I like to make parks and rec references

More Dimitri! :D

I hate this time in the Eurovision season when the national finals are all over and the songs have all been released but the pre-Eurovision concerts or rehearsals haven’t begun yet. So there’s no new content even though there could be. Stop killing me with this suspense! I can’t wait any longer!

it’s sometimes hard to believe rasputin was real. like there’s no non-fucked up part of rasputin’s existence

did he do something problematic i thought he was just russia’s greatest love machine

basic (true) story: fanatical russian monk who has almost never shaved or washed and smells like goats shows up at the russian capital with a creepy look on his beardy face and everyone just assumes he’s a prophet or a saint because he’s got a cult following that believes he can cure illnesses. his stans are sexually obsessed with him and he gets just a fuckton of russian pussy wherever he goes cause apparently he can cure his true believers of illness with god-given dick magic. russia’s queen has him come stay at the palace and sets him up in luxury because she thinks he can cure her son’s haemophilia with the power of russian goat jesus, and they (allegedly) become lovers, probably, ‘cause she craves that unwashed goat-scented dick like the rest of his cult which she now  (allegedly) belongs to. 

then the worst assassins in the history of assassinations try to assassinate him, because all of russia is slutshaming the queen he has too much power over the royal family and it’s helping revolutionaries turn people against the royals. so these idiots have him round for tea and cakes which are poisoned with cyanide, but he is magically unaffected by poison they get the dose wrong and he doesn’t die, and then he drinks three glasses of wine, which are also poisoned, and he doesn’t die, so they tell him to look at a crucifix and shoot him in the chest with a revolver when he isn’t looking, and he doesn’t die, but they think he’s dead so one of them dresses in his clothes and gets driven to his apartment to make it look like he’s gone home to hide the crime, and when they come back he gets up and attacks them, so they stab him in the side with a knife, and he doesn’t die, and then he frees himself and runs outside, so they shoot him a few times more, including in the forehead, and they wrap his body up and chuck him in the icy river, and he doesn’t go into the water, so his body is found on the ice the next day. and get this…. he died…. of hypothermia.

additionally, everyone who wasnt in the party of getting rid of rasputin was pretty bummed out when they found him and his miracle dick dead the next day and there was a pretty bangin funeral of which the royal family themselves attended. however after the tsar was overthrown a few month later they exhumed his body and burned it because the new leadership was very adamant about making sure there were no ties left to honor the old monarchy. however this dudes body had never been properly prepped for a cremation which meant that under the extreme heat his tendons and ligaments began to retract and shrink causing his dead body to move and twitch around as if still animate. according to some testimony his body actually sat up straight on the pyre, and at least one spectator fired a gun at the body and another may have allegedly died of shock.

Rasputin was an old god from times before humans

He is like a cleric gone wild

“did rasputin do something problematic” i am going to die

If Eurovision 2019 artists had their own YouTube channels (1/?)

pour one tf OUT for that kid who egged that racist australian senator

pour ANOTHER ONE out!!!!!

IMAGINE: miki núñez pointing you out in a police line-up for pickpocketing his wallet at domino’s pizza 😍😍😍

when mom says lights out at 9:30 but you stay on your phone until 10:30

every time smh

When i was 10, I sent a letter to Lemony Snicket. I didn’t receive a personal reply, but I got one of these. 7 years later I realized that there’s a message

ABORT MISSION

This is fucking scary

I dont get it..

@explainingthejoke

The images are of a reply from Lemony Snicket, an author known for his A Series of Unfortunate Events, a book series aimed at older children. The reply is written in the voice of his narrator character. The narrator shares his pen name and frequently writes in vague references to the reader, who is included in the mystery as the correspondent to whom Lemony Snicket is sending his information.

The reply is titled “via VERY FAST DELIVERY.” The letters V.F.D. play a big part in the series. The note reads:

Several letters from this note are deliberately missing. If the reader wrote down each letter that was missing, they would spell out: OLAF NEARBY

Count Olaf is the major villain in the series. Lemony Snicket is writing in code, suggesting that he can’t be candid because Olaf may be observing him or the reader. Creepy!

