welcome to my side of reality

If humans were kept as pets by another species, we wouldn’t be allowed to eat a lot of stuff we normally eat because it’s bad for our health.

The first person to have two world records must have infinite records (first person to have two records; first person to have three records; and so on).

People pay thousands for genetically inferior in-bred dogs, while genetically superior mixed-gene dogs are cheap

HAUHGUHAUHSUHGUDISHGGHUDHSG

When you need to use royalty free music but can’t find any you like so you make your own but then you remember you don’t know how to compose music but you spent all this time making it and you’re not turning back now

At least it fits with the Halloween theme

working in retail

Semi short arm tutorial

The point isn’t to date someone who likes all the exact same things as you but to date somebody who isn’t a complete fuck and won’t mock you or your interests just because you don’t share them

Also someone who wants to know & care about your interests

A dating service where matching is based on people’s search history exists. You’re a serial killer. You go on a date with a writer.

Serial Killer: metaphorically, if you were to kill someone, how would you do it?

Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.

Serial Killer who is obviously in love already: *sucks in a breath* ok

Writer: how long would it take to die if you were to potentially stab someone in the guts

Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes

Writer, already bringing a ring out: *shaking* thanks

A++ addition

Writer: *shows the serial killer the murder scene they’re writing* babe, i’m not sure if this would actually work?

Serial killer: *kisses writer on the forehead and leaves, comes back later, a suspicious scent of blood coming off them* it works baby, you’re doing great

I LOVE THIS

Oh no, murder comedy is my jam

I love this, I love all of this, but quick question, does the author know? Like are they aware that their significant other is a serial killer or do they just think that they have a morbid sense of humor? It’d be even funnier if the author had no fucking clue, like how Aurthur Conan Doyle was apparently stupidly gullible, and on top of it they’re a horror or crime novelist. Like the serial killer works at a butcher shop or something so it’s completely normal for them to come home smelling like blood, no murders going on here, no sirey. Just my darling coming back home from a long day at work.

Now fast forward a bit and the author has managed to get their first book published, with loving support from the serial killer who helped them fine tune all the murder scenes, and it’s a big hit. Enough so that a detective with the local police department has noticed some disturbing similarities to several active cases, including details that were never released to the press. Obviously he brings this up to his superior and convinces him that there’s something to the theory, but it’s all circumstantial right now. He stakes out the author’s home and is super convinced that the author is the murderer, but they don’t seem to do anything??? Like they literally are at the house all day, that’s it. Most they do is leave for groceries.

So you get this dynamic of the serial killer mining the author for creative murder schemes, the author being lovingly encouraged by the serial killer, and finally the detective who is just so sure that the author is the killer and that if he sticks it out long enough he’ll FINALLY have proof.

@thebibliosphere As a bard I think you should see this

I’m not a tit for tat person. Don’t care if it took you 5 hours to respond. Probably been busy. Texting you back right away cuz I’m available n I miss you.

Yes but damn does it still hurt. Knowing you’re the one who wants to prove that the other person is priority b/c people need people!!!

2 .but chewing with your mouth open is still gross and bad. keep that locked up

I’LL SIGN THIS

A-fucking-men

amen dudes

Isn’t it weird how you can actually feel the pain in your chest and stomach when something really hurts your feelings

This is actually because it activates your vagus nerve! Basically your body goes “we are so upset! We must be injured! Where???? On the inside guts! Those are confusing and hard to differentiate!!! Confusing guts are hurt!”

Great! How do I uninstall it?

“great! how do i uninstall it?” carries the same vibe as “thanks! i hate it” but more ACTIONABLE bc we gettin our shit together in 2k18

“Where are you” has probably never been asked in sign language

Why do anons keep on sending me beautiful compliments and confessions only for me to never hear from them again and have no way of finding out who they are? Like what kinda hell is this

Love

My mom would beat my ass if i used her pans for this

@studentlifeproblems

A porcupine’s Halloween present (+ original sound effects)

I had no idea giant porcupines made fucking precious sounds

THAT’S THE SOUND IT MAKES!?!?!?

UN-BE-FUCKING-LIEVABLE 

We got asked if this is cute and okay. I can very happily say yes, this is stupid cute and those are happy porcupine noises. 

One of my favorite things about doing zoo work was all the noises you never realize the animals make when they’re excited or interested in a new thing. Coatimundis squeak and snuffle, and giant porcupines make that sound. 

Omgggg the sounds.

Teddy is back on my dash and all is right with the world

AISGDFOIAYTDGFUYADTF BBY BOI!!

@goodurlsjustarentmything @darkwingderpy @schwilliamp @deafwaves @dreemurr-skelememer