how does it feel to be the funniest person on earth

...pre-ordering.

Not wearing any panties is surprisingly comfy

jhinhwei

I 👏🏼 just 👏🏼 wanna 👏🏼 be 👏🏼 someone’s 👏🏼 type 👏🏼 for 👏🏼 once 👏🏼

@laeffy

It's me! Maddie Patel!

“What do all stories have in common, dear Wolf?” “They end.”

"think of all the men whose lives are ruined by false rape accusations-"

Harvey Weinstein's conviction got overturned and Bill Cosby isn't even in jail anymore.

and these are people who were unequivocally guilty, literally the highest profile offenders at the height of the MeToo movement.

shut your mouth.

"womanizer" is one of those words that should mean something other than what it does.

example "i'm a womanizer. i see a guy and i womanize him."

HOLD UP

Fact: one of the endocrinologists at an office I worked at had an "I'm a Womanizer: ask me how!" Pinback button on her lapel. It caused interesting conversations, according to her.

Fucked up I have the body of a human

Shout out to people with body dysmorphia involving animal parts. Tell me about your tail king

I'm sorry I've failed the robots of my audience. You are also valid! I will gladly accept all your cookies

wholesome laffy taffy jokes

This is better than any snl sketch

when you so shit they gotta bust out a famous violinist to drag you

So tonight I joined my parents, and the neighbours, at the local pub quiz. We won, and won the bonus round, much to the annoyance of the other teams. Apparently my parents and their friends win every other week. Nerds. So to prank them the landlord had a special “Super Hard Pub Question” for us for double or nothing on our prize (vouchers for a gallon of beer) to let the rest of the pub feel better because we were “guaranteed to lose” since there was “no way we could know the answer.” I got picked to answer it because I’m the youngest and have less General Knowledge.

The question?

“What is the word for beer in Ancient Egyptian?”

Pub: *loud raucous laughter and cheering*

Landlord: *looks smug*

Me: Do you want that in English or in the original Hieroglyphs?

Landlord: The hieroglyphs of course!

Pub: *more laughter*

Me: *scribbles quickly in the 10 seconds I had to answer*

Landlord: Fuck. Me. 

Pub: *utter silence broken only by someone at the back exclaiming WTF* 

Landlord: How did you even know that?

Me: You picked the one person here who can read them?

Landlord: Oh shit it’s you isn’t it?

Dad yelling from the back: SURPRISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

It’s safe to say we’re simultaneously fucking legends/not very popular at the local right now.

This is my new favorite post.