~excitate vos e somno...~

It's funny how I thought my heart and soul had healed from all that's happened this year. In a way, I had, because I wouldn't have been able to find the confidence to chase my independence and desire for happiness again...but I think there's still some part of me --- some traumatised part --- that keeps me worried, and sometimes paranoid that I'm being played, or worse, manipulated again. That isn't to say that this new love I've found isn't true. In fact, it's probably the truest thing I've ever felt --- the most I've ever felt respected...but I guess that's why it makes me so sacred --- scared of being hurt, of being played, of being betrayed. How do you let your heart completely heal? Is that ever possible. I want to be okay. Sometimes, I want to not feel or be concerned about anything, but how would I be able to enjoy all the good things without my emotions? I wish I had all the answers, but I think it'll be a lifetime before I can figure all this out for myself.

Nothing. Just tears.

All of this is just too painful. I feel like I just want to give up. I'm ruined. I have nothing. I'm empty. And I know you'll never care. Because you don't love me. And you never will. I don't know why I've been kidding myself. I've never meant anything to you. I'm nothing. I have nothing left to give. It'd be better if I just left this altogether.

I don't think I've ever felt this empty at all in my life, even after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend.

I never thought my life would be so complicated. I was always the type of girl who never had to deal with any relationship problems. Despite my emotions, I’ve always thought rationally and logically. I’ve always been able to think straight and do the right thing.

But now...I don’t even know who I am anymore.

And you’re the reason for it.

I want to hate you, but I can’t. 

I’m constantly in pain, but I can’t stop myself wanting to be with you. 

You have ruined me, and you don’t even realise it. 

You make me so angry, but you can’t even see it. 

You are probably the worst thing to ever happen to me. 

Tonight, I feel like I'm lost in the desert. You found my heart. I am stuck in quicksand and I am trying not to drown. Fell in deeper this time and I'm struggling to get out...and doubt creeps into my soul...and now, I've found there's nothing left to hold. I thought I'd die...I had no fight...I had given up. Thought I was done...I was savaged by the sun. I thought I'd die...I had no fight...I had turned to dust.

I’m not sure I can put into words all that’s happened to me in the past year. I could probably spend hours and hours writing and re-editing this stream-of-consciousness rambling, just to form a seemingly perfect picture of my uncharacteristically more-than-eventful life over the last few months, but I don’t think even I could make sense of it. I really fell deep into something I wasn’t expecting at all, and as much as I want to extricate myself from it --- and I really do --- I feel like it’s almost impossible...and I don’t know whether it’s because I’m in some way naively hopeful, unhealthily possessive, or subconsciously hurting more than I realise. All I know is that life’s complications were nothing compared to when you drowned my life in your presence. It was never something I thought I needed or wanted, and now I’m caught up in your chaos with no exit in sight. 

I wonder if you actually realise how much you hurt me. No matter how much you say that all you were ever concerned about was me and my feelings, your words always end up feeling empty and dismissive, and they fall short to assuage my pain and confusion, every time I look into your eyes. 

Although I’ll carry on and put the past to rest, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget. You’re the maelstrom that blew away my sense of right and wrong, and I’m only beginning to recover the pieces of my former self...and of my broken heart, that wasn’t all that unbroken to begin with.