take me to church.

in truth, the idea of listening words of encouragement from strangers who do not know what are you struggling with or don’t want to understand frightens me so much. because i don’t know how to react, what kind of emotion i need to represent. it’s really hard to talk to neurotypical people because they see you as second-rate. they say polite words to encourage you but they indeed want to get rid of you. actually i do not understand the concept of whining and complaining either. in my opinion it’s meaningless. if you really want to help or if you know how to help, please do it or make me do something. because i don’t know what to do and how to manage my life in that way.

there was a moment when I was just lili, and i think that he could see that. do you see?

fd - the danish girl.

ch - lili elbe.

md - verrett .

ph - ekzotworit.

my psychosis story

recently i was diagnosed schizophrenia. finally. it was a bpd before.

well how to start. there was a very tough year. i made a lot of bad irrational things, lost my job, tried to commit suicide over and over again. a lot of people just stuck me out of their life. the voices shouted in my head. the cockroaches. gosh, a lot of cockroaches. blood. the man following me. and, god, i was so paranoid. i didn’t realize what happened to me. not a clue. i was delusional, lost and hallucinated almost all the time. and to be honest it wasn’t my first psychotic episode. i have started to see things since i was seven (i’m 25 now). but it always was an explanation. you know, vivid fantasy or magic or ghosts or paranormal things or anything else but hallucinations. i thought i was okay. anxious and manic, but okay. it’s not a big deal, you see.

i was drowning, but one very special person pulled me out. still words can't express my gratitude. and i decided to fight the disease for him, ‘cause i lack motivation to do it for me. i wish i could write i feel better now, but to be honest i still struggle with hallucinations and paranoia every day. despite my medication and therapy.

well then i’m going to post here some thoughts about my condition and how to live with schizophrenia. so if you have a problem with that, feel free to unfollow me.

every morning i promise myself that i’ll spend the entire day as a man. but i think lili’s thoughts, i dream her dreams. she’s always there.

⠀

fd - the danish girl.

ch - lili elbe.

md - verrett.

ph - ekzotworit.

forgive me father i have sinned.