if you’re not in love with andy samberg by now you’re probably in love with stephanie beatriz

a concept: future jake and amy having a kid BUT amy goes into labour on halloween and jake has to figure out if amy is cheating him out of the heist or if he’s actually about to have a kid

What to do when you don't know what to do

·       Get out of bed. Do that now.

·       Go into the bathroom and remove all of your clothing. I have fat that gathers into massive love handles, stretch marks on every bit of skin that isn’t flat. But when my clothes are all off, with no fabric to bother me, no illusion of what my body looks like and all I can see is myself, I feel better. I feel more wholesome. Maybe you will, too.

·       Run your hands over it, turn around. Have no illusion of what your body looks like. It’s not as bad as you think. Get a good picture in your mind of anything you want to attend to. Make a list if you need to, only about your body.

·       Brush your hair through, if you have it.

·       Put your hair up and out of the way, if it’s long.

·       Floss and brush your teeth very well. Take your time on this. Do it twice if you need to. Your breath won’t feel as thick, you won’t feel as heavy.

·       Put on lots of chapstick or balm right afterwards

·       Wash any parts of your body that you need to.

·       Blow your nose until there’s nothing left, get it all out. You’re probably clogged up.

·       Clip your nails, take off any old polish. Push your cuticles back.

·       Wash your hair, if you want to.

·       If you (like to)shave, shave everything. You’ll feel weightless. Only fill up the bath a little bit and do it over the edge. You’ll just feel dirty if you sit in hair.

·       Drink a full glass of water. Don’t sip, don’t chug. Just don’t set it down until it’s gone.

·       Dress yourself in whatever way you feel ready for the day. Yoga pants, sweatpants, t-shirts, dresses, shorts. Whatever way that makes things easier.

·       Eat. Eat something. Don’t pull random bits of food from random boxes. Prepare it at once and sit down. Take this time to rest.

·       Get a drink of your choice, as long as it isn’t alcohol. As a matter of fact, if there’s alcohol on the counter, put it away. Don’t look at it. It will only give you a headache. Make yourself chocolate milk, water, a smoothie, a soda, whatever sounds nice.

·       Sit on the floor and forget about everything you need to think about. Set a timer for exactly one minute. Close your eyes, and during that one minute, pay attention to how your body feels. Ask yourself these questions. Am I sore anywhere? Stretch this bit out, put more pressure on it. Focus on your muscles. Keep your back completely straight. Did I eat enough? Think about your stomach. Focus on your breathing. Listen to the air. Can you hear the sound of your lights? A ceiling fan? Your joints? Don’t open your eyes until the time is up. This minute will pass very quickly.

·       Get a good old fashioned piece of notebook paper and a pencil. If you don’t have that use your phone or computer. Make a list of every little thing you need to do. Everything matters. Every errand, homework assignment, thing that needs cleaned, health issue… all of it.

·       Do it now. Check things off as you go. As you see things disappear, your head will be more clear.

·       Don’t forget to take your pills.

·       If you’ve been putting off your homework, fix yourself a snack and a tall drink of something warm. Get all of the supplies you need. Sit down and plow through it. If you need help with homework, message a friend, a family member, even message me. I’ll try and help you. It won’t take as long as you think, your mind is just cluttered. Repeat to yourself “this is what I am working on now. This is what is important now. I will feel lighter when I am finished.” Even if the assignment is due in a few weeks, more than likely it is too much to do in one night. Split it up into quarters. Work for one hour, and if you’re close, finish it off. Give yourself this one hour.

·       You don’t have to make your bed, but take off the blankets and shake them out. If there’s crumbs on the mattress, vacuum, or wipe them off. If you have dirty clothes, put them in the hamper.

·       Now that your day is free, deal with your social problems. Is there someone you’ve been meaning to apologize to? Something you’ve upset? Something you’re unsure of? You have all of the rest of the day to deal with it. Take your time.

·       Before bed, pay special attention to your face. Wash it, clean your ears, put on acne medicine, moisturize it. Anything on your face that needs to be attended to. See how beautiful you are? Your skin will drink it up, it will look better tomorrow. Do this constantly.

·       Listen to songs you haven’t in a while. You forgot that one verse, the reason why you kept it.

·       Make a list of questions. How does a remote work? Why do we have toenails? What is this word? Look them up. They’re right there to know.

·       Ask for help

·       It’s fine to cry. I feel warm in the face afterwards. I feel smaller afterwards, less huge. Less of a problem. You need to understand that we want to matter, but when we mess up we don’t want it to matter. It goes both ways. You are the most important person. Your mistakes only have weight to you. Nobody minds as much as you think they do.

·       Do these things. Do them now.

hhhHhHhng

Dan Reynolds, Imagine Dragons @ Genting Arena, Birmingham 24/3/18 @robjackface

i lived, bitch

i laughed, bitch

I won’t hesitate, bitch

it’s Britney, bitch

Gangnam style has 999,901,298 views

The video is 4:13 min long

That’s a total of about 4,249,580,516.5 viewing minutes

or about 71,020,258 hours

or about 2,959,177 days

or about 8,102 years

Civilization emerged about 5,000 years ago, to put that in perspective.

what the fuck made you want to do all that math

night-lite

@roseellendix  @roxeterawr

things literally everyone, regardless of gender, looks good in:

•battle armor

•blood of your enemies

•flannel shirts with the sleeves rolled up

This post went from zero to ten back to zero real fast

look the ideal future is me having a strong girlfriend/wife who can effortlessly swing a sword but i know that future means me staring at her anxiously as she does sick sword stuff and going “babe, is that safe? babe are you sure you should do that? babe please be careful. babe. babe maybe we can just stare admiringly at that sword instead” 

future wife: hey look at me throw this axe with devastating accuracy 

me, with my heart rate skyrocketing: that’s so hot, honey, but is that, like, really sharp?