just casually reading the scene in catching fire right after gale is whipped and katniss's mom is tending to his wounds. katniss is freaking out, yelling obscenities at her mother for not giving gale more pain medication. eventually, it has to get so bad that peeta and haymitch have to carry her out. in the end, katniss can not handle seeing gale in so much pain.
and peeta sees it. and i can't help but think that he solidifies this moment as one where he felt like katniss obviously loved gale. maybe thought that katniss loved gale more than him. so here katniss was, in a place without cameras, demonstrating her clear care for gale and his wellbeing. and that was all peeta wanted.
because while katniss did freak out when peeta was taken by the capitol doctors, it was in front of the cameras and peeta is always left with a little doubt about whether her actions were genuine.
and although the readers get a peek into katniss's mind and can clearly see the moments that she is acting for the camera and the times she isn't, peeta doesn't. we see the many different ways that katniss loves peeta (even before katniss realizes it herself), but peeta doesn't. so, because all of their actions have been tainted by the uncertainty of performance, peeta genuinely doesn't feel like katniss loves him that way.
and then peeta comes back to district thirteen. and after he gets over seeing katniss as a mutt, the question of if katniss's feelings were real is still central. and as he is trying to work through this, he must still compare his situation with gale. i would. that when gale was hurt, katniss stayed by his side the entire time, even sleeping next to him out of her concern. in comparison, katniss can't even stay in the same room with peeta, not that he particularly wants her to at first.
and i am sure that is so confusing when everyone keeps telling him how much she cares for him. because, now that the cameras are gone, where is katniss?
but little did peeta know that katniss's absense was not because of apathy. no, far from it. it was because of pain.
when katniss saw gale in pain, she couldn't handle to see his pain.but when katniss saw peeta, stripped of his identity and forgetting his love for her, she couldn't handle her pain.
it was too much. she couldn't give into it because she knew that she would truly fall apart just like finnick said. and that each time she looked at peeta, her heart would break more and more, threatening to undo her. because with peeta gone, her world was demolished; her heart ripped into a million pieces.
so, sometimes i just think about poor peeta, seriously conflicted that katniss isn't there beside him as he sorts out his memories about a girl who everyone said loved him.
and sometimes i think about how unaware he was that katniss, whether she was a room or hundreds of miles away, was desperately trying to hold herself together. hold herself together enough to kill snow and then die because what else does she have to live for? and what a difficult task that is when her entire world was crumbling alongside her broken heart.
and i wish that peeta could just see that.
