Black and White (Part XXXVII)
((Sorry this one took so long!! Also, this chapter contains very mild sexual content. Things get slightly “hot and heavy”, but nothing more than intense making out.))
The knock at the door startled Remus, who nearly splashed tomato sauce on himself as his wooden spoon dropped in the pot.
"Jesus," he swore quietly, turning his head towards the door. "It's open!" He called out, before directing his attention back to the pasta sauce.
"Didn't I tell you not to leave your door unlocked?" Sirius' tone was playful and it sent warm tingles through Remus.
"Didn't I say something about paint on the door handle?" Remus retorted, keeping his eyes on the hot plate and pot of sauce. "Or… in this case, spaghetti sauce…"
Remus felt two hands grip his hips and Sirius' torso pressing against his back, and he leaned into the touch. Sirius' mouth was on his neck, peppering kisses into tender flesh, trailing down to his collarbone. It took everything Remus had in him to keep his mind focused on cooking.
"Hey, you," Sirius whispered in Remus' ear, sending chills down the artist’s spine. "Smells delicious in here."
"Thanks," Remus croaked, his grip on his wooden spoon tightening. He felt Sirius' nose run through his curls, pressing a kiss into his head.
"Just… just a bit…" Remus admitted, nearly knocking his pot over and splattering tomato sauce across his make-shift kitchen.
Sirius let out a deep laugh that rushed through Remus' chest, settling in the pit of his stomach. Remus loved that laugh, and he hated how good it made him feel.
"I'll leave you to your cooking then. Need help with anything?"
Remus shook his head and almost groaned at the absence as Sirius pulled away from him.
As Remus finished preparing the meal, he couldn't help but notice Sirius sitting at the tiny table that had been cleared off for the occasion. The gallerist looked out of place in his tailored suit and tie, as if he were a sticker placed over top of a painting of somebody else's life. Remus felt his stomach twist as he wondered what Sirius was thinking— whether or not he was uncomfortable in Remus’ flat, if he was regretting his decision to come over, if he thought Remus’ living situation was pathetic. The look on Sirius’ face, however, seemed to be a pleasant one, and he smiled up at Remus as the artist brought two plates to the table.
“I know it’s not much...” Remus began, his gaze dropping to the mismatched plates and cutlery, and the makeshift dinner he had managed to throw together.
“It’s perfect, Remus,” Sirius responded, his grin broadening as his eyes lingered on Remus’. “And I’m sure it’ll be delicious.”
“I wouldn’t put money on that,” Remus mumbled as he sat down across from Sirius and poked at his own spaghetti with his fork. Sirius let out a hearty chuckle and Remus couldn’t help but smile; somehow, despite his appearance, Sirius was thoroughly at home in Remus’ flat, and it put the artist at ease.
“So…” Sirius started after he had taken a bite of his pasta. “Are those paintings the ones for Dorcas’ client?”
“Oh, yeah!” Remus grinned up at Sirius before glancing over to the three canvases that had been pushed to the side of his flat to free up some floor space. “They sent me the details, so I figured I’d get started on the pieces. Do you… think they’ll like them?”
“Yeah…” Sirius muttered softly, as if he was lost in the painting that had caught his attention. “I think they’ll love it…”
Remus took a bite of his dinner, his eyes focused on the plate, as he tried not to blush. The way Sirius looked at Remus’ art never failed to make the artist giddy, sending a thrill through his body that lifted his spirits. Remus found himself working for Sirius’ approval, constantly seeking that feeling of being complimented on his paintings. He wasn’t used to that kind of attention on his work, and it made him feel like he actually had potential in the art world, like he could somehow become accomplished as an artist. When Sirius admired Remus’ work, it made him feel invincible; if a gallerist like Sirius Black could see something in his art, maybe there was hope for him yet.
"You look lost…" Sirius muttered softly, drawing Remus' attention back. "What's up?"
"Just…" Remus shrugged. He wasn't sure if his feelings were something that Sirius could understand, considering the life that he came from. "Just happy that you're here."
Sirius beamed at Remus, reaching out a hand to grasp Remus'.
"I am too," the gallerist said softly. "I've got to be honest, I was a bit nervous coming over as your boyfriend instead of your gallerist…" He teased, giving the artist a cheeky smirk.
"Same," Remus laughed, taking another bite of his pasta.
"But…" Sirius continued, giving Remus' hand a squeeze before returning his attention to his plate. "I'm glad you invited me. This is perfect, Remus."
"Remind me again what I did to deserve you?" Remus half joked. Sirius seemed to see past his facade of humour, because his expression sank slightly.
"I've been asking myself that all week…But… you know… the other way around..." he responded, a subtle blush creeping across his pale cheeks.
As dinner went on, the two men talked about art and Remus' upcoming job. They sprinkled in conversation about the gallery, although Sirius made a point of not discussing anything too close to business. Remus talked a bit about his goals for the future, and Sirius chatted about his plans for Black and White. All in all, their conversations were light-hearted and surface-based, neither man ready to delve any deeper just yet.
"Any idea what you wanna do now?" Remus asked over his shoulder as he placed their dirty dishes in the sink.
Sirius shrugged, his smile reaching all the way to his glimmering blue-grey eyes.
"It's your place, Remus. You invited me over. I don't know what kind of entertainment you have…"
Remus glanced around his tiny flat and realized the error of his ways— there was really nothing to do in there except watch a movie on his computer.
"That… may have been an oversight on my part," Remus joked, more to himself than anything. "We can… uh… watch something on my laptop?"
“You invite me over to watch a movie and you don’t even have a TV?”
Remus watched as Sirius tried— and failed— to suppress his smirk.
“Yeah, I didn’t exactly think this one through,” he murmured sheepishly. “I usually just watch stuff on my computer when I'm home...”
Sirius got up from the table and sat down on Remus’ bed, the closest thing resembling a sofa in the tiny basement flat. He tapped the mattress beside him, beckoning Remus over.
“This just means we’ll have to cuddle close in order to watch anything,” Sirius cooed softly.
Remus grinned down at Sirius, still surprised at how comfortable this high-class man looked in the artist's cheap little bachelor pad. He liked seeing Sirius relaxed like this; it was a new side to the gallery owner that Remus had never seen. Their entire relationship seemed to consist of Remus discovering new sides of Sirius that he hadn’t realized were there before.
Remus grabbed his laptop and set up his computer on the bed before settling in next to Sirius. Without missing a beat, Sirius’ arm was around Remus’ shoulders, pulling him close into a side hug. Remus hummed happily as his boyfriend’s fingers ran up and down his shoulder, tracing delicate patterns that sent shivers through Remus’ entire being.
Sirius leaned in close to Remus, the tip of his nose grazing the shell of Remus’ ear.
“Next time,” he whispered coyly, “We do this at my place. At least I’ve got a television…”
Remus rolled his eyes and gave his boyfriend a playful shove.
“What, you’re not enjoying slumming it? I thought you rich boys liked pretending to be normal people…” Remus had intended it to be a joke, and he didn’t realize his mistake until Sirius’ fingers stopped moving along his arm. The artist looked up at his boyfriend. “You okay?”
“Is that all you think this is, Remus?”
Remus’ brow furrowed in confusion.
“Do you think I’m just… some rich guy who’s with you to pretend to be normal?”
“What? No! Not at all!” Remus immediately turned to Sirius, placing a hand affectionately on his boyfriend’s thigh. “I was just teasing, Sirius! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it, I swear! I just… I was just kidding around… I’m sorry...”
Remus hated the look in Sirius’ eyes and the fact that he had made his boyfriend feel that way.
Sirius glanced down at Remus, bringing a hand to his hair and playing absently with a loose curl. He smiled softly as he brushed it behind Remus’ ear.
“Good. I like you too much for you to think that this is anything else…” Sirius glanced down into his lap, pulling his hand away and letting it settle on his legs. “I… I hate that I’m not self-sufficient. I hate that I didn’t get to where I am based on anything but luck. And I… can get a bit self conscious when people bring it up.”
Sirius looked back up at Remus, who was giving his boyfriend a pointed glare.
“You are hard working. You have drive and ambition. Yeah, you had a bit of a leg up in life, but your gallery is your own. It’s something that you’ve created for yourself. There are tons of people out there who had the same opportunities as you and none of the drive, and I can assure you, they don't own their own businesses that they built from the ground up.”
Sirius looked like he had tears welling up in his eyes. He didn’t answer for a moment, instead choosing to stare at Remus in awe and disbelief. He leaned in and pressed a kiss into Remus’ head, and Remus could feel the gallery owner’s chest rise as he breathed in deeply.
“Thanks, Remus…” Sirius muttered into Remus’ curls. It sounded like his voice was slightly choked.
Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ torso and gave it a tight squeeze, waiting a beat before pulling away.
“Hey… what do you want to watch?” He asked casually, pretending that he didn’t notice Sirius subtly wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He leaned towards his computer and opened the folder filled with movies that he had downloaded.
“You choose,” Sirius responded passively, as if he genuinely didn’t care what was on the computer screen.
Remus hesitated for a moment before turning around and looking at his boyfriend.
“I just realized… I have absolutely no idea what kinds of things you like to watch…”
Sirius broke into a grin, brushing back his loose bangs from his face.
“In my own time or with people?”
“I don’t really watch things in my own time. I read a lot, but I’m not really one for watching TV or movies. I never had time for that growing up, so I never really got into the habit…”
Remus blinked at Sirius, unsure if he fully comprehended what he had just heard.
“You don’t… watch tv in your spare time?”
“No other streaming services?”
“Remus! I don’t watch tv! Is this… really that weird?”
Remus stared with his mouth hanging open, trying to imagine life without a television.
“Yes!” Remus shook out his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “Hell, I was practically raised by television!”
Sirius nudged Remus with his foot as Remus continued to stare in disbelief.
“Do you need a moment to come to terms with this? Or are you just gonna dump me now?” Sirius was smirking, but there was a tiny part in the back of Remus’ mind that genuinely considered it. A tiny part.
“I… I think this is a hurdle we can get over… together.” Remus offered a look of mock sincerity, as if this new discovery was the gravest of insults and the two of them needed to work through this. “But I need you to take this very seriously, or we’re going to have a problem.”
Remus gave his boyfriend another shove before he could finish his sentence, and Sirius chuckled softly.
“Right, okay. We’re gonna have to… start from the beginning, I suppose. Any genre in particular?”
“Whatever. James likes to try to make me watch fantasy stuff with swords and shit, that stuff isn’t terrible. Sometimes Lily will make me watch reality shows with her...”
“Fantasy… with swords and shit…” Remus repeated, unsure if he really could get over this hurdle. “Yeah, okay, we’re going to fix you, Sirius.”
Remus thought for a moment as he scanned his movie collection. When he came across the horror section, he had an image flit through his mind of himself and Sirius snuggled up together, Sirius protecting him from some imaginary threat.
He pulled up a movie and settled back in beside his boyfriend.
“What did you end up choosing?”
"Some old horror movie. I figured… it's good date material."
Sirius pressed a kiss into Remus’ cheek and gave him a side hug.
“Sounds like a plan. What’s it about?”
"Uh… a thing… in the Arctic… that imitates people?"
“Sounds awful,” Sirius teased.
“I swear, it’s better than it sounds!”
The two men settled in and began watching Remus' movie. It wasn't long before they readjusted their position and were lying down next to each other, the laptop resting precariously on the edge of the bed. Sirius was pressed completely against Remus, his arms wrapped tightly around him, and the artist was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on the movie.
Every time Remus shifted, he could feel Sirius' obvious arousal behind him. It was a good feeling, knowing that Sirius was attracted to him, enough so that it left a physical indication.
"You're making it very hard to pay attention," Sirius purred in Remus' ear, his hand sliding along the artist's thigh. Remus smirked to himself and wiggled his bum slightly, causing Sirius to exhale sharply. "Very hard…" he groaned, his fingers tightening on Remus' hip.
