Floasis

Warning. This blog is a trigger.

Please don’t reblog my journaling posts. I really need to stay alive and I don’t have places to put all of this without causing more stress for my already exhausted support system.

Doing my best.

Also please have some respect. This is not a space for your porn blogs, I prefer not to be followed unless you’re trying to learn more about your mind and how to be a kinder and more well rounded human.

I am a human having a unique experience after enduring a life of traumatic experiences.

I need to be loved for no reason. Encouraged for no reason. Spoken to gently for no reason.

This squirting thing is getting out of hand.

I just changed my sheets 😭. Fuck.

Walking through my childhood is lonely and filled with despair.

Isabella. Feels more like me this time around. My childhood.

Walking through my early life.

So lonely. I wasn’t supposed to be so alone. Isolated. Unloved.

A child.

A reminder to do better as a mom.

My mom did her best from what she experienced.

I forgive her.

I forgive me.

Realizing corruption in our military comes in part from the draft as well. You didn’t get vetted for character traits, just drafted at 18. Used your brain to get up in ranks and spread toxicity where there was supposed to be integrity and skill.

War.

Lack of records of criminals.

White privilege really had men escaping accountability in civilian society and then being drafted with those same criminal behaviors.

It’s why today there can be sexual assault rampant in the military. No accountability.

I’ve stood by a woman who stood by a woman who was assaulted and the courts are vile towards women.

There’s a reason men were in uproar over women joining. Those specific men told on themselves. When women could go on submarines they were recorded in the showers illegally. There are really fucked up people everywhere.

I just want accountability to be a thing as well.

So much missed.

Kiddo is getting into vegetables with the meals I ordered. Nurture life. Crazy to think if I couldn’t afford it what it would cost me physically.

He’s trying veggies and figuring out ways to get them in his body without gagging. He was so proud that he didn’t chew it, he bit and swallowed. Eventually I know he will chew. To see that his mind could change habits was great. I keep telling him, food is Feul. Your body needs the nutrients. It’s not always about the flavor or what you don’t like. There is no relationship with food. Just with people. Food is like air. You don’t ask it to fill your lungs to oxygenate your brain. It is necessary so it is done. Food is necessary. Nutritional and tasteful. Balance. I can’t just cut out all the snacks. Moderation. Helps to regulate his digestive system.

Isabella was here yesterday. I went to two hospitals just to get treatment. First hospital sent me home with a clean bill of health but I was in excruciating pain all over so my social worker encouraged me to go to the VA hospital since they have all my records. If she wasn’t there I wouldn’t have went. It was just as expected. Left in pain for 4 hours before any intervention. I had the flu and an infection. Antibiotics and rest. Rehydration. Exhausted. Uncomfortable. Still gotta be parent and spouse and friend. Life.

Calming myself in the ambulance. Isabella really. I feel more of a person and less of a part these days. Guessing a host change for sure.

Feels like I faked everything but I know I didn’t. I wasn’t wrong. I’m a different person right now and that doesn’t take away from my system being real. I look forward to who I am.

Enjoy your time in the body self. I love you.