not ripped apart once again.

With a slightly brighter smile Sam let his hand fall down and grabbed Lucifer’s hand a little tighter with his other. “Let’s see if we can find something to eat, okay? I don’t think I ate much since you were gone, I just couldn’t bother with that.” It was hard forcing his body to move and not being this close to his Other Half anymore, but Lucifer was right, he had to eat, otherwise he would just collapse again and that was the last thing he wanted to happen. So, still keeping his angel’s hand in his own, Sam tried to keep his steps steady as he walked out of his room in search for something to fuel his body.

Thrice Fallen

Hearing Lucifer say these words, that he owed everything to Sam, made him feel almost sad. He shouldn’t think like that, because there was nothing Sam would do more willingly than whatever was in his power to save his Other Half and yet, he understood the sentiment. Hadn’t he felt the same, and still did, that he owed his very existence to Lucifer and no one else? Sam couldn’t argue about something that they both felt, not when all he wanted was to accept what they had and cherish it. They shouldn’t need to feel like this, but they did. And maybe that was part of it too.

Sam immediately leaned into the cool touch on his cheek, smiling at the words that followed. Lucifer was still wary and Sam fully understood why - after preventing both of their deaths so shortly after and still weakened it would have been dumb not to be. But no matter who would dare to cause trouble, Rowena, Castiel or even Dean; Sam would not let any of them do his angel any harm.

“If you want to,” he eventually said, resting his own hand over the angel’s on his face. “I’d feel much better with you by my side. I don’t think anything will happen, it’s just...” Sam shrugged, giving Lucifer an apologetic smirk. He couldn’t really say what it was. Sadness of not being close to his Other Half? The fear of going mad without him? Or just the horrible thoughts that would surely come back if they were separated? Maybe it was just everything.

“It sounds selfish, but I don’t want to be separated from you.” Sam sighed and lowered his gaze slightly. They had been apart for such a long time, for too many years for Sam and eons for Lucifer. He knew it wouldn’t last for all eternity, so the wish to be near his Other Half shouldn’t make him feel guilty and selfish, but it was hard to overcome. “I miss you even now, Lucifer... I don’t even know why or how. But it’s strong and I can’t leave without you.”

Maybe it was the fact that part of his soul was in Lucifer now, though he didn’t think that even came close to the truth. This was just all so real, so intense, he was still processing everything. But he knew one thing for sure: that he needed and wanted Lucifer and that he wouldn’t allow anyone to come between them.

jiteshkhanna (via wordsnquotes)

Falling Away From Me | Closed

Sam didn’t look at Lucifer when he sat down next to him, too ashamed and embarrassed to meet his eyes. Instead his hands grabbed for the bottle on the nightstand and without a word he took a huge gulp from the Whiskey inside. His eyes burned when he put the lid back on, but the burn in his throat helped to distract him from the ache in his chest at least.

“Dean cares, yeah. But he acts like I’m a baby and I hate it.” He shook his head slowly, knowing he would have to reveal what happened now and it made him feel nauseous. “Those hallucinations... they were torture. I thought you came back at first and I was so happy and then... then...”

With all of his remaining strength Sam tried to force the tears back to not cry and sob like a child again - not now. He was weak enough already and he didn’t need another reminder for that.

“He... he said horrible things. I knew you’d never say them but after a while... I started to believe them...” Sam looked up at the angel with grief in his eyes. “I believed that you hated me and left because I’m just another stupid hairless ape and you never loved me... I wanted to do what he said and just end it, but Dean stopped me every time...”

Falling Away From Me | Closed

Sam was relieved by Lucifer’s interest in Dean, even though his brother was the last thing on his own mind right now. So was the very reason he had come here to this shabby motel in the first place. He slowly shook his head and guided Lucifer over to the bed so he could sit, before looking for something to attend his wounds.

“I’m alone here.” He finally admitted and returned with a wet cloth and some towels - there wasn’t anything more suitable sadly. “Dean is... at home. I needed some time for myself.”

Silently Sam began wiping the blood of the angel’s face and hands, careful not to hurt the already wounded one even further. He had fought heavily it seemed, there was a lot of damage done to his vessel.

“Things... changed, Lucifer.” Sam eventually sighed and sat back on his feet next to the bed, dropping the now bloody cloth to the floor. “Dean tried so hard to get me back on track, I’m just so tired of it sometimes... when the hallucinations started he... he freaked out completely. Said that’s what I get for crying over the devil and such things.”

He wiped his eyes, angry that new tears built up in them at the thought of what happened. It wasn’t Lucifer’s fault that he had seen him like this, but it still hurt to think about it - especially with how his brother had reacted.

