Amethyst

Wait are we called mammals after mammary glands? Are mammals named after tits???

ARE WE THE BOOBS CLASS?

OH

We are. And we also named our galaxy after boob juice. Twice.

"milky way" is obviously milk, but the hidden part is that "galaxy" comes from the Greek γάλα (gála), meaning "milk".

It's the tit-goo path tit-goo-thing. We are very, very breast focused as a species.

Eukaryote (good-kernels) as opposed to prokaryotes(before-kernels). We are the Domain of Fortunate Cellular Nuclei.

Animalia (of the anima.) we are in the Kingdom of the Breathing, or the Air-Souled.

Of the Phylum (tribe or clan) Chordata (having a string). We are the Clan of the String, referencing the spinal cord.

Class Mammalia, of course. the division of the titties.

Order Primate, which is a bit stuck-up, but I suppose the people doing the naming get to pick. Primate is of course primary, or First/Highest. Interestingly, this is in the sense of it being a job; a primate is a bishop of Christianity. This is reflected in the medieval Scala Naturae, where “primate” is an office held by the “natural” or divinely appointed top being in each tier of existence. Seraphim are the primate angels; humans are the primate people; lions are the primate animals; oak trees are the primate plants; and diamonds are the primate minerals. Translating the intent here, we are the Order of Ordained Authority, which we share with other natural bosses such as lemurs.

Depending how you want to do this, we are also suborder Haplorhini, the dry-nosed. This is separated from wet-nosed apes.

After this we land in the repetition of Homina-homina-homina-homina where there are several classes that drill down ever further, all of them rooted in “hominid.” Everyone knows homo is “man, human” but the root of why it’s “man” is because it is first “earth”. Human means “earthling”, and is rooted in “not-divine.” We are the family, subfamily, tribe and genus of earthlings.

By the time you get to species we are very lonely indeed, with only one species in our genus. This is actually a terrifically lonely place, and in this we are “sapiens.” This doesn’t mean just “wise” but “being wise,” which is more of a duty than a descriptor.

When you put it in context: Domain of Fortunate Nuclei, Kingdom of the Air-Souled, Clan of the String, Class of Milky Boobs, Order of the Bosses, Family of Earthlings, Tribe of Earthlings, People of Earth, Earthlings, Thinking Earthlings.

The point of taxonomy does seem to be making oneself a box that excludes all others in order to feel properly lonely and alone in it; one’s place in the world defined until one is alone. however, zooming out a bit, it does make for some stirring company.

The spouse is getting curious about tumblr

he fucking killed the other guy

rare post where every single comment is funny

crying crying crying

Mobility assistance

if he was still alive I know in my heart that Terry Pratchett would have done a bit about Igors and Igorinas doing gender confirmation surgery by now. going into a lab full of bubbling vials and picking out a penis from a tank the way you pick a lobster. that one, please. you gotta be careful though because they'll really try to upsell you into getting two or three installed. people going to the clinic as pairs and just having parts swapped out for a discounted rate. maybe you actually just trade brains, that's even easier. Igorth have already been doing that thurgery for thenturieth.

#one day an igor forgets the lock the cage and a pack of penises escapes into ankh-morpork#the watch spends the next three weeks rounding them up

how DARE you leave this in the tags (affectionate)

Everyone knew it was best not to look too closely at Igor's jars.

Vimes was beginning to wish he had looked more closely at the most recent additions before Igor came lurching up the stairs to inform him:

"They have ethcaped, thir."

"Escaped. What has escaped, Igor."

"Thome of my.. appendageth, thir."

"Appendages."

"Yeth, thir. Of the... intimate variety."

"Of the intimate..." Vimes trailed off as the dawning horror overwhelmed his vocal cords.

He rallied. "Igor. HOW have they escaped? They are not known for their... perambulatory abilities."

"Really, thir? I've alwayth found them to have a mind of their own at timeth."

Vimes was staying calm. Yes. That was it. He was staying very calm. Definitely NOT thinking AT ALL about how Vetinari and... Good lord, The Times, would react to marauding pack of penises. Would it be a pack? Or would they go off on their own?

"I wath exthperimenting with cuthtom grown oneth, you know. For thothe who cannot grow their own."

"Err... what? Of course you were. I mean. Very good."

Pictured: An Igor harvesting appendages

#[a loud crash is heard from the lab] #[another igor runs past with a giant butterfly net. stopping briefly at the door to shriek 'THE VULVATHS''] (via @the-wave-finally-broke)

It turns out to be a brilliant feat of advertisement, as the people too shy or uncertain to go visit Igor rightaway effectively get a chance to discretely window-shop in public.

An unfortunate side effect being that a small girl, denied of her rightful need to be a Horse Girl by the limitations of being a native Ankh-Morpork child[1], would have adopted one of the larger Appendages of the pack and named it Free Willy. Her insistence that she could understand her pet through a bond of mutual sympathy was both touching and troubling, as was her announcement that Free Willy did not want to be attached to a governing body and forced into service, saddled with clothing, or made to perform tricks for audiences. With no Igor having the heart [2] to take it from her, the child was allowed to keep Free Willy, who lived for five healthy years in her family’s pigeon loft and eventually passed away from natural causes after a battle with another fighting cock. The child went on to write a well-acclaimed children’s book, The Willy that Would Be Free, which was, necessarily, a pop-up book.

[1] where an ordinary working class child CAN form a magical bond with a horse, in the form of a pie, labeled as beef.

