zephyr-kahuna‌:

Hero hadn’t texted him once since leaving the Capitol, leaving him the dry but not-so-high. He was still fuming over it and how powerless he was to truly do anything about it. Kai’s finger scrolled him through a Capitol aquarium’s photo feed when Zephyr showed up out of the blue.

“Soup?” he asked, still feeling like it was a good food option even with the sun out. 

"hmh." he nodded softly not quiet meeting his eyes as he placed the tray down next to him on the bed Gingerly sitting on the edge of it. "pumpkin. The neighbour's had some in her garden an gave them to me." he couldn't quiet breathe freely in the room every little trinket of a part of their life suffocating him. "it's not quiet the season but it's still fine. Cordelia liked it." he began quietly to babble away not quiet finding the right words and trying to make up for it by saying everything else that came to his mind. 

"I know it's quiet warm outside, but I figured--soup can't hurt after all. It's always nice." his eyes kept fidgeting around from the bedsheets on his side of the bed and the wall. He couldn't quiet remember the last time he had slept properly in this bed. Each night he spent still on his side eyes wide open as he stared into the blank irrationally aware of his husband's presence unable to fall asleep until he stood up just to pace through the kitchen at night every worry present in his mind. "you should eat while it's still warm. I also added some creamer." 

In Sickness and In Health // Self Para

TW: Drug Use, Rape, Cheating 

@zephyr-kahuna

Caspian wanted no part in attending the Victory Ball and, despite Kai’s greater efforts, could not be convinced to board the train. Instead, he packed his fishnet bag, squeezed his cousin tightly around his waist, and marched across the beach to the Caulder’s to stay with River. His guardian whimpered like a puppy left alone for the first time as he watched him walk away so willingly and decisively. Half of his reasoning was selfish, as he wanted Caspian around to use as a crutch. He was the one person he hadn’t abandoned him until now. The other half came with the realization that his cousin was smart enough to call the shots for himself and one of the first decisions he made was to be away from his family. To be away from him.

The absent void spread from his chest to his stomach, then to the far reaches of each of his limbs. When the only unaffected part of him left was his head, Kai failed to utilize the organ that called it home. Witch’s hat titled to cover his eyes from other’s burning glares, he became lost amongst the crowd of commoners inhabiting the mansion. The chatter of some children talking about their summer plans dowsed him in extra anguish. Whatever Caspian was doing at that very moment, he would’ve rather been there with him than here having the time of his life. Wondering why the hell a group of ten-year-olds were planning a mock Hunger Games for a party theme, the man wandered further into more secluded rooms of Battenberg’s mansion. A glimmer of something vibrant yellow caused him to twist his head sideways, but there was nothing there by the time he refocused. 

The ripples of a headache threatened to turn his evening down a harsher path. He was certain the low light was the only factor keeping the pain from evolving into something greater. Passing calls of his name and squeals of glee hoping and failing to get his attention, he at last stumbled into a room down a hallway nearest to the action of the ball. It was halfway down the hall, hosted only a number of sofas and a coffee table, and was a place the man had been at every mandatory event since the 120th Mentor’s Ball. It was a room he doubted Battenberg ever ventured into herself. The sole yellow light in the center of the ceiling flickered, in desperate need of a change. The carpet floor was littered with crumbs, weird stains, and spots where unspeakable things had left crusty messes and stripped patches. Lights off, the walls glowed with some decorative neon wallpaper. The people sprawled across the floor must’ve already indulged themselves, as that was how the room looked now. Iridescent light flooding the floor and their faces filled with unnatural bliss. 

“I told Creedly you wouldn’t bail on us,” a familiar voice said to him from below, followed by a tugging of his pant leg. Kai glanced down, fighting off a throb angered by the movement. The lower half of Hero’s body was lifted onto the glass table, the other half pressed uncaringly into the carpet. From an incredible distance, he felt Zephyr’s personal bat signal light up. His husband hadn’t been shy in sharing how he felt about the sponsor and, if he could see how scantily he was dressed now, he would yank Kai from the room if he could. A see-through sweater, skin-tight shorts, and what looked to be a fake temporary tattoo of a black cat on his neck. “Next round guys and girls, clear the surface.” Hero took his own orders, carelessly throwing a couple of full cups of the coffee table and onto the floor, replacing them with thin white lines every few inches.  “Kahuna, these ones are ours,” he added with a smirk. “Managed to get my hands on something with a little more kick.”

