Begin Again {Nessian}
Another oneshot written alongside my beautiful BFF, @throne-of-ashes-and-beauty . Enjoy. :)
Nesta stood outside his door, the sound of the rain intruding her thoughts.
She’d been there for ten minutes, getting soaked, unable to find the courage within herself to knock.
She’d been a bitch.
She was always a bitch.
It wasn’t even that she wanted to be, but she couldn’t help it. It was a sickness. A disease. Part of herself that she loathed.
She wouldn’t blame him if he hated her.
She wouldn’t blame him if he never spoke to her again.
He’d given her chance after chance, and she let him down every time.
Letting loose the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding, she lifted her fist to the door to knock.
The door swung open before she could make contact.
As he sized her up, looking at her drenched hair, the way her clothes clung to her body, she looked at him.
The suit he wore was cut to fit his strong frame perfectly. The black bow tie laid untied against his chest. His hair had even been combed and pulled back into a loose bun at the back of his head, pieces hanging loose around his face.
She said, “You’re busy, I’ll come back later” at the same time he said, “You’re soaked, come inside.”
They stared at each other for another moment before she walked inside, placing herself just within the threshold.
She wanted to tell him she was sorry. Wanted to tell him that he was right, about everything. But nothing came.
And he didn’t push her. He simply shut the door behind her with a quiet click.
Nesta stood there, rain dripping onto the small rug in his entryway. They stared at each other, the eventual chill settling into Nesta’s bones, and she began to shiver.
Cassian walked down the hall into the bedroom. He returned a moment later, clothes wadded up in his hands and held them out for her. She took them and stepped into the small bathroom across from the master bedroom.
She sloughed off her sodden clothes and laid them over the side of the tub. She found he had given a pair of fleece lined leggings and one of his football t-shirts from the University of Velaris. And a lacy black pair of panties.
She didn’t know why the underwear caught her so off guard. She’d left him almost 6 months ago, left him on one knee in the middle of the revelers at the Starfall Gazing Festival, a ring in his hand. It was only normal that he’d have found someone new, that he’d have moved on, in the most physical of ways.
She pulled the dry clothes on and threw her dripping hair up into a messy bun on the top of her head. She dug through the cabinets until she found a pack of makeup removing wipes and rubbed it over the lingering mascara smudged under her eyes.
When she made her way out of the bathroom, Cassian was lounging on the couch in a hoodie and sweatpants, flipping through the t.v. stations on mute.
“These panties fit nice,” she mumbled, a hint of jealousy controlling her voice.
The corner of Cassian’s lips quirked upward. “They should. They’re yours.”
Nesta froze, suddenly feeling stupid. She said nothing more as she sat opposite him in an armchair.
“You look good,” she said, quietly, at last.
“You only say that because I was wearing a tux,” he joked, but his heart wasn’t in it. This was as painful for him as it was for her, seeing each other.
“No, I-.” She took a deep breath and looked at where her hands were pressed together between her thighs. “I just meant that it’s good to see you.”
“Really, Nes?” he asked, and she didn’t glance up towards him, knowing he’d be looking at her. “It’s good to see me?”
Silence filled the room and she tucked her legs underneath her. She cleared her throat and he looked at her. The words she’d been preparing to say shriveled in her mouth. Instead she said, “The house is coming along nicely.”
“What are you aiming for here?” He asked, not unkindly, but it was clear he was on his guard.
“What do you mean?” She looked up at him then, she saw the barely concealed pain in his hazel eyes.
“You’re asking questions about me, about our hou-.” He stopped and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. “About the house. You’re being kind.”
She blinked at him. “What?”
“Kind,” he repeated. “The one thing you can never be. That’s what you told me, remember? That you couldn’t be with me because you weren’t kind, because you weren’t fit for my life.” He was standing at this point, pacing around the dark living room. “So help me understand, Nesta, what’s going on. Because I can’t figure out what’s happening when I open my door to leave, to go on the first date I’ve had since you left, since you destroyed me, only to find you standing on the front step, looking so heart-stoppingly beautiful that it causes me physical pain.”
Nesta couldn’t breathe.
He had been about to go out on a date. A nice date, too, judging by his attire.
And she had ruined it for him.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
And he laughed. He actually laughed. “You’re sorry?”
All she could do was look up at him, at the rage that simmered in his eyes. She stood and turned towards the door. “I should go.”
“Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?”
The way his voice broke nearly crumbled her resolve.
Her voice came out as a whisper. “Everything,” she breathed. “I’m apologizing for everything.”
He stepped in front of her. “What does that mean?” He tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at him. “What are you doing here, Nes?”
She wanted so badly to tell him, but there were so many emotions running through her mind that she could hardly sort them.
She was sorry.
She was sorry she had left him, rejected him, had made him believe that she hadn’t loved him.
Because she had loved him.
She had loved him so much that she didn’t want him to waste his life on her.
“I’m not good, Cassian,” she whispered. He groaned and pulled on his hair, freeing it from the tie at the back of his head. “You are good and kind and you love so hard and I’m not good for you. You deserve someone who is as bright and wonderful as you are. I’m just…” She struggled with the words. “You’re the light that makes the room glow. I’m the shadows that the darkness cowers into.”
