I think you could too. You’re pretty charming. I forgot that I read that somewhere! If my man felt that way, then he would really not have to worry about performing that because I would be gone. I would love to attend this pool party. I wouldn’t miss it! I am going to surprise you, and bring the movie with me. We could end the party with like a backyard movie on a projector screen. We should be party planners or something, because we have something good here. likewise to you, babe.

Oh, I was genuinely just kidding but this may be my favorite compliment I’ve received in a while so I’ll take it. Thank you very much. RIGHT? What kind of person goes “Yeah, I’m not gonna satisfy my lady AND I’m gonna be public about it” like... that’s embarrassing, keep that shit to yourself or people like me are gonna come and try to steal your wife. Okay, then surprise me and bring whatever movie you want, just please no Allen, that’s my only request. Hey, I’m all in for starting off a new business, we plan celebrities parties, we make them not lame and we get to drink for free.

my incredible charm can get me pretty far before people catch on to what a shitlord i really am — took blake a while, admittedly, but so it goes with those rose-colored glasses. i had to get close to ben affleck and then pants him while loudly announcing that it was for stan lee. the target must change every time, or i imagine ben woulda been a lot more wary… anarctica is far… and cold… now if you’ve moved to tahiti? that’s a different story.

You’re not as charming as you claim to be Reynolds but alright, let’s pretend I believe you. My theory was voodoo, to be honest with you. I’m kind of disappointed it wasn’t voodoo what got you two together. Okay but here’s the question: why Ben Affleck and not Tom Cruise? I mean he’s my height and he’s never been “here” so he seems like an easier target. You afraid the science fiction guys will get ya? Oh Tahiti? So I can see you sweat your balls off? Yeah no thanks, either LA or Antartica and that’s final.

i really want to say i would dress as bellatrix, the girl has style and must be fun to be in her shoes. Those are the best kind of parties am i right?? 

Oh, ok. Sexy-ass Bellatrix, I’m into that. I’ll mark it down for you. I’ll put you down as a fellow Slytherin, in that case? Or are you anything else? And oh, they are the only type of parties I know my friend. Go big or go home.

Aha, are you sure you weren’t thinking about what I was thinking about, Ms. Kendrick? I’m just kidding. But you know what, you’re right. I think I’m gonna go do that at some point this weekend. “Baby, you don’t have to rush, you could leave a toothbrush at my place.” Not sure if you were referencing the very iconic DNCE song, but I couldn’t help myself. Okay, wait. Now that is really amazing. Gonna have to get my hands on Star Wars mac and cheese now.

I mean— maybe a little bit but just because I keep thinking how funny it would be to have a box or bag of dicks in your home at all time, comedy peak if you ask me. Atta boy, I have the best lobster mac & cheese recipe if you ever wanna do something special for her. I’m telling you, favorite dish in the whole damn world. WAIT WAIT can we pretend it was my intention to reference your song? Fuck, that’s so iconic. Worry not my friend, I’ll send you some because this happiness should be shared.

i know for sure you could, don’t lie to me. i’m too old to be lied to. i deserve better than this, anna. you can cry in the bathroom with me. it’s what you deserve. yeah and your three fans are my daughters so i don’t know if that makes you superior or not. scavenging is very hard though, don’t you realize that? i truly don’t know her because i haven’t watched it before.

See, albino snakes is what I’d refer to as ‘terrifying’. White koalas are different than the ordinary species and that’s what makes them beautiful. Goodness, it sounded like a One Direction lyric, didn’t it? You could always get an eucalyptus based perfume and go around spraying it on your mates. It’d be like being circled by koalas. I think I may start doing that from now on. My mates won’t be as excited as I am. Hmm, off the top of my head – did you know that red pandas came before black and white pandas?

See, my head comprehends that but my heart is set on a picture of a baby albino snake that makes me happy. And on that one picture of an angry wet koala that haunts me in my sleep. You know what, you should think of starting the female version of One Direction, that’d be cool, you do have a nice voice. Oh if I sprayed anything to my friends they’d punch me in the face probably. I would. But, if you think about it, your instagram would be fire with all those koala pictures. Wait, is that really how black and white pandas came to be? They ran out of red print? Amazing. You learn something new everyday. You really do know your animals.