Kai couldn’t imagine how much more kick the new stuff had that everything he’d absorbed before didn’t have, but nothing overshadowed his desire to place as much distance between him and his shit existence. His nostrils were soon caked with the stuff, elation flying him of the ground and towards the night sky. The room was crammed with more bodies than the architect prepped it for, over a dozen dancing and mingling to music playing from outside the walls. In the darkness, he couldn’t tell where his torso ended and another person began. Looking towards the ground proved no help either, as any of the feet, barefoot or otherwise, could have been his in the purposeful chaos. He was so thrilled to be there. So happy he wasn’t outside at the ball with the other mentors and sponsors trailing his every move. Relieved Zephyr probably couldn’t ever find him even if he wanted to. So above and beyond joy that he couldn’t stop his thoughts from wondering if it was all too good to be true. Feeling someone else’s skin on his neck, he remembered Caspian back home in Four. His eyes wanted to well up, but it may have been impossible under the influence of such mind-altering substances. 

Things began to blur together around him. Not simply the people, but the way they moved about. Their silhouettes doubled up, tripled up, until the room was at one-hundred times to population it had been. The music played in his ears like someone slowed it down, the beat of it unchanged and the contrast making him slightly nauseous. The colors returned again, taking the shapes of flowers like they alway did. He desperately wanted to feud with them, but the voice of the forever twelve-year-old Juniper keep him from charging them with fists posed. They too continued to increase in number and take control of the room. He didn’t know when, but he ended up on one of the couches, a blue vine daring to tickle his right hand. Someone was talking to him. It sounded like nothing more than like how anyone sounded under water. A mass of sound hitting his ears without any chance of being understood. Luckily his eyes allowed for him to see it was Hero. The sponsor wasn’t leading the pack of druggies like he normally did, instead sitting adjacent to the mentor and laughing about something that looked to be hilarious. Kai’s chin weighed heavily on the edge of the sofa. He spaced out, staring at the crack of the door leading to the brighter hallway just outside. His body grew heavier like ones does after a big meal and he knew getting up wasn’t in his realm of near-future possibilities. A sensation brushed across his middle and he raised his arm to rid himself of what he thought was a flowery vine, but was actually a dark-skinned hand.

When he stared forward, the anchor weighing him down was the weight of the sponsor sitting comfortably on his lap. Hero’s face was buried in his chest, his hands the tingling sensation running over his being. Somehow between glancing towards the outside and returning, his shirt had been ripped off and lay unwearable on the nasty floor. He could hear his friend’s breath at a loud volume, more and more as he drew closer to his face and bit at his face. Kai looked to others in the room for something, help or attention at the very least, but received nothing. Though his thoughts had been slow to alert him, he recognized what was happening. It was wrong…wasn’t it? He blinked over and over again to see if the scene would change. It wasn’t unlike him to have hallucinations about things that weren’t happening. A dozen blinks later and nothing had changed except for the exposure of his lower half to the chill of the room once Hero had unbuttoned his pants. The sponsor keep saying words that would continue going unheard. He pulled at Kai’s hair and pressed their faces together, the paralysis of the cocaine’s “kick” keeping him from acting. Soon completely unclothed, his heart raced alarmingly fast. The door beside him looked like it creaked open. The couch beneath him started to swallow him whole. The people in the room either ignored him or passed out in their own celebration, but either way, he’d never felt more alone. Hero’s body against his own singed with heat. Their sweat mixed together first, then their saliva as the sponsor finally became bold enough to press their mouths against each other. Kai’s held his hands together against the sponsor’s back. His senses all activated made the experience both more terrifying and impossible not to enjoy. Hero’s face shifted back and forth between being his own and being Dusty’s, but either way, the panic with which he began was slowly leaked out in the fluids fleeing his body. The high of feeling loved was an addiction he couldn’t ever fight off either, the high of which the people he was supposed to get it from missing from his life for far too long. He liked whatever Hero was whispering in his ears. His body was still unable to reciprocate, frozen in what was the worst assault on his humanity since he’d been responsible for the death of five other teenagers. His body still didn’t want it to stop, not until the love and acceptance he’d been denied was made up for. His body refused to listen to his soul, which weeped for his compliance in it all. Lastly, his body did something his husband couldn’t know about and what he’d never forgive himself for. 

