I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for - that is the life!
Chloe Valentine, probably
Brooke: You realize you're a bitch, right?
Chloe: It was my nickname in the class yearbook. Ah, memories...
Jenna: A guy should mess up your lipstick, not your mascara.
Chloe: Mess up my lipstick and people will watch your body get scooped out of a river on the news.
Whiskey is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Jake Dillinger
He's small, swift, and formidable-- like a very angry vole!
Jake, talking about Rich
The SQUIP: I'm sorry, can you stop doing that weird thing with your face?
Jeremy: ...Crying?
Chloe: What's happening?
Brooke: I think they're laughing at you.
Chloe: That's never happened before. I don't like it.
You know, if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Trump, Putin and you, I’d shoot you twice.
Jeremy Heere, to the SQUIP
Rich: You know what I’ve always wondered? How do tall people like you actually sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you from your shoulders to your toes?
Jake: Dude. It's four o'clock in the fucking morning.
Rich: So you can’t sleep, huh?
Rich: …is it because of the blanket?
Rich: Hey, Jeremy sneezes like a girl!
Jeremy: How about I pound you like a boy?
Jeremy:
Jeremy: That didn't come out right.
The SQUIP: Could you please not Jeremy this into a worse situation than it already is?
Jeremy: Hold on, did you just use my name as a verb?
Michael: This should be easy. Like riding a bike!
Jeremy: I broke my arm riding a bike.
Jeremy: There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing.
The SQUIP: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.
Jeremy: My mother always told me that good news is always bad news in disguise.
Michael: Was this before she abandoned you?
Jeremy: Yes it was.
For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.
Michael, at The Play
Chloe: Don’t you have homework to do?
Jake: My homework has already been taken care of.
[Jake hands the note to Chloe.]
Chloe: [reading his note] "Please excuse Jake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to write, read, or bathe. Yours truly: The Doctor." ...
Jake: [proudly] Wrote it myself!
The SQUIP doesn't understand the meaning of the words 'innocent bystander'. The closest he comes to it is 'regrettable civilian casualties'.
Jeremy Heere, probably