#unethnical and Other Things That Ruined My Life: An Autobiography by bombing

“I just feel like…because of their hands, they have the ability to caress. So I just wonder….would they? do they?”

- @bombing on whether he would watch two raccoons have sex

I just feel like it's a legitimate inquiry

IKEA salesman: may i interest you in our brand new Hitler pillow cases?

me (politically correct): no, thank you

REVOLUTIONARY WAR PORN PARODY “THE POUNDING FATHERS” HAVE TO WRITE DOWN HERE SO I DON’T FORGET ALSO STARRING JOHN HANDCOCK IT’S BASICALLY WRITING ITSELF ALSO CALL ATTORNEY TO SET UP BIGGER BANK ACCOUNT

okay google. take me to Dark Etsy

vegan wicca ritual tutorial

what

your url leads me to believe that you will not be able to help me in this particular field of inquiry

naming my child lemonparty.org was not a “calculated business move”. my beautiful wife and i spent many emotional days reaching that decision

making a telephone call under false pretenses solely for the purposes of my amusement

[shrieking loudly] I’D LIKE TO SPEAK TO BEN DOVER

jenny holzer popup ad

HOT BUSTY MILFS IN YOUR AREA WANT TO PROTECT YOU FROM WHAT YOU WANT

the world is a beautiful place and I am no longer afraid to cuck

the four genders are male, female, samurai and Need For Speed: Tokyo Drift

list of bugs you shouldn’t eat:

1. you’re a coward 2: open your fucking mouth

Apart from poisonous bugs, the only reason not to eat all the others is cultural bias. Bugs are healthier, WAY more environmentally friendly, and on average less likely to transmit disease to humans when eaten than our current protein sources. In the future when we start to run out of land to raise cattle and poultry (or it just becomes too expensive) we are all going to be eating bugs.

This is true! Cricket protein is becoming increasingly popular already.

Bugs are creepy tho. Don’t wanna eat things that freak me out.

The Unquiet Sands Campaign 🌵🏜🌴- I remember reading the original DarkSun AD&D 2e campaign book and it describes a street vendor selling fried rot grubs! It was at that point that I began to suspect that this campaign was going to be extra tough. And it was the most deadly campaign(s) I’ve ever run.

interviewer asked if i thought mario was handsome. he had a mustache so i had to say yes. right? i had to say yes. saying yes was calculated. saying yes was the smart move. 

“hell yeah,” i said. the room was spinning.  “i’d fuck the shit out of mario. i’d let him do things to me that weren’t even legal.” i was overdoing it now but i couldn’t stop. although my mouth was forming words that were coherent, albeit a bit vulgar, the inside of my head was screaming. my mouth was so dry. i needed to stop now. “i want the pipe.” 

he tried to interrupt then. he’d clearly had enough, but i knew that, at that point, i had to keep going. continuing was calculated. continuing was the smart move. 

“i want mario to rip me apart. i want him to blend both of my livers and make me drink it. i want him to freeze his semen into an icicle and stab me thousands and thousands of times.”

he told me to stop then. he didn’t so much say it as yell it, which i personally thought was incredibly rude. you don’t yell during an interview. none of the interview youtube videos i’d watched had mentioned any yelling. i wanted to point it out but he seemed a bit agitated, so i made a mental note to send him a polite email after i’d gotten the job. 

“that’s quite enough.” at least he was using his inside voice now. 

“peach who?” i said, my voice barely above a whisper. my mouth felt as if it were on fire. i needed water. 

“excuse me?”

“peach who” i croaked.  “that’s what mario’s going to say after i–” suddenly i began coughing. maybe even dry heaving a little, but he didn’t have to know that. “–after i fuck his brains out.” i finished. 

turns out mario was his son. i must’ve glanced at the family beach photo on his desk one too many times, but only because i was trying to figure out how one man could be so bald. he must have waxed his head. he had to. no human head reflected direct sunlight with such boldness. 

he began to talk about how there currently wasn’t a position open. i’d watched enough videos to know that was interview talk. it meant i wasn’t getting hired. i had to think fast. maybe there was still a way i could spin this. if i couldn’t attack from outside, maybe i could still infiltrate from within.

“that’s too bad. but maybe you could tell mario to give me a call sometime?”

he called security.

every person who has ever owned a Prius has, at one point or another, attempted to fuck my wife and I want each and every one of you to know that you can all burn in hell

another smash hit post from tumblr blogging legend at bombing

[rachel ray voice] lay siege to your enemies to claim the crown of thorns as your own. ravish the land with war and blood and the hands of god themselves shall bestow it upon your helm. extra virgin olive oil