[2] ha

Look, it got longer.

So did Free Willy.

kill the shift manager in your brain

you are not wasting time you are vibing. you are not being unproductive you are literally chilling. make a grill cheese with cheddar cheese and slather a piece of the bread with some honey and maybe you'll relax

Innes Keeper's Formula For Fantastic Grilled Cheeses (for nearly no extra spoons!)

Are you hungry? Do you have a hankering for grilled cheese sandwiches like, way more than a normal person maybe? Great news! I am about to give you the secret knowledge I stole, like Prometheus himself, from the Akashic Records—to bring back to Prudencia! And I’m even doing it without a ten hour long lecture about how the Akashic Records makes me think of idfk, 9/11, and how that relates to sandwiches.

I will, however, briefly say this: You gotta trust me when I say cooking grilled cheeses via this formula WILL grant you Bloodborne Insight. There is no fucking reason that making a grilled cheese this fucking delicious should be this fucking easy. I feel like I’m cheating God every time I do it because it takes (nearly) no extra spoons. And here’s where I show you why.

INGREDIENTS — SEASONINGS -butter, i usually use 2 or 3 tablespoons per sandwich -garlic cloves, I use 3 usually -a source of heat, like red pepper flakes, or szechuan peppers -a source of spice OR a source of sweetness, such as dijon mustard or honey. slather that motherfucker on a slice of your bread. -a source of herbiness, such as oregano, thyme, sage, rosemary, etc in any combination that goes well together or on its own. if someone tries to tell you that you need it fresh, they’re fucking lying, the 2$ crushed powdered sage is fucking great. experiment with other spices such as ground turmeric if you're spicy

INGREDIENTS - THE METAPHORICAL MEAT OF THE SANDWICH -two slices of bread per sandwich. this is actually a massive influence on your sandwich taste and texture as a whole. a basic white or wheat will still be fucking delicious because like I said, I stole this from the Akashic Records cookbook section and found it under “fucking perfect grilled cheeses forever”. However, if you CAN—getting bread like brioche, texas toast, brown bread, rye, or sourdough will make a sandwich already being elevated super easily to “pay 23 dollars at a fancy restaurant” level of elevation.

-one to three types of cheese per sandwich. you can get away with one type but really try for two or three if you can swing it. this is also one of those massive influences over the sandwich—listen, i know, that’s obvious, but stay with me—what matters isn’t the SPECIES of cheese, it’s the TYPE of cheese. getting the deli at your local Safeway or Walmart or whatever and asking for the cheese they gotta cut (or just in general the fancier, better-quality cheeses) is literally the only major requirement that I ask of you. If you are on SNAP/EBT programs, me too, and I promise you: Please do this. Please trust me when I say do not get the cheap Kraft-type cheese because it’s less money. I know it’s a bit extra but it’s only a bit to get like 1/4 or 1/3lb and you have no idea how much I’m actually getting a little emotional about this, because the “rice with butter and beans or top ramen every single day” life is soulsucking and sickening and it is genuinely one of the greatest sources of suffering to human beings I can imagine, I’m serious. Following this formula will genuinely change your life/mental health just a bit because you know that you have one meal that is super delicious, super filling, pretty damn cheap when it comes to how much you get, and super easy to make on days where the idea of doing more than just 15 minutes MAX is gonna make you wanna die.

super sorry for that paragraph btw i just really cannot overstate how this is a lifechanger especially when youre poor/low spoons/depressed. delicious food makes me not be as depressed. this is that.

METHOD

That’s literally it. I really hope this helps.

outta my way gayboy im making this sandwich

oh. oh my god. holy fuck. what. how. why. this is delicious. i kinda burned my bread and my cheese didnt melt all the way but it's still the best thing ive ever tasted?????

oh my god. this is so fucking good. the butter melting and absorbing the spices and herbs already smelled amazing, but then i threw the bread on and it started smelling EVEN BETTER. then i took a bite. holy FUCK this is better than sex. i legitimately believe that Innes Keeper stole this shit from Prometheus, there's no other way to explain why this is so easy to make, yet so FUCKING good, other than cheating a god.

I didn't steal it from Prometheus he's my trophy husband!

ok me and my partner went back and made this. exact words upon eating were “we’ve cheated god” and “i feel like my world just got rocked” and then we were both energized to get back to drawing. proof:

please make innes keeper’s scientifically proven perfect extremely easy grilled cheese

I'M PUTTING THIS ON THE FRIDGE (WHERE I KEEP ALL MY CHEESE)

Fuck it I'm gonna make the infamous inneskeeper grilled cheese, I'm suspicious of the honey part working but fuck it let's see what happens

i want this sandwich to impregnate me

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Closest match: Crouania attenuata isolate PD2952 plastid Common name: Small Banded Jelly Weed

(image source)

My latest cartoon for @GuardianBooks.

This is what will happen when I die if I am good.

that’s a whole man.

you can't leave off the photo the sawmill worker took of the kiwi

you can’t leave off the

photo the sawmill worker

took of the kiwi

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

Otra víctima del Chupacabras

this is true both when im watching something and irl but it is nigh impossible for me to learn or remember anyones name unless i see it written down

can't stop listening to this

Does anyone have the fucking tiktok video of the overly enthusiastic rich bearded guy showing off his new hiking shoes in his Mansion and the Woods, but then another dude duets with it to make it look like he's escaping from being held prisoner please please

edit THANKS @smellslikebot

Smug jug moodboard