HELLO?????

go executive branch go

My boyfriend's professor doesn't believe I exist, so I sent this email

And his professor responded with this

The first funny bitch was Cain, who straight up lied to God after killing his brother.

God: where’s Abel?

Cain: fuck if I know??? I’m not in charge of him

It is TRAGIC that you can’t read this in the original Hebrew.

God:  Where’s the Sheepkeeper?

Cain: Do I LOOK like a Brotherkeeper? 

God: hey where’s Abel???

Cain:

He killed his yonger brother in cold blood because he was jealous of him. There is in no way anything funny about this. No hesitation just poped a rock over his turned head, droped his body over the edged and tried to lie to god about what he did. FUCK YALL CRAZIES!!!

oh are those the receipts, Cain is problematic now?

Cainceled 

This post gets worse every reblog

yet im not Abel to scroll past

This post hit me like a rock to the head

This is the quality content that keeps me on Tumblr

"The Stoppables"

Submitted by an anon.

reblogs for bigger sample size appreciated

polls can be submitted to this blog via asks or submssions

if i was a court jester i’d flirt with the king at any given opportunity. subtle at first but if he was interested and we’d share banter then i’d sit in his lap. then he would say i’m the funniest silliest little man alive and kiss me with tongue

how could he NOT fall in love with me though like i am literally there making him giggle, daily. a grown man covered in gold and he is just laughing at my stupid little jokes. i have that bastard wrapped around my finger. He knows it

all part of the plan

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

Well unless the mall is his native territory I think I'm fine, I wasn't planning on smiling at him

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

Misguided! I would much rather have a mallmate I can easily see and hear coming. I'm confident I can stay out of the gorilla's way, but if I step on a snake or one otherwise gets the jump on me, it's all over.

It's not just about the physical danger either, it's about my mental health. One gorilla, unless he's actively mad at me, I just keep a healthy distance between us and make sure I never get trapped. With the snakes, it requires a lot more constant vigilance

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

this is too good to leave hidden in the replies

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

women’s right to respect isnt determined by how fuckable you think they are btw

i do think body hair and fat rolls and weak jawlines and ext are sexy, but that’s not why women like that are deserving of respect for their bodies. fundamentally, if your response to bodyshaming aimed at women is to go “uh, well, i’d fuck her” you don’t get it. its not about sexiness, it’s about your ability to respect someone you dont find attractive and not bring it up at every available time and not generalize all women with a certain body type

THIS

there is milk in girls

and we can get it out of them.

whatever you say tumblr user lactating

"Can I put a live lizard in my mouth?" is obviously a reasonable question we need answers to, but "How did you get bit on your uvula?" is also a reasonable question none of us are prepared to answer.

I misread that so badly and was CONCERNED how we got there from putting a lizard in your mouth.

That being said, oh god that must’ve hurt like hell!

Science has no constraints

bro…

Not all heroes wear capes…

Fun story, my dad’s friend from college once wanted to bring his best friend from Palestine but he couldn’t get the papers so they went to court to say they were married or some shit and brought my dad to as a witness and the judge was like “prove it? I don’t believe this is an actual marriage and you two are in love” and like they shrugged and started to make out so hard that security had to come to split them up because they went to far, so yeah, real homies make out in a court room to get your homie into Canada to avoid being deported back to his refugee camp.

love this

Person who really wants to be dominated by a strong-armed authoritarian in a snappy uniform, but also they want to keep their kinks ideologically pure, so they split the difference and fantasise about getting their ass beat by the inspector-general of the US Postal Service.

#get spanked by a starfleet officer like the rest of us (via @theragnarokd)

I love a fictional criminal with a complicated and tragic backstory as much as the next nerd, but there's something to be said for "criminals" where it's legitimately unclear what crimes they're actually committing because they spend most of their screen time having slapstick car chases with comically inept trench-coated police inspectors.

"Stop, in the... [breathes heavily] in the name of the law!"

"Okay, [pant] you've [gasp] got me [wheeze]. [gasp] Sorry, give me a minute"

"[still breathing heavily] Take your time"

"[sigh] What can i do for you, [pant] officer?"

"Well, uh..."

"What?"

"Well, Inspector Jenkins said 'Follow that car!' And so i did..."

"Well, where's Inspector Jenkins, then?"

"I think he got lost back in the subway station. Nice moves, by the way"

"Thanks. So he didn't say why he was chasing me?"

"There wasn't time. He-"

"This is Inspector Jenkins to all units. Suspect is in custody, stand down"

"Jenkins, this is Rice. You sure you got the right one? 'Cause I'm looking at him right now."

"What are you talking about? I just put the cuffs on her myself- wait, did you say 'him'?"

"Jenkins, when you said 'follow that car', you were pointing at the red one, right?"

"No, you idiot, it was the green one! Where the hell are you?"

"You're free to go"

"'Til next time, officer"

"Wait, next time? Does this happen to you a lot?"

"Yeah. I've just got one of those faces, i guess"