There’s a story behind every picture: the first was taken as a little kid slipped on the ice and slapped his dad’s helping hand away (at Webster Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/Btn8lhHBQMk/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1d8vdzrk8mq2y

0 degrees yesterday and I’m trying to remember why I moved here. (at Rochester, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs8VuTuB8Lm/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=iauad6mv24ye

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake.” - Molly the cat, probably https://www.instagram.com/p/BsYVoyihxCA/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=j1o2wl12hbj7

Apparently it’s been 38 days since I last posted here. I think it’s been just as long since I last read anything here too. I’m not really sure why that happened, but I’m not too bummed.

I had a client go to jail today get taken into custody at court because he had a freakout over his ankle bracelet being too tight. They cut his original bracelet off to switch them out and when they put the second on he melted down about it being too tight. The normally lenient judge didn’t like that. He might be the only client I’ve ever been freaked out by. He got out of prison this year after doing twenty years for attempted murder. I’ve found things to like in successful murderers and I’ve felt compassion for them, but I have nothing for this guy. I won’t lose sleep over him, except for maybe being slightly worried he’ll come shoot me.

I’ve had a ton of success flipping stuff on eBay the past few months. It’s a blast getting rid of my old stuff and finding things at thrift stores to sell. I know nothing about tennis rackets, but I found a vintage one for $2 and sold it for $20. I bought two broken PS3’s on Craigslist for $10. I fixed one just by resetting it and sold it for $50. It’s way more fun and profitable than my goddamn Uber experience in the spring.

My entire life, I’ve had random bloody noses when the air gets dry. Luckily I’ve never bled on my shirt or anywhere overly embarrassing, but lately they’re waking me up in the middle of the night. I finally made an appointment to get it cauterized, which sounds terrifying but probably won’t be too bad. My nose: invoking the nuclear option.

Who knows when I’ll post here again. I rarely post on Instagram, but I look at it way too often and I’m generous with the likes. I would never be so narcissistic as to say that if you want to know I’m still alive, follow me there. But that’s exactly what I’m saying. Come find me @shanekelley93. SEACREST OUT.

I love fall colors. (at Mill Creek) https://www.instagram.com/p/BpzV83HB4u2/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=zcri1upcgenr

Thursday Thinks

I’m riding my bike to work every day now and I change into dress clothes when I get to work. This morning I forgot my belt. Apparently it’s a look some guys go for. I feel naked with empty belt loops.

Whenever I have kids, I hope I have a son so I can call him “my boy.” It always sounds so masculine and fatherly when a movie or book character uses that phrase.

I’ve gone fishing seven days in a row and I didn’t catch anything. To be fair, I could have easily caught small fish if I tried for them, but I wanted something decent. It’s made worse by this: there’s an app called Fishbrain where people post their catches and you can search it on a map. There was a kid maybe fifty feet away under a bridge who apparently caught a big pike at the same time I was there, but I only found out the next day when he posted the pictures on the app. Fishing is the worst.

This season of Big Brother is the best in six years. I’m praying that Tyler or Angela, who just told each other that they’re in love, will be forced to vote out the other. It was a horrible move to kick out Sam and keep JC and now it’s obviously going to be their downfall. I love seeing Julie drop her married name when she introduces herself and signs off.

I just finished Bachelor in Paradise. I know it’s a high pressure situation, but damn, I can’t believe how many strong couples melted down at the end.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this along the way, but I was sitting in the Wendy’s drive through waiting to order when a homeless guy came up to my window. He said it was his birthday, which was funny because I don’t think I’ve ever met a homeless person on a day that wasn’t their birthday. He asked for money and I said no, then started to drive forward so I could order. He slapped my car and yelled “do you know who I am?!” I’ve always heard famous people and politicians and athletes drop that line when they get pulled over or get hassled, but I never thought I’d hear a homeless guy say it. Sorry man, I don’t know your name, but I’ve definitely never heard of you.

I should start a blog dedicated to talking about the people seen on Humans of New York. They make me feel nothing or everything.

