With the sound of the doorbell, Zen got up from bed and dragged himself to the door.
"Hey, hyung," Yoosung said with his lips curled, "You just got up?" He asked at the begrudgingly Zen, with his wrinkled tank top and his sweatpants along with his hair all over the places.
"Uh, yeah I guess so," he said, scratching one side of his head. Yoosung looked at him worriedly, "Hyung, it's already 3pm haven't you eaten yet?" He asked as Zen let him in, removing his shoes and slipping on some slippers.
Zen didn't bother to answer as he went inside the kitchen, opening the fridge and taking out a can of beer. Yoosung sighed at the sight of the living room, cans of beers scattered everywhere and even ashes of cigarettes and butts.
Another sigh left his lips as Zen entered with a can on hand, plopping himself down the sofa and raising his feet to the table.
"At least eat something with it! Here, I got some food," Yoosung said as he cleared out the table, bringing out the food he brought before coming. Zen clicked his tongue in annoyance, but realizing the pain in his stomach he reached for the food and took a bite.
It's been months… months since he lost you. Months of mourning, months of crying himself to sleep, months of missing you... months of blaming himself not saving you.
In those months he let himself slip… let himself let go of everything. Because without you, what's the point of living?
Yoosung started to clean up the scattered cans and cigarettes as Zen silently ate. The once talkative Zen now has no words to say, not even logging in into the messenger. Even Jaehee came before, but her heart saddened to see Zen like this that she couldn't take it and asked Yoosung for help.
The whole RFA mourned for the loss of you. But to Zen, they don't understand his pain. The loss of a lover, the loss of his purpose and his everything.
The first few weeks he busied himself with work, accepting jobs here and there until his body couldn't take it. Forced to be bedridden for two days, the loneliness started to crept in, the dark thoughts eating him.
I couldn't save you jagi…
I couldn't…
Why did you leave me?
The same thoughts repeating in his head over and over again while he grasps your side of the bed, desperate to cling on your scent that's already fading.
While cleaning, Yoosung noticed an article of clothing lying on the corner, trying to pick it up Zen suddenly caught him.
"Oi! Leave it there," he said, brows already furrowed in annoyance.
"I SAID LEAVE IT!" Zen roared before Yoosung could finish his sentence.
Yoosung's eyes went wide, never have he seen Zen like that before, let alone shout at him.
"You're not fair hyung! You're not the only one who lost her! And now it feels like we lost you too!" Yoosung retorted with teary eyes. Dropping the plastic with the cans of beers and along with the clothing, Yoosung stormed off slamming the door behind him.
"Tsk," Zen got up and took the piece of cloth, smelling it while he whispered, "It's okay jagi, you're still here," he said while trying to sniff you're fading smell, the room almost overpowering with the pungent smell of cigarettes.
Remnants of you remained in the apartment, the clothes you left around still lying around. Your toothbrush and hair products still next to his in the bathroom. Your glass of water with lipstick stain remained untouched at the kitchen table.
Everything you left, was still there, as if waiting for you to come back at them.
"Ju-jumin, he's not getting better, maybe..," Yoosung sobbed as he called Jumin, "Maybe you can reach V?" He asked. Swallowing a little pride as he mentioned V's name.
Jumin, on the other line, sighed. Knowing how hard to contact V, he had no choice but to try. As much as it was a nuisance, Jumin was worried and cared for Zen too.
Zen took out his motorcycle, feeling suffocated inside his apartment he went out for a ride. It was always like that, when he can't stand being inside his apartment, seeing all the pieces that screams you, he'd take out his bike go to his secret place.
"Hyun?" A voice called as Zen was leaning to the fence, looking behind he was shocked to see V, holding a cane with his sunglasses on.
"V!" He said surprised, reaching out his hand to help V come down from above.
"Thank you," V said as he found his way down and leaned to the fence, placing his cane on one side.
"Why are you here? Who brought you?" Zen asked curiously, "Ahh, Jumin called and assisted me here," he simply said as he glanced over the limo that was on standby.
For a moment they were silent, staring at the scene before them. Sharing the pain, the agony of losing the love of their life. If someone understood Zen’s pain.. maybe it was V, Jumin thought.
"How's your eye?" Zen asked breaking the silence, "I still could see a little," V said. "You know Jumin said Yoosung was hurt," he added.
Zen sheepishly stroked his nape, feeling guilty at his outburst earlier. "I guess I owe him an apology," he muttered.
"Hyun," V's voice suddenly deep with seriousness, "Do you think MC would be happy if she sees you like this?" he asked.
Zen's eyes went wide, would you?
Letting his guards down, his vulnerability showing up.
"I just.. I don't understand why she'd… I love her.." Zen's voice cracking up, his heart once again aching, a pain that keeps throbbing, never leaving him since the day you left.
"I know she was already suffering before.. but I told her we'd battle it together… I..i-" not able to finish what he was going to say he sobbed. Hands on his head to support him.
"You did your best Hyun," V said as he reached for his shoulder. "At least she's not suffering anymore,".
Zen remembers how you'd suddenly fall silent, how you'd distance yourself and fight your demons. How it pained you, how you'd feel so lost sometimes, and even with his hand reaching out… sometimes.. the demons holds you stronger. It pained him to see you suffer, that he couldn't do anything but cheer you on, but despite your smiles and laughs, the darkness still lingered.
"You have to forgive yourself Hyun, it's not your fault.. it was something she couldn’t win," an advice V told Zen, an advice he himself cannot take...
Zen closed his eyes, trying to remember how you'd smile, how your laughter sounds like, how your touch and voice would sooth him..
Sniffing and wiping his tears away he fixed himself as he stood up straight, "Thanks V, for coming all the way here," he said in a low voice. V smiled at him, grabbing his cane.
"Remember, RFA is your family too."
For the first time since you left, Zen finally mustered up the courage to visit your grave. A flower already lying, Zen smiled weakly, must be Yoosung, he thought. You like Zen was fond of Yoosung, as Yoosung both treated you his older siblings and you treated him as your own little brother as well.
"Jagi," he said in a low tone, "I'm sorry… I couldn't save you…" his voice started to crack, but still continued. "I hope you're peaceful now.. and.. watch over me okay? I'm… I'll try to reach for our dreams.." closing his eyes, yes, V was right. You wouldn't be happy seeing him throw his dreams away.. After all the work you’ve both done..
"I'll support you Zenny!" Your cheery voice said. "Really jagi?" He chuckled while he held you in his arms, "Of course! We'll reach your dreams together."
"I'll reach for them… and someday, we'll be together again. See you soon, jagi."
