I run this ship

I've been called an Old Soul by so many ppl that I've accepted it's what I am, even if I dont understand it. Then last night I was listening to my favorite crime podcast and the host said the first time someone close to you dies, the grief stays with you as a feather light blanket forever.

CLICK

I used to be catholic and as a kid I was even an altar server. I didn't do just morning and sunday mass, but weddings and funerals too. I SOBBED at every funeral I did and they eventually stopped asking me to serve.

I didn't know the person or the family, but as a kid I just felt too much and was too sad and I took my part in their last ceremony as too much of an honor and I thought about that person being locked in a box forever and I broke.

I learned early that death was forever and soon I was going to be in that box, my mom would be in that box, my whole world would be in that box.

No shit i'm an old soul.

Lzzy fucking Hale does it again.

The power of music, my friends, is not to be dismissed. DH and I were both feeling terrible yesterday when we went to the Alice Cooper and Halestorm concert, him from treatment, me from being heartsick. By the time we left we both had steel back in our spines and a fuck you smile on our lips. She reminded us that we're down but we're not out, we'll forever be the last ones standing.

I pretended that I was going to meet the band that night and I wondered what I would even say to them that wouldn't come out sounding stupid and cliche. If I didn't break down crying from excitement first I think I would tell them all Thank You.

Lzzy will never see this, but:

Thank you. Thank you for being a badass babe, a fucking legendary female rock star. Thank you for your beautiful siren scream that shreds my demons and brings me peace. Thank you for being you as loud as you possibly can and thank you for overcoming all the stupid sexism that stood in your way and for never giving up. Thank you for the community you cultivate at your concerts: so many fucking women with beautiful dark lipstick headbanging and screaming their hearts out as you just WAIL on your guitar. If theres a church its your rocknroll, and if there's a heaven it's a concert hall and it's serving beer.

DH gets notes from his doctor after each visit, and the last one updated his diagnosis from stage 3 to stage 4. This shouldn't be a surprise, he did have surgery two months ago to remove a new nodule, so I guess that's the definition of metastasis?

The internet says prognosis isn't good, and that most ppl with Stage 4 barely live for another year.

I'm terrified and in disbelief. He's been getting so much stronger, and I cannot see this killing him so soon. There are stories everywhere of cancer victims beating the odds and I have to believe that will be us.

We've been together since we were 18, and I'm not ready to lose my best friend.

My heart is torn my friends. A fellow triathlete I knew from the club was killed in the bike portion of her half ironman this weekend. We weren't close, I haven't actually spoken to her in a year, but she was bright, positive, friendly, and so overtly GOOD that losing her has left me crying all damn day.

She was hit by a tractor trailer on the southbound side of the road. The northbound side was closed for the race, and the investigation into why she left the safety zone is ongoing.

She knew better than to cross the double yellow line. Why was she on the wrong side of the road? She knew better, she did.

The last fucking post she made was a picture of her bike in transition.

"Can't wait to see what this race has in store for me!"

Fuck, i'm crying again

These new running shoes are magical, I actually ENJOY running again. So much so that I've set a goal for myself: 20 miles a week, come rain, snow, or stinking heat.

20 miles a week means I either do five 4 mile runs, or I can do two longer runs with a couple short run mixed in for recovery. Either way the daily mileage is never enough for me to justify skipping it. Can't say I'm too tired or it's too late or it's too hot to run because I know I can do 3-4 miles in my sleep.

That being said, while each run itself isn't too taxing, the increased frequency is reminding me just how lax I've been this year XD

@waynefromaustralia inspires me, so once I've accomplished 4 weeks of 20 miles per week I plan on attending a crossfit class once a week. There's a gym nearby that has super cheap drop in rates and all the reviews say they're friendly. It would be nice if it works out and I have a spot to get my lift on again...

Breakfast was dope!! Here is the before picture, no after picture bc its already in my belly ❤

Chopped up some garden green tomatoes and tossed them with cornmeal, flour, and Italian seasoning; threw it in a pan to slow fry while I sliced the green pepper into strips. Sauteed the pepper with garlic, salt, pepper and plated next to my tomato hash. Topped it with two over easy eggs and green onions.

Only the eggs were not from the garden. Now i'm chasing it all down with just picked strawberries and I don't think my stomach has ever been so happy.

Sometimes self care is bath bombs, take out pad thai, and binge watching your favorite show.

Sometimes self care is getting your ass to the dentist, making sure you eat a fruit and veggie each day, and getting exercise 3x a week.

Did you know that there are shoes out there that are so perfect that they feel like you're wearing a full body massage?? Lady at the running store helped me find new shoes and they made me MELT the moment I slipped them on. A four mile run later and my legs and hips feel loose?? My tendons are relaxed?? What is this witchcraft and have I really been wearing bad shoes this whole time??

I've started going back to the coached track workouts. The location moved to the high school down the street from my house, so I don't have the excuse of traffic anymore.

A girl named Bree is there and we are in PERFECT sync, our track splits are the same and we do every repeat together. Bree drives 45 minutes to an hour from her job to come to these workouts and hasn't missed one yet. So my excuse of no time is also gone.

There's also now a "spotty attendance" challenge between me and Donny, who also wasnt attending the run sessions. The challenge is to attend every July track workout, and I dont plan on punking out.

Alexa, what is this feeling of "I was stressed and fed into that stress by working more, deliberately cutting myself off from others bc that's how I cope, but now i'm crying bc look at my tribe and how happy they are that i'm back"?

I have been yelled at 3x today and feel pretty shitty about the state of my system, so I'm drinking jasmine tea and listening to Blood by In this Moment until I dont feel like crying anymore.

June is the best month for running. The air is refreshingly cool in the morning, warm with summer promises in the afternoon. The humidity just heavy enough to soak the trail with the smell of honeysuckle and fresh rain.

This will all go away by July, the honeysuckle blooms having fallen and the sun roasting us alive as the humidity suffocates us, but for now, just now, it's perfect.

Today is a day I can be proud of myself. After watching my coworker work her spreadsheets for 15 minutes, I then spent 8 or 10 hours trying to reproduce her work with new excel sheets. Coworker was out of office today, so I getting the next batch of updates out the door for her.

Boy do I understand her cursing now!! They're were a pain in the ass, and i'm slightly worried I forgot something, but i'm feeling proud that I figured it out and didn't have to ask for help!

I reached out to a secular therapist in my area.

I'm done with feeling angry, bitter, exhausted, and anxious.

This life isn't what I thought it would be, and it's time that I accepted that. I need someone to unpack my emotional baggage and help me throw away the garbage.