This guy’s statement is the epitome of my theoretical worst client possible. Nothing predicts future crime more than what the eggheads call “criminogenic thinking,” which is a collection of thinking processes shared by people who commit crime. Every sentence from this guy is an example of criminal thought.

It’s shameful that people go to prison and they’re not given any tools to succeed when they get out. And I have no doubt his life before that was a nightmare for him and he was victimized as much as he victimized that kid. But this kid (at least 24 years old) is bound for more pain and anger if he never changes how he thinks. The least of his problems is having a felony.

I actually laughed out loud how he said it was self defense, then admitted to going out of his way to send a kid to a place where other people wipe your ass, then talked about how his ego was the real victim. Almost every single one of my clients has said one of those things to me and they see absolutely nothing wrong with it. They all feel so strongly about it, as strong as I feel that my car needs gas to run or my cat needs toys to be happy. It takes a lot of time and effort to get them to see their backwards thinking, even more so when they’re not open to change.

This is my “behold!” pose. (at Surfside, Texas)

Even for me, Fort Worth is too Texas. (at Fort Worth, Texas)

This squirrel had no idea how close it was to having the worst day ever. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl24GTwj-f2/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=12io53cu8y9sd

This defendant is probably like “mistakes were made...”

My ER bill from the stingray incident last month is $2000. Most of it, $1500, is for the doctor. I was there more than two hours and saw him less than ten minutes. All that money for his time, a painkiller, X-ray, and wound cleaning. At least I’ve now met my deductible for the rest of the year.

I was scrolling through Instagram when this buttplug looking object came across as an ad. It’s curiously called a “double headed reamer.” I haven’t searched for sex toys recently, so I was thoroughly confused. I googled it and it turns out that it’s used for juicing citrus fruits. The reviews/questions on Amazon are hilarious and the tone deaf responses from the company make it even better. My favorite is “is the base flared enough for safety?”

I bought a bike! I found it on Craigslist and it’s perfect. I lost my debit card and couldn’t withdraw cash and I was very surprised the seller accepted a check. She asked if I’m a scammer, which I guess is the only question you need to ask in that situation. I think I’m going to get three or four people out of jail today and put two in. The two are both home confinement clients who were doing well since their release a month ago, but for whatever reason they just had to get cigarettes at midnight or be gone for five hours while somehow maintaining that they never left. I feel bad for one of them, because I warned him that his judge notoriously doesn’t give second chances and the slightest problem means going back to jail. Last week I gave him one of my dad’s old ties for a job interview. No good deed goes unpunished.

For the second time in as many years, my car was broken into. Last year it was for the purpose of taking the stereo worth $40, this time I’m sure it was to see what was under the jackets I should have taken out months ago. Luckily the only thing that’s missing is a pack of cigarettes. I’ll chalk this up to yet another life in the city experience.

My parking for work just went from free to $30/month. I live only 1.5 miles away from the office, so I’ve been thinking a lot about getting a bike for my daily commute. I’ve done multiple deep dives on Craigslist. People are either awesome or horrible at describing things on there. Most listings have one blurry picture from a bad angle and the caption is “used bike, give me an offer.” For sure not bookmarking that.

I found a cool folding bike, which I have absolutely no use for, that usually sells for $400 listed for $90. I want to get it just because, but I barely even need one bike. It’s been years since I last rode a bike and I’ll only be on it twenty minutes a day, it’s not going to be a hobby.

I don’t know if I should use a helmet or not. Of course I should, but there are bike lanes the entire way to work. And more importantly, they never look good. I hope I don’t end up like my brother’s friend who got hit by a car and sustained memory loss and bleeds out of his ears when he exercises too hard now.

I was going to get a very high profile client this morning, but my boss took it over. She always gets the clients who are in the media, so I had a feeling it would happen but it still sucks. I put a lot of work into getting him out of jail, I would have liked working with him going forward.

The media is going crazy over the case. He isn’t even charged with anything violent, which is usually what gets everyone’s hackles up. It’s related to an overdose death and with the hysteria around heroin, police chiefs and DA’s think they have carte blanche to give addicts life in prison plus cancer.