(First class after a Death Eater meeting)
Snape (exhausted): Kids, some advice, don’t join a cult.
(Storming into the staff room)
Snape: I'm pissed!
McGonagall: Again or still?
Snape: *sighs*... I don't even know anymore
Snape: You ever just get a sharp stabbing pain in one of your organs and think ah fuck its finally happening
Kidnappers: We have your nephew.
Snape: You have Draco?
Kidnappers: Yes.
Snape: His father will be hearing about this.
Snape: I have issues.
Lupin: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-
Snape: With you.
Snape: Are you a newspaper?
Harry: No, why?
Snape: Because it's a new issue with you every fucking day.
Snape: You know when you tap a YouTube video to find out how long you've got left of it?
Snape: I wish I could do that when talking to people
Hermione: I don't think Snape is pleased with you.
Harry: Why do you say that?
Hermione, *reading aloud*: "Dear Potter, I hope this message finds you before I do."
McGonagall: Why are you on the floor crying?
Dumbledore: This book is so fucking SAD
Snape: That's my diary...
Dumbledore: Y'know, Harry, sometimes you really remind me of Severus.
Harry:
Snape: *stunned silence*
Snape: YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Sirius: Hello, Snape. Surprised to see me?
Snape: I didn't say Bloody Mary three times, so yes
Dumbledore: You need to react when people cry.
Snape: I did. I rolled my eyes.
Harry (to Voldemort): So you want to be a God huh?
Harry (cracking his knuckles): I can at least arrange for you to meet him
Voldemort (to his Death Eaters): If I die my funeral will be the party of the century and you're all invited
Lucius: ... If?
Snape: Great, the first party I've ever been invited to and he might not even die
(Project: He Who Will be Maimed - Secret Taskforce Meeting - Dumbledore's Office)
Dumbledore: Time for plan G
McGonagall: Don't you mean plan B?
Dumbledore: Nope, we tried plan B a long time ago. Didn't work.
McGonagall: C?
Dumbledore: I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties with Hufflepuffs having "moral codes"
Sprout: What about plan D?
Flitwick: Plan D was a desperate seduce and destroy attempt about half an hour ago
Lupin: And plan E?
Dumbledore: I'm hoping not to use plan E. Snape dies in plan E
Snape: I like plan E.
Snape: ... All those in favour raise your hand
....
Snape: ✋
Lupin: Will you go out with me?
Snape: Nah.
Lupin: I have a good heart.
Snape: I don’t need a transplant.