:^)

call 911 she’s been shot

me: i love you but please, please do not step on my keyboard. go a foot out of your way and go around

my lovable yet ungrateful cat, a troublegirl and a fiend: you could sooner divert a river from its course than deny my nature 

yall be in relationships? LMAO

the girls here only care about tits in their mouth and pictures of farms with little ducks sheep and cows and i dont blame them

Did the cat just give–

this is the wholesome pure content we need more of

Sick ass adventure wizard investigates native crustacean with his supportive but easily spooked familiar 

Steven Yeun photographed for Dazed Korea - July 2018

Когда хозяин где-то шарахается, а ты дома один.Нечёсаный. Неглаженый. Нецелованный….

“When the master is gallivanting about somewhere, while you’re home alone. Unbrushed. Unpetted. Unkissed….”

you wet idiot

Godspeed you! wet idiot

When you’re watching queer eye but then they roast the client for doing something you do 

I must ask how @mythlokisuggestion

To answer the how: With a string and by distracting it with a carrot.

To get into the why: BBQ went sour, I got abducted, something something apples, bird got killed, a surprising moment of female agency followed by foot-fetish competition with some heavy metaphors on top of it, a wedding in the end.

But the full version: went for a bbq with my worst blood-brother and best friend and above average lover who are all the same guy (Odin) and another person who truly doesn’t matter (his only personality trait that I have so far determined is that he can swim) but our meat didn’t become the nice, tender-on-the-inside, oak-charcoal-aroma-ed deliciousness the Aesir like but was no longer the chunk of raw meat I enjoy.

And then this big bird called an ‘eagle’ dropped by and said: “I kept your flesh from cooking, but if you let me have a bite too, I’m going to magic your meat to perfection!” And we agreed and the bird did as he said. And because Odin and I and this truly unimportant person are all examples of moral integrity and always hold up our end of a bargain, we let him have the first bite. Except it tried to eat too much of it so we said: “Fuck the bargain.”

I fought the bird (mostly hit at it with a stick) but ut turned out that it could fly and it grabbed me by the stick and stole me (that happens to me a lot). I mean, I could have let go of the stick, but I only had it for a few minutes and I was quite fond of it so I didn’t. The bird said either I should bring him Idun + her magical apples of immortality or it would drop me to the ground. And obviously, I’m immortal because of the apples ;) and I don’t mind falling from great heights so up your birdhole!

(But I do mind the landings so I also promised to do anything the bird asked.)

And anyway, the bird let me go (the less painful way) and luckily neither Odin nor the truly unimportant person asked any questions about my second abduction of the afternoon (because Odin was too busy eating the meat we left behind and laughing at me between the bites and rejoicing that the bird didn’t make any ransom demands and Unimportant because he doesn’t have opinions) so we went home.

After several rude emails from the bird, I met with Idun and told her to go for a walk in the woods with me and with some of her apples and because I’m a trustworthy, nice individual she did just that, not for any other expectations she might have had or promises or suggestions I may have made, and that’s when I let the bird - who wasn’t actually a bird but a giant called Thiazi - abduct her and her immortality apples.

And then I thought the best course of action is to simply do nothing and hope no one would notice that the lady giving everyone their immortality apples and great life-advice and fluffy warm blankets in the winter and that refreshing mint-tea in the summer was gone. Because honestly, the only noteworthy thing about Idun is that she puts parsley on her ice-cream and smells of apple like…apples do. And gives hugs that are warm and tight and full of forgiveness that make me cry sometimes. (strangely her abduction coincides with me getting a whole lot less of these hugs for a while but I don’t think there’s a connection)

Either way, at some point someone was like: “It’s not smelling of apples around here and my life is going to shit and I don’t have any of that refreshing mint-tea anymore it’s like something is missing?” and someone else who happens to be Bragi was like: “I think I might have lost my wife.”

And then everyone remembered that I went into the woods with her and concluded that something that’s not weird, kinky, apple-themed sex must have happened there and I was like: “I know of nothing but weird, kinky, apple-themed sex under an oak-tree near a shallow river.” and Odin was: “Maybe we should torture you.” (It’s an in-joke between the two of us and the joke is that he’d absolutely do it) so I said: “ok maybe I let a giant abduct her over a bird-fight gone sour, whatevs.” And then the truly unimportant person said: “Wait is this about what happened during the BBQ?” And everyone ignored him.

I on the other hand told them to a) light a big fire and b) give me Freyja’s robe (not the ones I usually ask her for, the magical once that she keeps demanding back, the one that makes you fly) and I flew out to rescue Idun. And then I did rescue Idun and it was really anti-climactic and also I turned her into an acorn and flew back and the giant noticed and flew after me and the guys timed the fire just right and he flew right into the flames. Got roasted. Literally. (Finally some good fucking food)

Except a few days later this buff, giant miracle of a Jötun-woman called Skadi skies by and is like: “That bird you’re eating is my Dad and I should kill you all unless you give me Frey’s hand in marriage!” (Which is a plot-twist, usually people end up asking for Freya, who’s buff and big and scary so we can just put Thor in a dress, but Frey is, sadly, a twink and that wouldn’t work with any of Thor’s dresses but I’m getting off topic and into a weird, foot-fetish-based competition for her favour which Njörd won despite his webbed toes or maybe because of them. Anyway she later left him I think she’s with Artemis now but I don’t keep track) and either way she demanded more compensation and Odin put the giant’s eyes into the sky as stars and Skadi was like: “That’s fucked up what is it with you and eyes? Can’t anyone in this weird place do something normal to cheer me up?” so I tied my balls to a goat and we had a tug-of-war. Which I won.

And yeah, that’s the story of why I tied by balls to a goat.

capricorn and aquarius