This isn’t a joke. It is just cute.

Dear reader, I sincerely hope you don’t have a sizable family fortune lying about.

I won’t be watching the Bundy Tapes on Netflix.

Instead I will be reading and thinking about Ted Bundy’s victims. I wonder where their movies are. I wonder why their names aren’t raised.

I wonder why we don’t hear about Lynda Ann Healy, a 21 year old psychology major about to graduate that semester. Lynda worked with handicapped children and got up early every day to report on the skiing conditions for local radio.

I wonder why we don’t hear about Debra Kent, a 17 year old aspiring social worker who was known for always having change to feed parking meters for strangers.

I wonder why we don’t hear about Susan Curtis. Susan was only 15 years old and was riding her bike to church that day. She was a star on her high school track team.

In a world filled with kind, beautiful people, I wonder why we all know Ted Bundy’s name. I wonder if that isn’t giving him and people like him exactly what he wanted. And frankly I’m sick of hearing people talk about him.

I’d like to talk about 12 year olds Lynette Culver and Kimberly Leach, neither of whom turned 13 because Ted Bundy stole their innocence and their lives from them. Kimberly had just been elected first runner up “Valentine Queen” by her peers and never got to wear that pretty new dress. Do you think her parents still have that dress, hanging in the back of a closet? I bet they do. I bet her dad sits with it in his darkest moments. You ever thought about him when you hear the name Ted Bundy?

Let’s talk about 19 year old Susan Rancourt, who had a 4.0 GPA. 17 year old Laura Aime. 18 year old Georgeann Hawkins. 23 year old Janice Ott. 26 year old Nancy Wilcox. 23 year old Caryn Campbell. 17 year old Melissa Smith. 19 year old Donna Manson, who was an excellent flute player and by all accounts a bit of a goth. 20 year old Kathy Parks. 22 year old Brenda Ball. 20 year old Lisa Levy. 21 year old Margaret Bowman. 25 year old Denise Oliverson, who had just gotten into a spat with her new husband and had gone for a walk to clear her mind. Denise weighed 105 pounds. She was bound, gagged, raped, mutilated and thrown from a fast moving car. Have you ever considered what HIS life has been like since that day? How many hours of his life do you think have been spent on the floor, clutching the ring he had given her, apologizing into thin air?

These stories are real. These people are REAL.

I get that Ted Bundy was handsome and his eyes were very blue but please. Please stop glamorizing him like this. He ended and ruined lives. Nothing about him is cool or worthy of emulation. Ted Bundy raped, tortured, mutilated and strangled over 30 females, including 12 year old girls. None of his victims weighed more than 115 pounds.

Ted Bundy was a pathetic man.

Emulate Lynda. Emulate Debra. Raise their names and their voices to those around you. Honor them. They were very real people with promising lives and futures stretched ahead of them, stolen.

Please don’t elevate or whitewash this kind of rampant violence against women. I assure you the world is harsh enough for us without a new generation thinking Ted Bundy is a cool, fascinating guy.

Thanks.

some of u bitches r trying your hardest to stay positive and hopeful despite all the bullshit you’ve been going thru and it really shows and i’m proud of u

centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. discuss.

Oh. This. I don’t like this.

#not enough distinct body parts#insects have three#arachnids on the other hand have two#therefore i propose that centaurs are actually spiders hiding a pair of legs somewhere this is worse jade how did you manage to make this worse

But centaurs DO have 3 body parts.  Insects have head, thorax, and abdomen.  Centaurs have a head, a human “thorax”, and a horse “abdomen”.

Instead I propose that insects are arthropod centaurs.

“BEHOLD A CENTAUR” - Diogenes throwing a fucking ant on the ground

this is why we stopped inviting diogenes to these things

with these classifications, are we also implying that centaurs have exoskeletons?

No it’s the other way around, ants are tiny centaurs wearing armour

Okay but can you imagine the absolute chaotic energy that would be a collaboration of SunStroke Project and DoReDos?

What I’m saying is Moldova please

Choose your character