samsteve and other things

some awkward first meeting aus for when person a is a disaster

1. we’re at an airport bathroom and i just overhead you saying “fuck yeah piss on me” which is really just not a great thing to overhear… turns out you were talking to the sink, which i guess is a relief? still, are you, like, okay..?

2. i got out of work late so i’m doing grocery shopping now because i was too lazy to do so earlier. i pushed my cart past your the aisle you were in, and you dropped a 4-pack of microwavable kraft macaroni and cheese and proceeded to break down sobbing. maybe it’s not my place to ask, but… are you okay?

3. i kept hearing a knocking on my windowsill so i went to go check it out and there you are. how did you get here??? what do you MEAN you fell, i live on the fourth floor???

4. i got locked outside my apartment so im waiting for my roommate to get back but theyre an asshole so ive been waiting for a while so here i am, sitting outside my apartment in the rain, and you just sit down beside me and fall asleep. who are you? why are you…? do you even live here? dude……..?

5. you waved at me on the street but i wasnt sure if it was me you were trying to wave at since i dont know who you are so you waved again so i awkwardly waved back and the look of shock on your face was honestly amazing but then you tripped and fell down a flight of stairs i mean it was kind of impressive how hard you ate shit on the asphalt but are you alright? your nose looks a little broken

6. youre the weird person in my discord server and you just baited me into an intellectual discussion about soap on vc at 4pm. anyways theres this cute-but-shy person at the coffee shop i like going to that sounds like you

7. your fucking cat keeps escaping your apartment at ungodly hours of the night, screaming, and i finally found you chasing her. what the fuck did you do to her to make her hate staying with you so much

8. i work at a wendy’s and you walked in and stone-faced ordered eighty chicken nuggets. when i asked if you had a party later you said no, youre just going through it. do you need help eating all of those? also why didnt you call this in earlier, youre gonna be waiting for a while. its dead right now, at least… do you mind telling me why you need eighty fucking wendys brand chicken nuggets

all fanfiction is funnier and sexier and vastly better-written when you read it at three in the morning, in the dark, lying on your side, tucked into bed, with screen rotate turned off. that’s just how it works. that’s just facts.

“How nice – to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.” - Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

Falcon and Cap totally nap in the sun together

ok in this modern retelling of little women who decided to make Jo a complete douche puppet like why? why does she suck so much and why did we have to amp up the rivalry between her and amy? as soon as Jo called Amy stupid and immature I thought her book DESERVED to get burned, what are we doing here???

ok so not only that but instead of ice skating the morning after the fight they go horseback riding???? what in the what?? and then Jo’s just not gonna apologize for all the mean and unnecessary things she said to Amy?? this is the first time i flat out am not rooting for Jo. this modern retelling sucks my guy

started writing that moreid fanfic and am now coming to terms with the fact i suck

the problem is i’m lying to myself. trying to convince myself i want plot when i just wanna write smut like the garbage person i am. just a real estate agency/office au and smut that’s it.