holding on to our little moment, i’ll never forget it as long as i live.
vash the stampede x gn!reader
warnings: angst, takes place before the end of trigun stampede but may contain mild spoilers
notes: (the title is actually lyrics from stay with me (mayonaka no door) by miki matsubara. i thought it was a good fit for the fic.) i’m out to hurt my feelings with this one tonight y’all
Home was not a place to Vash the Stampede, it was a person.
No matter where he ran you were always right there beside him, and it was a fact he allowed himself to take solace in. But fear was an ever present nip at Vash’s heels—fear that he would run somewhere you couldn’t follow, fear that Nai would take you away from him too. So Vash made a compromise: you could stay, but you could never know. Because as long as you never knew that Vash loved you, no one could hurt you, right?
But you saw it differently. You saw it as Vash pushing you away every time you got too close, always keeping you at arm’s length. You guessed you were only ever meant to be a companion, something a little better at conversation than a dog. The pain of it stabbed at you if you thought about it too long; the exact same way that it did tonight.
You had set up your tent but couldn’t sleep, the pallet beside you as empty as ever. You’d been tossing and turning to no avail, always just as awake as you had been five minutes ago. You sighed and pulled on your jacket, shivering against the cold breeze that rolled through the tent when you opened the flap.
You could see Vash sitting on one of the small dunes nearby, staring off into the distance. You chewed at your lip. A question burned in the back of your mind, leaving behind footprints in the sand as it led you to where Vash sat. You eased yourself into the sand, dusting it off your hands as you settled into place.
“Do you even want me with you anymore?” You blurted out, watching Vash startle and scramble to refute your question.
“What? Of course not! Why would you ever think something like that, (Name)?”
“Every time I try to get to know you beyond the most basic information you always blow me off with some half assed answer.” You huff out a breath, pulling your knees up toward your chest. “You always introduce me to people as your friend, but I barely know you, Vash.”
Vash turned his gaze away from you, looking down at the hands that rested on his knees through the space between them. “You’re right. And I’m sorry for that. But…it’s for your own good.”
Tears pricked at your eyes. “For my own good?! Vash, we’ve been traveling together for over a year now! I’ve been shot at, stabbed, damn near blown up, and you think I can’t handle knowing something as simple as your last name?”
You were too mad for this to give you true pause, but it did cause a quizzical look to pass over your face. “I’d rather know you don’t want me around than to stay here and pretend like you do! You seem like you’d be much happier without me here, so just go ahead and tell me to leave!”
Vash kept on looking out into the distance, his turquoise eyes slowly shutting as he softly uttered, “I don’t deserve to be happy. And I shouldn’t be keeping you from being happy either.”
You felt as if you’d been gutted. All you could do was stare at Vash, swallowing back tears with all your might. “You….you can’t mean that.”
“It’s true. Because of me you’re going to have to leave too. I just…don’t want it to be because you got killed. I couldn’t live knowing I could’ve stopped it.”
Vash finally turned to look at you, his tears glittering like stars in the pale blue moonlight. “I can’t lose you, (Name). I…I love you.”
You couldn’t hold your tears back any longer. You sobbed into the silent night, the full impact of Vash’s words hitting you at once. You didn’t know what Vash was really running from, and you doubted you ever would, but you knew now more than ever that you were going to keep on running with him. As long as it took, as fast as your legs could carry you. You’d be there. And when the time came to finally face it, you’d be there too. You had to be. Because you loved Vash too, and no force on any planet could change that.
“I’ve been so scared of how things would end, I never really let them start,” Vash admitted, “but I can’t keep running forever. Not from this, at least.”
You reached over and took Vash’s hand in yours.
“I’m real sorry I put you through all of this. You didn’t deserve it.”
“Do you still want to keep going with me? I understand if you don’t.”
You shifted closer to Vash and rested your head on his shoulder, enveloping yourself in the scent of gunpowder and metal that always lingered on him. “I never want to leave you, Vash. Not if I can help it, at least.”
Vash leaned his head against yours, a soft smile stretching across his face. Maybe it was okay, letting you in. Maybe it would all blow up in his face someday, but he hoped you’d still make it out with him to the other side. He vowed then and there that he would always protect you, and that you would be the one thing Knives couldn’t take away.
“I was hoping you’d say that.”