hyuck

Apples are so fucked up you can get two from the same pile ans one tastes more like an apple than anything youve ever eaten and the other tastes like water poisoned by pharaohs

i feel bad for bigender people, the commute between Jupiter and college has got to be rough

[CAN I HAVE FRENCH FRY]

the downside to harassing a cat constantly is that you run out of ways to bother them. so sure she's "well socialized" but how am i supposed to get revenge when she is being SO so annoying?

she enjoys this. what is left?

Y’all need to stop with this “actors can only play characters that match their identity categories down to their astrological sign” shit cause there’s still some straight actors I wanna see take dick

Rice Krispies smartest decision is by far their Treat. Turning their cereal into a strange brick relies on the natural fact that all children are hopelessly dependent upon the ingot.

guy who is definitely not about to fall into a surprise midday nap with an aftermath worse than a hangover: it seems like a really good idea to lay in bed and get cozy under the blanket as part of my plan not to fall asleep. I do not know why.

“Nobody’s going to want to sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours to get from New York City to LA.”

Me. I will sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours. I’ll sit on it for days. I’ll write and read and nap and eat and then do it all over again. I’ll stare out the windows and see America from ground level and not have to drive. I’ll see the Rockies and the deserts and cornfields and the Mississippi River and your house and yours and yours too. I’ll make up stories in my head about the small towns I see as we go along. I’ll see the states I’ve yet to see because driving or flying there is a fucking slog and expensive to boot. I’ll enjoy the ride as much as the destination. And then I’ll do it all over again to come the fuck home.

When I'm a pastor and I open my eyes and the rapture happened when I was giving my sermon

finding it really hard to believe that this person has ever smoked a cigarette before

this would have got 100k notes as a tumblr post in 2018

lol nice outfit loser *puts phone up to ear* huh…? what? oh um- okay. anyway 1828 called. they said they found something really really scary in goya’s house

being paranoid is funny bc like well what if i'm right

we all have our own crosses to bear. for example. sometimes i enjoy a panic at the disco song

Dear professor this assignment did not nourish my fundamentally curious soul so i did not do it No penalty full 100 points please Goodbye!