He stared at her for a long time, silent, unmoving.
She felt like she was going to puke. “Please,” she whispered. “Say something. Anything.”
“I wanted to spend my life with you,” he said, voice low, weak. “I was ready to spend my life with you and you rejected me because that’s what you think about yourself?”
She hadn’t realized there were tears streaming down her pale cheeks until the sweet, salty taste could be felt against her lips.
She hung her head and the tears dripped onto her bare feet. She wrung her hands in the front of his t-shirt, the shirt she hadn’t worn in 6 months. “I was going to take that light from you. You wouldn’t have been happy with me.” The silence settled between them. “Not forever.”
“And who the fuck do you think you are to decide that for me?” He breathed.
She looked up, met his gaze, the fire igniting in her eyes, her spirit. “Don’t speak to me like that.”
He barked a humorless laugh. “You can trash yourself but when I call you out, calling bullshit, suddenly I’m the bad guy? Nesta, I know who you are! I know every little damn thing about you, and there is not one thing I do not love.”
Not did. But do.
She didn’t ignore the way his voice broke on that last word.
Love.
“Why?” The one word was cracked, shattered like her spirit. “Name one thing about me that’s worth it.”
Cassian crossed the space between them, cradling Nesta’s tear-stained face in his hands. “You.”
Nesta blinked, waiting for him to go on.
“You are worth it, I need no reason to love you, but if you want them, I’ll tell you.”
Nesta couldn’t believe that he was touching her, that his lips were so close to her own. She gripped the front of his sweatshirt, terrified to let him go, fearing that he would step back if she did.
“I love you because your heart, despite what you believe, is so full of love for your sisters. You would do anything for them.”
He pressed a kiss to her right cheek.
“I love you because you aren’t afraid to call me out on my bullshit.”
He pressed a kiss to her eyelid which had just fluttered closed, as a tear fell.
“I love you because you love so fiercely, nothing can stand between you and those you care about.” He stepped back. “Except for yourself.”
She shook her head, but no words came.
“You are worth so much more than you believe,” he said, his breath warm against her skin. “You deserve happiness. If it’s with me, Nesta, then let me love you. Let me love you.”
The tears began anew and again, she shook her head, her tears falling onto his sweatshirt, darkening the places they landed. “I’m not worth it, Cass. I’m not worth your love.”
His lips pressed softly against hers.
He had always known how to shut her up.
“Don’t,” he began, kissing her once more, “ever say that.”
It was not an order, but a plea.
His weak voice shook with every word.
She wanted him.
Had never stopped wanting him.
“I love you,” she breathed. “But I am so scared to do so, so scared to give myself, heart and soul, over to someone. To give someone that power over me, that power to destroy me.” He began to step back, hurt wiping any emotion from his face. She gripped the front of his sweatshirt tighter, holding him in place. “But there is no one I trust more to protect my heart than you, Cassian.”
He froze, then his eyes drifted from her’s to her lips, then to where her hands were gripped in the fabric of his sweatshirt.
Fear.
She had always been fearful, had always been unsure of how to handle that fear.
But Cassian was the opposite of fear.
He was her light, her comfort, her salvation.
He pried her hands from his sweatshirt. The noise that left her was one of despair, but he pressed a kiss to her forehead and whispered, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right back.”
She looked up at him, saw the sincerity in his hazel eyes, and nodded, sitting in the chair behind her.
He backed out of sight and down the hallway. Nesta sat there, nothing but the television and a small lamp in the corner illuminating the dark room, and closed her eyes. She listened as the clock ticked, counting every second he was gone. She listened as Cassian dug through something in his bedroom, the bedroom they used to share. She listened as the rain beat against the glass of the windows, wondering how exactly she had walked the miles between her run-down apartment and Cassian’s house. She listened as his footsteps padded back down the hall. She listened as she heard him stop in front of her. And when she felt something metallic and cold press against the tip of her ring finger, her eyes shot open.
He was down on one knee, just as he had been months before.
“Cassian,” she breathed.
“Don’t speak,” he said, holding her hand, the ring he’d proposed with months ago, poised to slip onto her finger. “Don’t say anything, just…” He brought her other hand up, pressing a kiss to her palm, before resting it against his cheek. “Just be with me, Nesta. I love you more than I can put into words, but I’m willing to prove that love for you every day. Yes, I can be a stubborn prick, but you love that about me.” She quietly laughed, though it also sounded like a broken sob. “I love you. Be my wife. Be by my side. Forever. Please.”
The words halted on her lips.
The feeling inside of her was one she had rarely felt throughout her life.
Until she’d met him, loved him.
It was a beautiful feeling, but one she had run from once before.
And here he was, asking again. Loving her through her faults. Down on one knee, still wanting to love her, forever, unconditionally.
Her voice was nothing more than a whisper as she said, “Okay.”
“‘Okay’?” He laughed. “I don’t even get a ‘yes’? I get an ‘okay’?
She grabbed his sweatshirt and crashed his lips to her own, kissing him like she’d been dreaming of for months. Breathlessly, she asked, “How’s that for a yes?”
“That will do, sweetheart,” he said, and slid the ring onto her finger. “That will do.”