It kissed back. 

As the night was drawing to a close a feeling began to settle in Zephyr’s gut that he couldn’t describe.  He could feel it though- tugging at his heart strings, sending anxious jitters up his neck and down his back. For the first time during the ball he was glad to have been persuaded by Marina to leave Cordelia on the fourth floor with an avox so that he could have a night off.

Still there was something telling him that they need to leave now, his nerves too fidgety to bear another minute of this crowded room. Almost frightened he searched through the room, gaze locking onto every person that had the right height to be his husband only to be disappointed when it was not Kai. Black hats seemed to merge into one dark, thick mass ready to drown him completely as he made his way over  to the side corridors to rooms he had promised himself to never visit knowing what he could find had the power to break him. The light now dimmed into a dark, muddy yellow his eyes had to adjust for a bit, sounds of muffled, euphoric giggles reached his ears that sounded too bright to be real.

Each step he took seemed to drain him of his energy, each door he began to open on random let his heart skip, torn between panic at still not having found Kai and relief of not having found him there. Everything was too much. All of his senses were awake and tingling; his hands were too sweaty, his breath too quick, the noise around him too loud, the light all of sudden too bright. He needed to get out of the mansion. Still- he couldn’t leave without Kai. At least not without looking for him everywhere he could think of.

He had almost close to giving up and returning to the ballroom; perhaps he could find him with marina or Glitter, perhaps he wasn’t even in these rooms, when the faintest sounds of moans that seemed just too familiar for comfort, hit his ears sending his entrails twisting together so tightly it hurt. For moments he stood frozen in the spot unable to think, to move, to do anything but stare straight ahead praying that he had misheard it. Yet the groans only grew louder with every passing second until it was all he could hear. His breath quickened while he couldn’t muster up the energy to stop his mind from wandering dangerous places. It felt like an invisible force, at last that was pulling him forwards to the source of the noise.

The door creaked as he opened it slowly his head still spinning at the possibility of a sight he had once deemed impossible. A cold hand seemed to have wrapped itself around his heart closing its fist tighter with each millimetre the wood moved.

It couldn’t be- it couldn’t be- it just couldn’t be.

There was no way Kai would ever do that to him no matter the circumstances. Kai loved him- he wouldn’t leave him. Never. He loved him- he loved him- he lov-

The first thing he saw was the ring, a flicker of light catching onto it leaving it to sparkle in the dark. A ring he knew all too well, one he had picked out himself, one that he was wearing the exact replication of. One he had given to the man he had vowed to love forever. One whose owner was clawing into the naked back on top of him.

Once again Zephyr was forced to watch motionlessly his muscles not obeying to his mind that screamed at him to disrupt them, to yell, to scream, to run, to do anything but just stand there eyes wide open and watch them. Yet- he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the moving limbs, small droplets of sweat running down heated skin, hands clinging onto the other body like a bizarre dance. Every repressed moan was like a punch to his stomach that seemed to knock every bit of air out of his lungs. It was only when the door thumbed against the wall having slipped out of Zephyrs ice cold fingers, and elicted the softest of sounds that time seemed to have stopped slowing down as everything rushed back to normal speed as the man that was currently sleeping with his husband turned around giving him a lazy smile that would haunt Zephyr in his dreams years later.

“Everybody out. Immediately!” The voice that rose through the static noise in his head was cold and cutting. It took him moments to realise that it was his own the tone so unfamiliar out of his own mouth. The bodies on the floor rose, clearly confused and ever so slowly. “Now!” he yelled at them even more commanding than before which caused them to scurry away most of them abandoning previously discarded clothes.

