This is the thing about chronic illness that I keep trying to wrap my head around; it's chronic.

The horrors persist.

The horrors will continue to persist.

I've run out of medical interventions, I've run out of options. And at the same time I know I can't keep running away from my life. It's an excuse, and a valid one at that, but I'm tired of it derailing my life. But I have no choice.

As this disease perseveres in my body, I will have to persevere with my life in spite of it.

I am strong and resilient, and this is a good thing, but I wish I could be soft too. A soft version of me died many years ago. Years before the inflammation and pain took over my body. I wonder plenty about causation and correlation but I don't believe it's really of any consolidation now. Thinking about it isn't helpful.

I am grateful my condition is periodic. At least I get breaks. Others aren't so lucky with their medical misfortunes.

Although I generally endeavour to keep a zen mindset, a little 'woe is me' is good for the soul, I think. It can be cathartic. I'm allowed to shout out to the universe and to the void that this sucks. Because it does. It fucking sucks.

simply dont monday

This week on Dropout: on Monday, an all-new Game Changer with Becca Scott, Rekha Shankar, and Erika Ishii; on Tuesday, an all-new Um, Actually with Dani Fernandez, Elyse Willems, and Danielle Radford; on Wednesday, a VERY BIG episode of Dimension 20: Fantasy High Junior Year; on Thursday, a VERY CHAOTIC Adventuring Party and episode 2 of Smartypants with presenters Jess Ross, Jacob Wysocki, and Katie Marovitch; and on Friday, go behind-the-scenes on Very Important People: Last Looks!

Also, we'll have a trailer for a new series called Dropout Presents that will go up on Wednesday at 1:30pm ET / 10:30am PT, so stay tuned for that!

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@chitratxt​

Its Ehlers Danlos Syndrome awarness month and I would like to be LESS aware, please and thank you.

me: I'm done grieving, I already accepted my illness and all it brings with it, it's totally ok

also me on a random tuesday: my life is never going back to what it was, I'm never going to be able to do the things I loved the most the same, it's over and I gotta learn to live with that but it's kinda impossible because I'm so young and I had so many dreams and so many things I wanted to do that I can't anymore, at least not without all this pain and suffering

I've seen this before, but it's been years and it just came across my Twitter in its dying days. The words are from a favorite author of mine, Maggie Stiefvater, and they are the words I most need to hear when it comes to dealing with chronic pain and illness. I didn't need this the first time I saw it, six years ago. I need it now. Maybe you do, too.

Needed this today, I think.

Due to poor reading comprehension I selected no when I meant yes.

It's 9:45 pm and I'm sitting on a couch in the dark, utterly exhausted from working to keep myself afloat and unable to actually fall asleep because heartburn and other chronic pain are keeping me awake, while anxiety thrums in my veins and battles against the CBD gummy I took 45 minutes ago.

This is the fifth night in a row that I won't be sleeping well despite my body begging for rest.

I have two more days of work, a dog who has medical issues all her own, and brain fog so thick you could serve it in a bowl at a Michelin five star restaurant and Gordon Ramsey himself would dip his grilled cheese in and then beg you for the recipe.

All this to say that I think I'm finally seeing the problem when it comes to my ability to successfully write and publish novels well enough to start making money.

I keep thinking the problem was me (lacking motivation), but I see now that it's me (chronically I'll and acting like I'm not).

Because hours and outs of my life are being taken up by just trying to feel better, and then working myself back down to the bone, and having even more time stolen from me by symptoms keeping me up late at night when the clouds of mental fog only break after a full night's rest.

Idk where I'm going with this except maybe to say if you're a writer who is chronically I'll, has chronic fatigue, or even just battling the daemons (anxiety, depression, ADHD, PMDD, BPD, ect, ect) maybe it's time to consider that your lack of progress may not be entirely your fault.

And a lot of productivity coaches advise that if you can't achieve your goals you might need to adjust your expectations, but I say fuck that. I don't want to expect less of myself, I want to be angry that the body I was given can't keep up with the vision I have.

I want to be angry.

But honestly, I think I might be too tired even for that.

I debated whether to respond to this because I'm not a medical professional, I'm not a mental health professional, and I'm highly aware that everyone's mental health journey is individual and unique.

But this whole post feels like it was pulled from my head about fives years ago. Right before I was put in contact with the only therapist who has ever really helped me.

Thank you so much for the kind words and commiseration.

I think I've had this realization a good six times in the past two years and for some reason (possibly due to capitalism keeping me from ever catching a break) I keep forgetting and then having the same epiphany over again.

This time, at least, it's less "You're sick, you need rest, and you need to recognize you're going to randomly continue being sick."

And more "hey you know the thing you've struggled to work towards for over ten years? That's being held back because you're a sick person living under capitalism and can't catch a break. You've actually done a remarkable job all things considered."

But honestly, permission to just be tired is so flippin nice. I felt a relief from that that sank into my bones. Thank you.

so weird how in english some words are really just used in expressions and not otherwise… like has anyone said “havoc” when not using it in the phrase “wreaking havoc”? same goes for “wreaking” actually…

reply with more, i’m fascinated

these are called fossil words! here's a whole list

Also interested in words that originally had opposites but don’t anymore; i.e. how we say ruthless but not ruth.

You know, I think I missed the memo about these words being fossil words and that really explains why I have to spell it out for people when I frequently say several of these in nonidiomatic ways.

“surely this will not cause my chronic illness to flare up,” i say, actively doing something that has never failed to flare my chronic illness

Hike and beer combo.

me when the chronic pain is chronic and painful:

When you are alone and have a heart attack. What are you gonna do then?

Take a 2 minute break and read this:

Let's say it's 5:25 pm and you're driving home after an unusually hard day's work.

You are really tired and frustrated. All of a sudden your chest pains. They are starting to radiate in the arm and jaw. It feels like being stabbed in the chest and heart. You're only a few miles away from the nearest hospital or home.

Unfortunately you don't know if you can make it..

Maybe you've taken CPR training, but the person running the course hasn't told you how to help yourself.

How do you survive a heart attack when you're alone when it happens? A person who is feeling weak and whose heart is beating hard has only about 10 seconds before losing consciousness.

1. But you can help yourself by coughing repeatedly and very strongly! Deep breaths before every cough. Coughing should be repeated every second until you arrive at the hospital or until your heart starts to beat normally.

2. Deep breathing gives oxygen to your lungs and coughing movements boost the heart and blood circulation. Heart pressure also helps to restore a normal heartbeat. Here's how cardiac arrest victims can make it to the hospital for the right treatment

3. Cardiologists say if someone gets this message and passes it on to 10 people, we can expect to save at least one life.

4. FOR WOMEN: You should know that women have additional and different symptoms. Rarely have crushing chest pain or pain in the arms. Often have indigestion and tightness across the back at the bra line plus sudden fatigue.

Reblogging this, because it is helpful information, BUT, with a couple of additions and caveats. First, this:

And then this:

And yes, as you get older, these are things you actually start thinking about, and worrying about, so I always try to stay informed.

Important for younger people too!! I was in my 30's, sitting in a waiting room, feeling sorry for myself because I was the youngest person at the cardiologist's. Then a kid who couldn't have been more than 16 walked in....

One of the most dangerous mistakes people make about their health is believing that a health problem doesn't happen to people "their age".

Okay but what about a woman with chronic fatigue syndrome and bad heart burn? Because I'm losing my mind every other week playing the "is it heart burn and an anxiety attack, or is it actually a heart attack?"