This Is Chaos. This Is Magic

dead ringers 2023

staunchly against toddlers being given phones. stop that. give them little stuffed animals to play pretend with. fucking talk to them for a second even. stop giving them your phone. stop giving kids phones and ipads. stop it.

as above (insane in the head) so below (insane in the pussy)

i could fix him but whatever the fuck is wrong with him is way funnier

headcanon: for april fools one year, stephanie successfully manages to get all the batkids to operate as Robin. in the costume and everything, so one night there's like six Robins of varying sizes grappling around the city. and Robin is spotted at daytime, which is a rare occasion. when Batman calls for Robin on the comms, every single one of them responds, slowly driving him insane.

(the citizens of gotham are kind of confused, but y'know, they've seen weirder things.)

Dick “it’s not broken if I can still move it” Grayson and his brother Jason “what bullet wound, I don’t see a bullet wound” Todd are proof that dumbassery can be inherited even through adoption (from one Bruce “I’ve never been injured in my life” Wayne)

The fearless one.

Batkid Groupchat

Dick: someone save me pls

Jason: What's wrong?

Dick: Gala at Wayne Manor

Dick: This guy won't stop talking to me

Jason: lol sucks to suck

Damian: Sorry Richard, I cannot attend to the situation. That would give up my hiding spot.

Damian: I meant vantage point.

Damian: If any of you tell Bruce, I will murder you.

Cass: Damian, look up

*sends photo of Damian in the rafters of Wayne Manor*

Damian: Ah, great minds think alike I see.

Tim: hold up Dick, I wanna get out of this conversation too, I'll be over in a sec

Steph: Can't relate

Steph: This is why you don't let the first billionaire who offers adopt you

Steph: then you gotta go to the stuffy parties

Steph: Duke and I are the only smart ones

Duke: Agreed, have fun at the party

Later at the Gala

*Red Hood and the Outlaws come busting through the door*

Red Hood: This is a hostage situation

Red Hood: We want Dick Grayson, Tim Drake, Cassandra Cain, and Damian Wayne.

Bruce, also desperately wanting to get out: Aren't you forgetting someone

Red Hood: Oh, right, Alfred Pennyworth

Bruce: aren't you forgetting someone else?

Red Hood: No

Bruce: Ja- Red Hood. Aren't you going to take me!

Red Hood: what would I need you for? I already have CEO of Wayne enterprises *ruffles Tim's hair, about to get fought by Tim* (under his breath: you fight back, I'm leaving you behind), a police officer, biological son of a billionaire, cool af dancer Cassandra Cain, and Alfred the Almighty

Bruce: don't you want a billionaire too?

Red Hood: If I take you, who is going to pay the ransom?

*Taking the Batkids and Alfred out of the gala as Bruce pouts*

Jason: one of you swipped Bruce's credit card before we left, right?

Tim: of course, we aren't amateurs

Jason: then ice cream on Bruce!

Bruce: There’s my little babies!! Do you guys want some cookies?? I love you all so so much!!

Bruce’s children, covered in blood and all holding multiple weapons that are also covered in blood: Yeah!

damian : [creeping behind jason to stab him]

jason, loudly : I hope no one is about to attack me from behind because I'm thinking about making cookies later.

damian pausing :

damian : ...what kind?

Jason: Ew, this tastes gross *turning to Dick next to him and holding it out to him* try it

Dick: What? No way, you just said it tastes gross, why would I try it?

Jason: fine *turns to Tim on the other side of him, holding it out* try this

Tim: *takes a bite* Yeah, disgusting

Damian: Oh please, Drake's a baby, let me try it

Tim: *passes it to Damian*

Damian: *Tries it* Eww, yeah, no, this is gross

Steph: *Takes it from Damian, trying it* makes me want to vomit, try it Cass

Cass: *Takes a bite* yeah no, please never get this again, you want some Duke?

Duke: Why not *takes a bite* Meh, it's not horrible, it's just not good

Dick: Well now I feel left out

Duke: *hands it to Dick*

Dick: *takes a bite*

Dick:

Bruce, in the background: *slaps his forehead* why are they like this

Jason: You wanna try Bruce?

Bruce, dad who feels bad when he says no to his kids: *pained smile* *through clenched teeth* Suuuure...

Dick: *hands it to Bruce*

Bruce: *takes a bite, spits it out into his napkin* Awful, truly atrocious, I'm going to sue, that was so awful

Jason is not allowed to play shooting games against his siblings because they claim he has unfair IRL experience

Tim isn’t allowed to play monopoly cuz he has a way to talk you into giving up all your money and property to him and it ends with Damian trying to stab him with the top hat

Damian isn’t allowed to play Pictionary with his siblings because he refuses to guess what they’re drawing if he doesn’t think it fits an artistic standard and so Tim and Jason try to make their drawings as bad as possible to watch him fume

Dick isn’t allowed to play charades because he gets very creative with his acting out and sometimes his flexibility scares people who aren’t used to it (Jason)

Duke isn’t allowed to play uno with the others because no one knows how he always ends up with the +4 and +2 cards no matter who shuffles and it has ended in blood being spilled on several occasions

ginger snapped so jennifer could body