“You too-“ his voice showed first signs of wavering as he addressed Hero directly who had made no move to roll away, to let go of Kai who simply lay thre clearly spent and oblivious to the word: “Get off of him!” At first all his words earned him was joyful laughter and Zephyr could feel his insides weep with every moment he stayed there touching places he had been so sure of never being touched by anyone but himself ever again.

At long last he rolled off of Kai, slowly, lasciviously as if he had every right in the world to be there. Zephyr brushed past hi, as he picked up a long coat from the ground unable to look at either, Hero nor Kai.

“Stay away from my family. Forever.” Somehow he guesses he had always known that they would end up there, ever since he had first met him. Ever since he had found that this was the man Kai was sneaking off to. Yet- it didn’t make the hurt any less.

“You can tell me that, but him…” The sponsor’s voice was smug as he spoke and Zephyr couldn’t help, but turn around to him watching the man stand there, pants barely on again looking Zephyr straight into the eyes, unashamed, accomplished as if he had just won the lottery.

“he was so nice today. You should have seen him, whimpering, pushing into my touch. He could barely even talk only managing to squeeze out my name in a whisper, over and over again. He was so willing, such a good boy. So willing to take it up his-“

All Zephyr could see and he did something he would have never thought he would do. His fist shot out so fast he didn’t even realise it himself, connecting itself to Hero’s face with such a force he could feel bones crack and smell blood in the air.

“I don’t want to see you ever again.” Breathing heavily he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror hanging on the wall. He could see the despair and anger in his eyes, the way he seemed to have sunken into himself as if he had shrunk three sizes, but most of all for the first time in his life he didn’t see himself anymore. He saw his father and perhaps that was what scared him the most. It took all his willpower to tear himself away from the mirror to return to the present.  

His breathing had yet to calm as he moved over to the sofa, the stranger’s coat in his arms. The material shook as he glanced down at his husbands form unable to look at him any longer. He covered him blindly wrapping up the familiar muscles in a stranger’s cloth as if he was burying a secret: “We are going home Kai.” Everywhere where he touched him seemed to burn, the arms that used to be so comforting around his shoulder now weighing down like scalding iron, the head he used to love having resting on his shoulder now banging against it uncomfortably, but he couldn’t let go. He was his husband, in sickness and in health.

Years later Zephyr wouldn’t be able to remember how they had gotten to the tower. He wouldn’t be able to bear the memories of how he had to carry him out of the back door, Kai too gone to even recognize him anymore. He wouldn’t be able to tell you how they had left the mansion, leaving behind a room full of illegal drugs and a knocked out sponsor that still seemed to have a victory grin lingering on his blood covered lips. He wouldn’t be able to remember how he had sat in the car as far away from kai as possible because he couldn’t stand his touch any longer, unsure of what the future would hold.

Yet- he would never be able to forget the rest of the night. An empty tower greeted them, most inhabitants still at the mansion. Their footsteps echoed across the hallway following them into the elevator. Silence hummed through the air as Zephyr kept looking straight ahead knowing he would loose it if he dared to glance anywhere else. Kai’s weight who had dosed off long ago lay heavily on his shoulder almost crushing him with every step. He didn’t know how he had managed to do it in the end, but somehow he managed to place him down in the bed that had once been theirs, but he had grown accustomed to sleeping in alone.

The only source of lights was the moonlight peeking in through almost closed blinds, but even so he could still make out the rows of family pictures that all of sudden seemed like they didn’t belong there. Slowly he began to take the coat off of Kai and busy himself instead by putting some boxers on him not willing to look at him naked any longer. Not willing to be forced to imagine just what exactly had happened even though he had seen enough of it to know.

