Breathe. Brain dump sorry not sorry for my crazy. Paxil was great in the middle. The start sucked. The end even worse. I've gotta make it through getting off it. But I'm on day 3 of a manic episode and I feel like I'm going to explode. I see why people stay on it for years. This is just shitty. And I only took it for not quite 6 months. But damn it worked. The first fucking drug that made my brain be "normal" but I'm so bad at taking meds. I was constantly missing doses even with reminders. It just isn't worth the withdrawal pain every 3 days. I'm a full week off so far. If I'm lucky just one more week of being more crazy than I am. I'm choosing to not believe the internet that it can take up to a year. Because if it does, I'll probably give in and start taking it again. I feel bad for my family having to deal with my current level of crazy. The kids are stuck home with me, at least Matt only has to deal with me after work. Fortunately, I get to work from home. So my crazy can be excised without anyone outside my house having to experience it. Silver lining? Okay back to work. I've got a ton of stuff to do.

Posted on here on accident & deleted it. New fangled tumblr changes. Figured I'd go ahead and say hi. And share since I haven't in a long a$$ time.

I got to go to my parents last month for the first time in 7 years. It was so awesome. Here's me and my mama.

My dad and I snuck off and got donuts. #teamtaurus loves their sweets.

Matt and I are still crazy together.

And our kids are teenagers.

This has been the update. I put the app back on my phone for now. I don't know if it'll stay, but I miss writing. And maybe it'll happen. Fingers crossed. <3 Rose

Is this thing on?

It's been awhile. *waves timidly from the corner *

I keep trying to claw my way out, but the damn black hole keeps pulling me back in. I'm staring to question if my "rock bottom" was really it. I can't seem to get anywhere. I'm stuck. My old coping mechanisms are not working anymore. I'm failing at everything. I just want it to fucking stop so I can live life and be happy. I wish I could block things out. Let them roll. Not feel every devastating occurrence with all my being. I have so many blessings in my life. I want to enjoy them. Savor them. Be emotionally and physically present for them all. Yet I'm stuck. I struggle to get out of bed. I struggle to shower. I struggle to go to work. I struggle to smile and laugh with my husband. I struggle to enjoy my girls. I put on a mask to get through the day and I'm exhausted when I get home. I cry more than I don't. It's not fair to the ones I love but I'm at a loss as to how to help myself. The crazy part is I quit smoking in the midst of all this. How am I still keeping that old habit away? (3 months!) So much depression time has been spent staring at the end of a cigarette. And yet, not this time. I guess that is different. I just, I'm rambling now. I'm going to continue being curled up in a ball under the blanket and keep wishing it to go away. I'm tired.

Proof of life. Merry Christmas Eve tumblr!

Sisters by the lake. Rule of thirds photo prompt by @letstalkphotography

Texture. This was my other contender for the double exposure prompt.

Over the bridge…

After much debate, my contribution to the double exposure prompt from @letstalkphotography.

Sometimes I like to play along too....

This is one of my favorite photos I took during our trip and it happened to be on my phone. Captured as the bullfrog was croaking, I loved being able to see the vibration of the water.

When someone sets fire to a vehicle next door to your work.. This work week sucks and it has nothing to do with the car on fire.

Anxiety is ridiculous. Seriously, I'm driving somewhere I've been a hundred times, the same damn route I always take, and my anxiety is like here, have a fucking anxiety attack. I'm like you are fucking ridiculous. You're fucking fine. Just go the fuck away. I don't fucking need you. Every.damn.time. I drive here. My heart is still racing. Guess I'll go take care of business and continue trying to talk myself out of this stupidity while I drive back to work.

Some days need wine and a bath.

Today is that day. It was rough. I can't go into detail because work related but it has rocked my mental health. It's too close, too soon, and it scares me. I saw the worst in people today. How quickly the vultures circle. How truly evil humans can be, especially in the middle of tragedy. I want to scream but I have to sit and be professional. I can't let the disgust and sadness show. I can't let on I know more and taking all with a grain of salt. I have to hide behind legal jargon. It's not about me, but it affects me more than they realize. I'm too soft. I used to be able to disconnect, I've since lost that capability. This is all wrong. It's not what I want to say but it's what came out. It's ironic to me that my last post was in a similar mental state that I am in right now. Decompression. I'm wound so tight I am afraid I'll break.

Pizza and airport beer because decompression from the last 3 days of whirlwind emotional chaos. I'm going home. I can't wait to go home.

My daughter would like a pen pal.

Anyone with an 8ish year old that would be interested in having an old fashion snail mail pen pal?

This morning Matt got back into bed and held me. I was surrounded by feelings of safety, security, happiness and love. I am grateful.

While I wait...

ADD diagnosis for the shorter kid is my current must read all the things. She's struggling badly this year so far. So much more to do. I texted her biological to keep him "in the know" and did not get a response. His mom was more than happy to answer my medical history questions though. It hits me like a ton of bricks how blessed I am to have Matt. He's here and supportive and reminds me it's all going to be okay. His presence and logical way about him offsets my emotional runaway train. He truly is the yin to my yang. My anxiety has been all over the place with everything and I'm like calm your shit brain. And it's like haha no. So I throw myself into work and get shit done, then I'm exhausted and can't even. Waiting for a doctor appointment and it was 15 minutes ago and I'm still here in the waiting room. Never on time. I know at least one person in the waiting room and I'm trying not to be seen. Not really working because small waiting room. It's almost the weekend and that's exciting for no particular reason other than weekend. Purple slushy. Pretty sure it was blue because I hate grape flavored anything. I think purple just rolled off the tongue easier. See also what my brother in law would say when teasing me about my ADD. I miss my mama. FB post of mama cuddles the other day and I'm like I want mama cuddles! It feels impossible. I need to get my brakes done. I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled before they go painfully bad. Doctor appointment copays and meds. It's all money that has to be spent. Taller kid that won't stop growing and changing and it's freaking me out because she was just a baby. She's thriving this year, really for the first time since she started school, and she's been overshadowed by what going on with her sister. It feels a lot like what happened when I was a kid. My brother was a lot to handle. Sigh. Being an adult is a horrible unbalanced scale of trying to do the right thing without everything falling over. 30 minutes passed my appointment and I'm still in the waiting room. Hey look an email about viewing my medical history. I'm still in the waiting room, you haven't even seen me yet. Also, hungry because always hungry. Pew pew pew. Does mobile even allow bullets? I don't know how I would do that. Ooh it's my turn! Hooray.