(904): so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
(317): I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
(910): It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
(319): I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
(864): we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
(828): Where are you guys?
(336): Drunk
(571): i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
(402): Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
(347): we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
(916): we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
(443): I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
(732): he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
(925): Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
(509): Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
(515): Good, be his mentor. Like a gay Yoda.
(253): Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
(602): He blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically