Fuck This

Wow so much has happened. First I lost my fucking virginity on Valentine’s Day and now every time I think about it I laugh cuz it was the funniest thing. Now I have a FWB type thing going on with C. It’s honestly not too bad and last time he came inside me and I fucking loved it which is shit now because of roe v wade being overturned. Also it was the first time he did cuz I legit was not on birth control until a week ago. I’m kinda nervous though cuz it was only a couple days after I got it that he came in me and I’m not trying to have a kid. But the sex is honestly good. I haven’t cum yet which is the shit part and when I mention it to j and n they say that’s to be expected. Honestly that’s shit. I think it would be hot as fuck to make a girl cum during sex cuz that means ur doing something right. When I have sex with a girl or eating a girl out my end goal is to make her cum. It’s such a power trip and soooo fucking hot so I don’t know why men wouldn’t want to do it more. Also C says he’s a pro at and loves giving head but he’s only down there for not even a minute. Bitch a woman’s body’s takes a good bit to get started up so put some effort in. I know that if he went a little longer he might be able to make me cum. Then the fucking cherry on top is the fact that he asks me if I’m about to cum like excuse me. You shoving ur dick in me is doing nothing yeah it feels like sex but it’s not enough. I did tell him to rub my clit and bitch he does but not for long enough. Then last time we fucked it felt so good I was about to cum but then he did and I didn’t get to finish :(. My hope is that eventually he makes me cum🤞 also J has been living with me over the summer and it’s great except for my mother. She is being so annoying like always and j is seeing exactly what I’ve been complaining about and why i don’t like my mother. She was ready to move back home and if she did that would kill me but I totally understand. There’s more but I’m too tired to type it all

Got the VID bitches

I’m also no longer going to flirt with them or mention wanting to fuck someone because then they just say to find someone or they’re gonna help me find someone and I’m not in the mood. I just get so nervous when thinking about it. I know i shouldn’t hold back but i don’t know if it’s the fact that I have no experience with relationships or if it’s because I’ve never been hit on by a guy in my life. I feel like a little bit of both cuz on one hand I have no idea where to ever start to be in a relationship and on the other Im nervous I’ll be rejected because I’ve legit never had a guy call me cute or attractive other than some weird drunk guy in an insomnia cookies but I was also a lot heavier at the time and probably would’ve been an easier target to get with. Oop forgot I was also hit on by a drunk frat boy with chlamydia too but he was icky so I don’t count it.

Some part of me hopes guys don’t hit on me cuz I’m too attractive or intimidating but I feel like it’s probably just my face. Ive said it before and I’ll say it again I fully believe that I have a face only women can love. Maybe I just haven’t found the right guy but I want more people to hit on me so I can feel a little more confident in myself. There’s only so much I can do to boost my confidence and help me believe myself when I say I’m attractive

I have realized that I do not give a shit about other peoples problems. yes I feel bad about what happened and I’ll listen but I’ve lost all energy to comfort someone who is upset. Idk if it was because of A or what but I don’t like helping people that way anymore. Also J was telling me about this boy D and I told her she should block him for a bit so she can think but then she got all defensive and was saying how we only see the bad side of him or only hear about the bad things so that’s why I’m saying that. I’m gonna be honest I think I’m a pretty good judge of character and I feel like I’m sensitive around those who are gross but I just don’t know it yet. I’m not gonna say I’m 100% right but I feel like what’s happening between them is kinda toxic and not great but I’m not gonna comment on their “relationship” anymore cuz it’s obviously not my place and it doesn’t really seem like she would listen to what I have to say about it anyways. Also I was high when she was upset and I know myself enough to know that I have no sympathy for people when I’m high. I don’t give two shits when people are crying in front of me I just want them to stop and just get over it. Idk if that’s because I tend to push things down anyway so it annoys me when others don’t

I laid on n yesterday and gave her a hug and I was legit all up on her and I felt like I wasn’t close enough. I kept wanted to get closer and be in her skin but I couldn’t. Also I have eaten out and fingered both n and j and now all I want to do is eat someone out. I legit love listening to the sounds they make when I move my tongue a certain way. I also really want to feel them cum in my fingers but I haven’t had a chance yet. First time I made j cum with just my tongue and the second time they both tapped out because it was legit 4 in the morning and I would’ve kept going. Also It always takes 2 weeks for the tension to build back up and now that both of them have a fuck buddy I have no one and I’m just horny. I don’t need someone to do anything to me I legit just want to watch them squirm. I need a girl to fuck and also j had said she’s gonna buy me a strap on for Christmas so I can use it on her and I legit can’t wait. I think I enjoy fucking girls a lot. I would honestly purposely tease whoever I’m having a thing with and make them all horny and tense so then when we get home they’re all sensitive and worked up.