“I didn’t really plan to go back home this time... or anywhere...”

Falling Away From Me | Closed

Lucifer’s words did mean a lot to him, even if he couldn’t accept it right now. He had promised not to hurt him and Sam knew his intentions were never like this at all, despite it happening anyways. He could feel the fight in the angel too - the grief about what happened, the sadness filling his grace with fire.

When he pulled his hand back, Sam caught the surprised look on Lucifer’s face as a single tear rolled down his cheek - soon followed by more of them. Never before had he seen the angel cry, never before had he seen such a human reaction from him.

Slowly Sam mimicked Lucifer’s previous actions and cupped his cheek, gentle fingers wiping the stray tears away from his skin. His lips jerked slightly, not into a full smile, but the shadow of one ghosted over his lips.

“I’m so sorry for all of this, Lucifer.” He mumbled, locking eyes with those wet glacier blue ones in front of him. “I had so many horrible thoughts and it broke my heart when you wouldn’t answer my prayers at all...”

Swallowing down his anger and sadness, Sam leaned forward and brought their foreheads together. “We need time, that’s all... time to find what we lost. And... time to trust each other again.”

He hated to say that his trust in Lucifer had been shattered, but he couldn’t hide it from him. They might never get back to what they had, might never be able to leave these times apart behind. But Sam was willing to try at least, even if it was a useless quest.

Falling Away From Me | Closed

This time Sam allowed the touch, even though his whole body was shaking under it. The rational part of his mind - as little as it might be now - knew that Lucifer had been scared too and only left to protect him. The emotional, but stronger, part though, was burning with betrayal and anger.

“It’s not what I want, Lucifer. I don’t want anything anymore...” he finally said, looking at the angel in front of him - those blue eyes as sad as he had never seen them before. “When you left... something inside me died. There is so little left, I can’t even laugh anymore. I just want to end all of this.”

Deep down he knew the love he had felt before was still there - locked away in his heart so it wouldn’t hurt him even more. He still loved his angel, he always would, but now all of it was overshadowed with the feeling of complete self disgust and remorse.

“I will not send you away.” Sam sighed and slowly shook his head. He knew he had to stop these horrible thoughts in his head, there was too much anger and he would make things even worse if he gave into them. “You need help now... you’re hurt.”

With a bitter taste in his mouth Sam laid a hand on Lucifer’s arm - even this small touch making his very soul scream in agony. “I don’t hate you either, Lucifer. But what happened... it was too much for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget it. Even looking at you hurts so much, but I will never hate you.”

Falling Away From Me | Closed

Lucifer's Grace being pulled from him felt like losing him all over again and at the words that followed Sam simply pressed his eyes shut and tried not to break down right there and then.

He had hoped for a reason - Abaddon was as good and bad as any other - but reason or not he couldn't hold back the pain that felt like it was eating him alive. His instincts told him to wrap his arm around Lucifer and just comfort him, but the thought alone broke his heart even more.

"I thought you hated me..." Sam looked up at the angel with teary wet eyes. "I thought you left me because I wasn't enough for you."

Sam could pretend all he wanted - he wasn't as strong on the inside at all. He was broken, twisted and completely destroyed in places and ever since Lucifer left he was just numb to everything but pain.

"You were gone without a word, Lucifer. Not even 'I have to do something alone', nothing." He let his hands fall down and swallowed down new tears building up. "Was I not even worth a few words? I would've listened..."

Falling Away From Me | Closed

Sam was frozen in place when Lucifer came closer - every nerve in his body was on high alert, ready to fight whatever torture the other had prepared for him. At the cold touch of his hands, trembling and bloody as the rest of him, Sam pressed his eyes close and held his breath.

The pain he expected, however, didn’t come. Instead he heard this long lost voice whisper an apology and Lucifer cupped his face gently - his thumbs ghosting over the hot skin beneath them. Sam couldn’t hold back a shiver when he looked up and met those glacier blue eyes again - eyes he never thought he’d see again - and then immediately escaped the touch by shoving himself to the side and out of his reach. With his hand pressed against his chest he looked at Lucifer - fear and confusion in his eyes.

“Don’t... touch me...” he whispered silently, words he never thought he would direct at the angel in front of him. He swallowed down the huge lump in his throat, fighting hard to prevent more tears from falling. “You... you come here... after months...”

Shaking his head angrily, Sam turned away from Lucifer. This wasn’t right - he could feel that Lucifer was genuinely sorry - but it hurt so much even looking at him right now that the anger took the best of him.