Even in the dim light he could see the dark bruises already blossoming against kai’s skin each mark like a tiny needle prodding his very being; like a remembrance of his failure as his friend, his partner, his husband. Every red mark that resembled a finger print reminded him of the way he failed at being the one person Kai could turn to. His fingers ghosted over the skin, afraid to touch him. Afraid of accepting the reality of what had happened. Afraid of admitting it to himself. Every tiny scratch left by fingernails reminded him of the man his husband had chosen to go to instead and every little bite mark reminded him of how he had just let it happen, because he hadn’t been strong enough to confront him. He just sat there and stared at him as if he was an outsider. As if this was not the man he had married years ago. He looked and for a moment he couldn’t quiet decide who of the both of them was more broken. Unable to look at him anymore he pulled the blanket up around his body covering the exposed skin and marks.

Closing the door to the bedroom his fingers burned. Blood crusted his knuckles, but Zephyr was unable to tell whose it was. His gaze was fixed on the ring around his finger now stained with almost dried blood. With shaking hands he moved over to the sink letting it heat up until he could see steam rise in the air before sticking his hand under the scolding water not even flinching at the head. He needed to get that blood off. The water ran down his hands in scarlet stream, but he couldn’t see his ring anymore. He needed to get the blood off, the red staining it as if it was meant to taunt him. Scrubbing and scrubbing he began to reopen the tear he had gotten himself catching onto one of Hero’s earring. He needed to get the blood off. He needed for it to be gone. His hands were turning rosy once he finally peeled off the small piece of jewelry fingers shaking so bad he couldn’t make out the spot anymore nor the small engraving on the inside although he knew it by heart. The ring although worn and rundown already was full of love and promises of a life that now seemed so empty. It was full of laughter and hope for a happy future. Images flooded into his mind of a hand closening in on a shoulder as they moved up and down, of a ring glistening in the dark where it held no value anymore, of noises he knew so very well now forever tainted, blurrying together with memories of laughter and soft kisses. Of sweet nothings whispered into his ears only for him to hear and now. Of nights being hold close to a warm chest and feeling invincible. All of this blurred together in his mind until he didn’t know what was reality anymore. Because it hadn’t been him. It hadn’t been him who he had talked to late in the evening. It hadn’t been him who Kai had gone to anymore when he had been hurting. It hadn’t been him who had undressed him that evening. It hadn’t been him who had kissed his lips. It hadn’t been him who had been hold so tightly. It hadn’t been him, it hadn’t been him.

Cries began to rise from another room. Cries that Zephyr knew meant he should go and pick Cordelia up. Cries that he knew he needed to tend to, but he didn’t have the energy anymore. His ring- their ring felt onto the floor with a silent noise as the tears began to roll down his cheeks followed by sobs that were overpowered by his daughter’s, who he couldn’t help any more than he could help himself, while his knees buckled beneath him bringing him down to the floor. Everything around him was spinning and all he could see were hands on thighs that didn’t belong there. All he could hear were moans given to a person that didn’t deserve them. All he could feel was that door slipping from his grasp while it felt like his heart was being ripped out and squashed completely. Reality sunk in as the escort sat on the cold kitchen floor, sobs shaking his body as he let that hollow feeling sink in for the first time of the night. He didn’t know how they had gotten to this point. Didn’t know how this night had ended like this. All he knew was that he might just have lost the love of his life. That at last destiny was coming back for him taking what she had granted him. That it was time for the dream to end. His world was crumbling down and there was nothing he could do. Because it hadn’t been him. It hadn’t been him. It hadn’t been him.

And Kai had enjoyed it.  

Charity couldn’t have been happier in that moment. It was easy to distinguish the girl who’d been insistent on wearing a crown and not a gaudy hat, though she did have to admit she quite liked the designs of some. It was a wonderfully happy evening, so beautiful and elegant it was easy to forget all that happened to bring her here. In the past three months, there’d been so many moments of triumph and joy she believed it’d all been worth it. Resting a hand on her stomach that was noticeable under her elegant dress (which she’d helped design, yet another victory), Charity finally settled down into a chair and let out a satisfied sigh. “It’s been quite a night!” she exclaimed to the other at the table.

"I hope you have enjoyed it." Zephyr offered gently only having had the chance now to talk to the newest Victor. "the victory ball is always a special time for you guys." it was the first taste of the many dreadful years to come so he hoped that these kids would enjoy these early stages as long as possible.