Fuck now I gotta have some me time

I know my confidence is high now because a stupid fuck boy trashed my looks and body and I only cried for one night and still think I’m a bad bitch :)

Sometimes I think I’m the hottest shit and then I hang around guys with j and n and not a single one talks to me. Idk if I’m unapproachable or what. I legit wanna fuck but every guys is more attracted to them which I mean facts they are hot as shit and I probably shouldn’t get so insecure about it but I am. I also have no fucking personality. Mine is “gentle” and “soft”. Which is fine but I wish I had a fiery personality and could snap back with flirty comments but that’s not me. n said that I should just act more outgoing and then eventually it’ll become second nature but I feel like I’m faking it. I’d rather just sit back and observe. I feel like when I talk I have to think too much so I don’t pay attention and I also get flustered so I say stupid shit.

Everyone says you should stop looking for someone and they’ll end up coming to you, but how can that be when I haven’t even started looking. I see people and think they are attractive but I’ve never actively sought out someone to have a relationship with. I don’t want to force it. I want it to feel natural like starting with being friends and then it leading to more. But maybe that’s only the stuff I’ve read in books. Those type of books are my fucking bread and butter. I love when the characters in a novel just click and don’t feel uncomfortable around each other. Or they are super flirty and can fucking spout one liners like they were born to flirt. But I’m also a fan of enemies to lovers. The fucking tension that’s what gets me. Also the witty retorts. Sadly my fucking weed brain is dumb and slow as fuck. I feel like I used to have really good comebacks and could hold a flirty conversation with people but after this fucking year. I’ve lost almost all my social skills and I have one fucking brain cell left. J and N both will just flow with the conversation and flirt with all the fucking guys and the guys will flirt back because they are beautiful. But never to me. I always stand on the side and don’t say anything. Mostly because I don’t feel smart and any word that comes out my mouth is stupid. Also they fucking mumble all the damn time and there’s gonna be a day where drunk or high me can’t take it anymore and tells them to speak the fuck up. Next note, I’m also touch starved as fuck. I crave human contact. And I don’t feel comfortable hugging my friends for too long cuz I feel like they both don’t like it and are uncomfortable. Also I told J I wanted to cuddle with someone and she said I could be the big spoon but honestly I need to be held right now. I want to lay my head on someone’s chest and listen to their heart beat. I want to wake up to their sleepy smile and eyes. I don’t want to just cuddle with anyone. I want to cuddle with the love of my life. I’m so nervous the older I get the less chance I have of finding someone. But also I’m only 20 and I have so much time but I’m nervous that I’ll get stuck in a stupid relationship with someone I used to love. I would never be able to bring myself to break up with them especially if they obviously still loved me very much.

Sorry about the rant. There’s definitely more I want to say but my head is fucking pounding and I’m sore all over.

Ok jk I have more to say…

I’m also in pain all the god damn time. I have so many bruises on my legs that when I was putting lotion on them today every touch hurt. I can’t even cough cuz my side hurts too much and that’s a problem. I slammed my bad knee against the window and it hurts to walk and then I hit it again on the fucking door. My neck hurts and is stiff as fuck and when I tried to stretch it the other day I almost blacked out. Something is wrong with my neck and causing me to get light headed as fuck. Then don’t even get me started on my back but part of me thinks it’s because my period is probably gonna start next week so just pre cramps :(. But it hurts every morning and I feel like I’m forty and my body is falling apart. Maybe I need to eat more but I am nervous about gaining back a lot of the weight but I also know if I keep this path I might end up having an eating disorder. But I never want to self diagnose but I know I’ll probably never talk to a doctor about it because at least I’m not gaining weight. See what I’m saying and I’m not editing this so whatever I’m thinking is being put down word for word. I’m just in pain and I feel super shitty. I live with my two best friends and I still feel lonely and sad. Then it’s gonna get dark earlier and I’m gonna get worse

I don’t realize how touch deprived I am until someone I don’t know touches me and I get sad when they pull away.

How are all my sexbot followers doing today? :)

Good news!!!!

I GOT A CAR!!!

I’ve been saving for this bad boy for MONTHS!!! Now I’m finally done with work and have a couple of weeks off before I go to school again. I have time to just relax and get ready for school. Be freeeeee

Damn already almost halfway through July :(

Do you know what growing up has made me realize?

That there are so many more people who watch gay guy porn than I thought when I was younger and I’m thrilled.

Idk if this is an unpopular opinion but you know why I hate seeing ads and businesses asking regular people for money to help the less fortunate, it’s because we barely have half of the money that big ceos and the other one percent have. These bitches have so much money. Jeff bezos legit could’ve ended world hunger in a week and still have enough money to live 100 more lives. It’s disgusting. Then when people are like “oh no don’t use plastic straws! You’re killing the sea turtles! :(“ GUYS!! It’s not us! It’s the huge ass business and factories that pollute our world. The people that dump their gunk and receive no back lash.