Literally the first thought I had was käänteiskentauri
Today, on this fateful day in sex ed, I have to teach 25 9th graders how to put condoms on wooden dicks without losing my composure. Wish me luck lmao
Now to find a way to discreetly transport this entire drawer to the other side of the building...
Today went well overall. Lots of great conversations took place alongside some... very silly ones lmao.
Here are some highlights from this morning’s lesson:
Me: *removes the wooden dicks from my bag and slaps them on the table*
Students collectively: o_O
That one student: nice
—
Me: *demonstrating how to put on a condom*
Also me: *puts it on wrong the first time, even though I practiced twice beforehand* So everyone, here we see what not to do. Let’s try that again
—
Me: *finished demonstration, holding a sheathed wooden dick* so what questions do we have about condoms before I unleash you all to practice on the models?
Student: *raises hand* yeah, I’m wondering how you’re feeling about your life choices up until this point?
Me: o-o
—
Student 1: *raises hand* miss, why are the condoms so... slimy?
Me: thats lubricant, it helps get rid of friction that might cause discomfort during intercourse.
Student 2: *raises hand* can you use lube on a slip and slide?
Me: *genuinely considering the possibility*
—
*during a conversation about excuses people have heard for not wearing condoms*
Student 1: I had a guy tell me he was too big to fit in a condom
Me: *opens a condom, puts entire forearm inside and pulls it up to my elbow* here’s why that’s not true
Student 2: I once saw a video of somebody that put an entire watermelon in a condom before, so unless that dude’s got a watermelon shlong, that’s cap.
Me: *slowly losing composure behind my mask* you have the right idea, but let’s refrain from using the word ‘shlong’ in class, please.
—
Me: what are some ideas of things we can say to people who try to pressure you into having unprotected sex?
Student 1: tell them you don’t want their penis cooties!!
Student 2: penis cooties? Pretty sure that’s just herpes
Me, internally: like... you’re not wrong
—
Me: alright everyone, time to return the wooden models up front. Remove the condoms by firmly grasping the base of the model and sliding it off. Don’t forget to throw it away please!
Student 1: FIRMLY GRASP IT
Student 2: idk if I can return it now, miss. I’ve become attached to mine(the wooden dick)
Student 3: yeah, most men are
Me: *trying to keep a straight face*
—
Student 1: miss, why are the wooden dicks so shiny when you take the condom off
Me: oh, that’s just the lubricant from the condom.
Student 2: so you know you put the condom on right if your dick is shiny after?
Student 3: yeah! If your dick is shiny, you’re doing it right
Me: *trying to keep my composure pt. 36716159* uh, yeah that’s not necessarily the case. You see, these models are wooden. Penises are not.
Student 3: then why is it called morning wood?
Me: *internally self destructs*
—
Me: *casually wiping off the lube from wooden dicks w/ a paper towel before returning them to my bag* so what questions do we have about the use of contraception?
Student: miss can you please not make eye contact with us while you do that?
This was like my “revisit” to on old tegaki where I drew (not all) but a chunk of the ff4 crew. Now that I actually beat the game lol I wanted to do it again.
Better get my mom roe posts in now before she disappears to be a bunbunboy
Ralph Breaks the Internet is already a horrible movie but I just can’t begin to imagine how bad it will age
Imagine 30 years from now having to explain to people that Disney was trying to do something DARING by exploring Internet World so they made an “emotional” scene where the main character reads mean comments about him by people who dont even know he’s a sentient creature and just consider him a dumb video game meme
This is so fucking innacurate bc if ralph were real people on twitter wouldnt be hateposting about him theyd be drawing his cock
Full credit to the creator @ ThePandaRedd on TikTok who actually made this video (if he contacts me to take this down I will) but I couldn’t just not post yet another golden video of his after watching it...
Just in case people didn’t believe that it was a real scene...
I agree that tumblr is objectively the best social media right now but we CANNOT let this go to our heads. If we act like this site is anything more than trash our hubris will lead to tragedy
Meanwhile, on Twitter:
Wait but pissvortex is a popular tumblr blogger. Why are they bitching about us saying shit about twitter
Class traitor
Two faced vortex more like it
what’s that noise
*hands you a cow* *hands you a cow* *hands y
Zacharyiswackary on Instagram.