Remus rotated his body so that he was facing his boyfriend. Sirius' silvery eyes were clouded with lust, his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. The artist shifted his hips forward so that they were pressed against Sirius'-- he wanted to show Sirius just how hard things were.
Sirius leaned in and captured Remus' lips in a lewd kiss, deep and passionate. This was the first time they had kissed like that since their evening in the gallery, and Remus felt himself melt into Sirius' arms. He lifted his leg onto Sirius', angling his body and getting better leverage, trying to satisfy his growing need. Sirius' fingers dug into Remus' thigh, pulling it closer, grinding their pelvises together.
Remus buried his fingers into Sirius' hair, running them through inky black strands. He lost himself in the kiss for a moment, completely forgetting where he was or what he was even doing.
He felt his hands instinctively trail down Sirius' body, feeling the taut muscles of his chest, the shifting of his hips, the waistband of his trousers.
Remus' fingers found a button and he began undoing it, desperate to see what was underneath.
Before the artist had a chance to realize what was happening, Sirius' lips pulled away and his hand was grasping Remus' wrist firmly.
"W— wait," Sirius managed to get out, between panted breaths. "Hang on…"
Remus leaned back slightly, looking Sirius in the eyes. There was a burning passion there, an eagerness to continue what they were doing; there was also a distinct tinge of fear.
"What's wrong?" Remus whispered, trying to read Sirius' expression.
"I just— I'm not—let's do o— other things…"
It took him a moment to understand what Sirius was saying.
Sirius shook his head and gently moved Remus' hands away from his trousers. Remus pulled himself out of Sirius' grasp, bringing his hands close to his chest. He tried not to think about what Lily had said the other day— how Sirius had never had qualms about sleeping with anyone in the past.
Remus' emotions must have been visible on his face, because Sirius was suddenly there, brushing a curl out of Remus' eyes.
"Is— is it me?" Remus choked out, trying desperately not to sound as heartbroken as he felt.
"Oh, Remus…" Sirius' hands were on Remus' face, his thumbs running along Remus' cheeks. He leaned in and placed a tender kiss on the artist's forehead before continuing. "It's not you. I promise. This… this is me. It's a me thing. You're— god, you're so perfect, I just… this is on me. Please, don't think, even for a moment, that you are anything less than amazing."
Remus broke contact with the watery blue-grey eyes that had captured his attention. He looked down at his hands, wondering what was going on.
"Is it… because you've never been with… a guy before? I could— it's easy…"
Remus closed his eyes. He felt his body begin to curl in on itself, felt the pain inside rising up to his chest. Sirius had no problems sleeping with other people; what was it about Remus that was so awful?
The artist felt Sirius' arms wrap around him, pulling their bodies closer together.
"You… have nothing to be sorry for…" Remus murmured into Sirius' chest. "You have every right to decide what you are and are not comfortable with…"
I just wish that you were comfortable with me…
"I know. I just… I wish there was a way I could assure you that it has nothing to do with you." Another kiss was pressed into Remus' hair. "I'm so attracted to you, Remus. I'm just— I have some hangups of my own… you know?"
But all those one night stands that you were known for?
Remus didn't want to ask the question aloud. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to hear the answer.
"Here, let's—" Sirius shifted his weight and began to roll Remus over, to face the laptop. "Let's get back to watching the movie…"
Remus nodded and allowed Sirius to snuggle up behind him. He pretended to focus on the screen, pretended that he wasn't wondering what was wrong with him.
By the time the movie ended, Remus was ready to be alone.
"Thanks, Remus… dinner was lovely. And… and the movie was great. I… had a great night."
Sirius kissed Remus on the cheek as he stood by the door to the apartment. Remus forced a smile and nodded his head.
"Yeah… thanks for coming over."
This wasn't how he had originally wanted the evening to end.
"I'll call you tomorrow?"
"Yeah. That'll be nice…" Remus mumbled as Sirius let go of his hand and stepped into the hall.
