Actions are part of mental illness. If it's "selfish" for someone to commit suicide, you are basically saying their mental suffering is irrelevant because they only exist for the pleasure of others, and therefore them trying to ease their own pain is always unjustified if someone else might be upset. That's abuse logic -- which unfortunately our society basically runs on. Suicide is not selfish, it is an act of pain and illness. It should be discouraged by giving help, not shaming and guilt.

Hello there,

It’s not abusive logic to point out that what you’re doing is wrong and that it’s hurting others.

I used to think this. I used to get angry when my husband would tell me that what I was doing was wrong, when I would scream at him or throw things at him. Because I was in pain - and why didn’t that matter to him? Didn’t my pain matter at all? I used to hit him, or push him, or scare him, all because he wouldn’t tell me that I mattered more. That my pain was important. And the thing was… he was telling me. I just wasn’t hearing it well enough, because I was too caught up in my pain.

But that’s the thing; I was putting my pain above his. And him pointing out that I was doing so isn’t abusive. I was being abusive, by assuming that my pain mattered more. By insisting that his pain didn’t matter. By not validating him, but asking to be validated.

I am not saying their mental suffering is irrelevant. I’m saying that their actions are wrong. Feeling suicidal isn’t selfish. Acting on those feeligs is.

Actions are NOT a part of mental illness. Insisting they are is an unhealthy, toxic mindness. It’s letting that illness win. It’s giving in to your own sickness. YOU are in control of your actions. It’s time to step up, take some deep breaths, gather your strength, and admit that to yourself. You are powerful, you are stronger than you know - but the first step to strength is admitting you’ve been wrong.

You don’t exist only for the pleasure of others and I’ve never stated that. What I’m telling you is that your actions will hurt other people. That’s a simple truth. Easing your own pain shouldn’t cause others pain. If you want to cause others pain because you feel as if yours is more important - that’s wrong. 

It’s an act of pain and illness, I agree. But that doesn’t mean it’s not selfish. Even if you are in pain, or sick, you can still be wrong. You can still be selfish. If someone who is abusing their spouse is doing it out of pain and illness - they’re still wrong. Even if it’s because they’re suffering. Harming others is wrong, no matter your motives. 

It sounds as if you are having trouble admitting to yourself that your choices are damaging. They are damaging others - and they are damaging yourself. Having this mindset is toxic to both others and you. Because you’re letting your illness win. You’re giving in and, essentially, throwing yourself a ‘pity party’ - to put it a bit more harshly, as it seems kindness isn’t working here. You’re saying, ‘Poor me, I’m ill, I can’t control that I’m in pain, I need to end it.’ And while yes, it’s valid that you’re in pain - that’s not the only thing in this life that matters. You can control it, it’s just hard.

If you want to matter to others, others need to matter to you.

Suicide is selfish in most cases. You leave behind only pain - and choosing to put your own pain above the pain of those you care about is selfish. It’s wrong. I don’t know how many times or how many ways I can say that - and no, telling you what you’re doing is hurting people, or wrong, isn’t abusing you. It’s telling you to stop pitying yourself and remember that you’re not the only one who is suffering. You’re not the only one whose pain matters. It matters, yes, I agree. But stop putting yourself first.

If you really want to escape your pain and suffering - fight it. Seek help. Seek therapy. It’s hard - I will NEVER tell you it’s not hard. I’ve stated this time and time again. But taking the easy way out is cowardly. Stepping on the hearts of others because you couldn’t do what was hard is cowardly. Willingly hurting those you care about because you couldn’t fight is cowardly.

You need to think logically - as my therapist tells me. Push aside your emotions and think with your head, instead of your heart. Stop letting your illness win, or you will cause more pain.

I really do love you and I hope you can step back, take a deep breath, and accept these things. Because refusing to accept that you are responsible for your own actions is harmful to yourself. 

- N