Charity couldn’t have been happier in that moment. It was easy to distinguish the girl who’d been insistent on wearing a crown and not a gaudy hat, though she did have to admit she quite liked the designs of some. It was a wonderfully happy evening, so beautiful and elegant it was easy to forget all that happened to bring her here. In the past three months, there’d been so many moments of triumph and joy she believed it’d all been worth it. Resting a hand on her stomach that was noticeable under her elegant dress (which she’d helped design, yet another victory), Charity finally settled down into a chair and let out a satisfied sigh. “It’s been quite a night!” she exclaimed to the other at the table.

"I hope you have enjoyed it." Zephyr offered gently only having had the chance now to talk to the newest Victor. "the victory ball is always a special time for you guys." it was the first taste of the many dreadful years to come so he hoped that these kids would enjoy these early stages as long as possible.

zephyr-kahuna‌:

Trixanna eyed her daughter, smiling softly at Zephyr. Not everyone would be so easy to brush it off, she knew. “I fine.” Val responded, still not great with grammar, looking up at her mother and then the man. “I didn’t mean to. I just tripped.” Trixie would admit, it wasn’t every day her daughter went anywhere in a ballgown. It was also possibly what saved her from hurting herself. “And that’s why we don’t run, Val.” Trixie admonished lightly. 

"I know you didn't mean to. I am just glad you didn't get hurt." he looked at the young girl in her ballroom attired and couldn't help the small fond smile imagining his own daughter in a few years. "but your mother is right. Running through very crowded rooms can be very difficult."

“Valkaryie Alaina Quartz!” The elder Quartz female snapped after her daughter as she ran off through the crowds of sponsors, victors and other ball goers. “I did not allow you to come and skip school just for you to act up.” She huffed as she slipped through the crowds after the six year old. When she finally found her daughter it was on the floor in front of someone else, having clearly run into them. “I am so sorry.” Trixie apologized to the person, leaning down to quickly help her daughter stand and dust her off, she offered the other a sincere smile.

"it's quiet alright." Zephyr laughed shaking his head good-hearted ly. "sometimes kids just need to be wild. I hope you are alright though young lady?" raising an eyebrow he beat down a little to look into the younger girls eye. "that was quiet a dramatic fall you took."

Lines seemed to dart across everything, as far as what the most capable version of himself knew. Lines of white blurred into the table they were separated onto, a line from today hardly distinguishable from the line from the day before or last week. A line between his responsibilities as a parent and his ability to perform them was expanding wildly and he couldn’t remember exactly if Cordelia already knew how to walk or if he was seeing her do it for the first time. He crossed boundary and relationship lines on a regular basis. Abusing his power as a victor to get what he wanted, whenever he wanted. He abandoned the people who cared about him in exchange for people he could barely count on to pull him from the gutter if he happened to stumble into it. The last line blurred between the face of his husband who still made his heart flutter when he thought about him and the face of the man who injected his life with blissful apathy he’d forgotten existed. The last line concerned him most when his train of thought allowed for worry.

He didn’t know if Skye was dead or alive or what, but Kai stopped caring long before he realized he had. Instead of tuning into the Games, the mentor planted his butt on his sofa and watched mindless television. Eyes weighed down by gray-ish bags, he wouldn’t notice if a elephant walked in, much less another person. 

For the past few weeks Zephyr had begun to find it difficult to breathe, as if the heavy tension somehow ended up in his lungs making his body ache with every intake of air. It felt like he was loosing him and he had no idea how to react to it. Most nights he could wait up in the dark after putting their daughter to bed and hope to hear him tumble onto the floor and crash on the couch torn in between wanting to cry out of despair and relief that he hadn’t yet died out on the streets.

Tonight had been no different.He didn’t quiet know how many minutes he had sat in the room that used to be their bedroom, but now merely felt like an empty space, all lights turned off listening to the soft sound of the television int he other room running until he had gathered the energy to heave himself up and check on Kai a part of him hoping to find him asleep so he would only have to tuck him in. “kai?”