Me when I have to kill my best friend because I'm bored😢

amnesia protagonists my beloved

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more da bunky ramblings

I do not know where I found the strength to carry him. But carry him I did.

Ok so it's canon that Klavier mentally age regresses around Kristoph. It obviously wasn't the writers entire intent, but it is the type of abuse Kristoph uses on Klavier in this context. I know because I am a victim of it as well.

You see him shrink in on himself when he panics about something - he hits walls with his fists like a frustrated child and holds his head. He even starts begging.

When he was 17 he immediately jumped to his age as his defense when he realized oh no, I messed up, this isn't what Kristoph wanted me to say. I need to fix this or else. You see him going quiet any time Kristoph throws a backhanded comment during the misham case - oh, older brother is talking, time for me to be quiet.

The panic and silence from Klavier's end is involuntary, because he tries to bite back and he hates how he's feeling. You see him have a panic attack when he realizes that everything he knew was a lie.

I think the most tragic part is that Kristoph knows it only takes one degrading comment like that to get Klavier to stop talking, and regress back to feeling small and powerless. Klavier only breaks out of it because Apollo is there to ground him. Kristoph calls it control that Klavier is spiraling out of, and it is, but more specifically he's using trigger terms that sound simply rude around others, but they are heavy enough to knock Klavier down immediately. Because Klavier has had these threats and comments weighing him down gradually throughout his entire life. And now, during his weakest and most vulnerable moment, they've never hit him harder.

We've seen how these comments affected Apollo's self esteem. Imagine what Klavier had to deal with all of his life. He's stuck in a loop of being that younger brother forever - he never had a chance to grow up. He knows he can't live up to Kristoph, and puts a mask on to be the adult rockstar. What's underneath it all?

A scared teenager.

We make it out of this hell together.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

huh who left those in there hrm

A small sketch about V and Kerry reencounter in 2079

Maybe I'll paint later, just... maybe

thinking about how. deeply at his core jack can never stop loving ever ever ever and how much endless love he has for anyone hes ever cared about. how jack can't ever stop forgiving everyone. the doctor abandons him and tells him so and runs away from him and tells him hes wrong and shouldnt exist. and jack waits nearly 150 years to find him again and he defends him from the futurekind and pulls him back from falling into the belly of the ship and breaks her out of prison and bails them out with the vortex manipulator and gets killed a billion times to save him and comes back again and again. gwen hits him owen hits him ianto hits him and much worse. and he forgives gwen. and he forgives owen. and he forgives ianto. the way he says "i missed you" to gwen at the beginning of immortal sins. the way the face of boe tells the doctor that he isnt alone.

“Can't help wonderin' if I can still call you my friend...” “‘Course you can. Got my blessing. Been in your head some time, V. Know you well enough that it ain't even a question.”

CYBERPUNK 2077: PHANTOM LIBERTY (2023)

You know what? That one line from that Phantom Liberty ending where V can call Johnny a "big ol' softie"? They're right. They're absolutely right.

Johnny is a softie. He goofs off on multiple occasions in V's field of view despite knowing that nobody can see him, probably to his own and V's amusement. He screams on the rollercoaster and grins like crazy at V. He adores Nibbles. He wanted to check on Kerry when he heard that he was suicidal. He finally took Rogue on that car cinema date and can flirt with her in a goofy way straight out of his favorite "Bushido" movies. He has fun on the reunion concert and gives Kerry his DeLuze Orphean as a goodbye gift. He narrates that one quest like a noir narrator just to mess with V. He understands Barry's grief over his tortoise. He's respectful when watching Joshua's crucifiction. He's nice to Spider Murphy and calls her "Spider". He sheepishly apologizes to Alt in "The Sun" ending. He puffs up his chest when Denny says she misses him. He's fuming over the kids in "Talent Academy" being treated like products, probably because it reminds him of how he was treated in the military. He feels for Solomon Reed because he sees himself in him. He feels for Songbird because her circumstances remind him of V's.

And speaking of, he really loves V. He just loves them so much; He's always on watch for any danger and does his best to give them advice. He promises that he will do everything he can to cure them. He will encourage them to take a break if they're feeling sick. He will attempt the most dangerous stunts to get them to Mikoshi. He promises V to let them wipe him from the Relic and he keeps that promise. He will realize that they're his only loved one left and will ask for the last chance, and when he gets it he does everything he can to make them proud and happy. He accepts their decision no matter what it is, because it's their body and life. His worst fear is getting to live again, but without his friend/partner/soulmate/beloved (depending on interpretation) with him. He's proud to be able to call himself V's friend. He's proud of them. He's sad that he won't be able to see how V will change. He choses to stay calm and positive before he will be innevitably killed so that his beloved V will live to keep them calm and comfort them.

That whole hardass, asshole act? It's a ruse, it's a front, it's a persona he had to put on due to bad childhood, PTSD from being drafted as a teenager, seeing other teenagers die horribly around him, losing his limb and being branded with the Arasaka logo he did his best to scratch out and being tossed into a rockstar life of drinking, drugs and fans when he was likely not much older.

He might fight it, but he will never be the detached, emotionless action hero he wants to be, because that's not at all who he is! I think that his slight grin when V says it is one of relief, that he was able to show his most vulnerable, tender and gentle side to the one person he holds dear and not be punished for it, playfully teased but with clear sympathy on V's part. After decades of struggle with who he is being so different from who he wants to be, he can finally be seen for who he is, and who he would be if his life went oh so differently.

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.