“You left me alone.” He finally pressed out through dry lips, the ache in his chest now so painful that his breath was hitching. “I begged, I cried - I prayed to you... and you left me alone in the dark...”

Falling Away From Me | Closed

Lucifer never wanted to leave Sam , he had tried to prevent it for a long time and had done everything in his power to keep the Winchester save. But Abbadon never let them both live their life.

It broke the archangels heart to leave him , the risk of Sam getting hurt was too much. And after the sadness had buried in his heart and even into his grace he had gotten angry. 

And he had let it all out , the hatred and anger of needing to leave Sam. All because Abbadon thought Lucifer would get back to his original plans if she just tried long enough.

Never had Lucifer been more angry then when he fell into the cage , grace flaring angrily around him.

It had took him months to find her , to kill her. The reason why he had needed to leave Sam vanishing into thin air.

His body was bruised , bloody and the smell of sulfur clinging to him. And if he could pull out his wings they would have been more broken than before.

So Flying was hard for him , and he had used all his power to find Abbadon , never even making an pause. Lucifer still managed to find Sam trough their bond - but something was off.

His hand almost banged against the door , it was hard for him to not fall right onto it and probably knock himself out.

There were doubts lingering in his mind - if Sam even wanted him after all this time , after vanishing into nothing without a trace.

Lucifers strength left him , slumping down against the side of the door and waiting - hoping for the Winchester to open the door.

Just when he heard the voice he had wanted to hear for so long a sad smile curled onto the archangels lips. 

“Sam.”

His voice was a whisper , grace carefully reaching out.

Just then he felt it - how broken Sam was mentally and physically.

This wasn’t real, couldn’t be. Sam backed away even further, his wide eyes staring at what surely had to be a hallucination once again. Lucifer was gone - he left him without so much as a word. He wouldn’t come back like this, expecting Sam to welcome him with open arms. Shaking his head, Sam bumped into the nightstand behind him, causing the bottles and glasses on it to cling.

He considered taking the shotgun and just ending it once and for all for a moment, but it was too close to him and Sam couldn’t move back, couldn’t even move at all anymore now.

“You can’t be here...” he finally mumbled, tears building up in his eyes. He had felt something like a touch - cold and filled with energy - and knew it was nothing a hallucination could ever do. And still, he couldn’t believe it, he just couldn’t. “You can’t be real...”

His chest tightened even more when the first tear rolled down his cheek, the eyes of the other just too real to be made up by his twisted mind. All those months he had wished for nothing more than to see Lucifer again and now that he was there - possibly real and not imagination - his heart broke into a million of pieces and he was unable to keep himself together.

“I can’t do this again, please...” Sam grabbed for the wooden surface behind him and bowed his head, unable to keep looking at the angel he had missed so much. “I can’t, I just can’t... you can’t be him, he’s gone.” Tears fell down onto the floor and Sam’s silent sobbing was the only sound between them.

Marissa Meyer, Winter (via wordsnquotes)

Thrice Fallen

Sam couldn’t suppress a smile at Lucifer’s words. Seeing him like this - hearing this laugh he thought he’d never hear again - it made his own tension ebb away easily. Sam was tired, he could probably sleep for weeks, but right now he didn’t even think about it. What Lucifer said hit something in him, something that made him feel almost melancholic. He was right, Sam didn’t know all these things and at the same time he always knew.

It was impossible to not feel dumb for crying like a baby, even though he knew Lucifer would never judge him for his weak moments. And even now, after suffering from so much torture, the only concern his other half had was Sam. He didn’t know how he deserved to even be here right now.

“The pain is gone," he said silently, the smile still playing over his lips. "I'm fine, I'll just have to sleep a little more the next week." Sam kept studying Lucifer for any signs of damage or pain, but his eyes only showed concern and what he easily identified as protectiveness. "I'm more worried about you, your grace is still healing and you shouldn't put too much on yourself just yet."

Plus, Dean might become a problem. He had tried preventing Sam's plan already, he would probably throw a huge tantrum knowing the devil was staying now. As much as it hurt Sam, his brother would never understand - he simply couldn't see Lucifer the way Sam saw him. Dean only saw what he was taught, but Sam could look past all these lies and see the angel he truly was.

"I need to eat, I think." Sam chuckled after a moment of silence, drawing a slight smile from his other half. "I don't think you want something too? I mean, you don't actually need it after all, but maybe it helps you recover?" Not that Sam minded to stay like this for eternity - so close to his angel and drowning in his overwhelming presence - but his body seemed to have other needs. Still, he'd go nowhere without knowing Lucifer was with him.

Maram Rimawi  (via wordsnquotes)

Phil Wickham (via wnq-music)