• If the bristles are a sensory nightmare, try a soft cloth instead. Cloth was one of the methods used before toothbrushes were invented, although they used shit like burlap. Don't do burlap. Cotton or linen should do fine.
• You can also buy natural toothbrushes made with bamboo and boar hair. I've never tried them so I'm not sure how different they'd feel compared to synthetic bristles, but they're pretty cheap on Amazon if you want to give them a shot
• If even the "extra soft" bristles are too stiff, you could try soaking them overnight in some mouthwash to soften them further. This is what we did when I was growing up, and it worked like a charm. Bonus points that the alcohol in the mouthwash kills any germs stuck on the brush
• If the toothpaste flavor is horrendous, make a paste with baking soda and water, then flavor it however you want with a sugar-free extract. Heck, look for recipes to make your own toothpaste, and experiment until you get something you can stand to use.
• If the texture of the toothpaste is bad, the baking soda method might work better for you, or you could try scrubbing salt or activated charcoal on your teeth instead—that's what they used before toothpaste was invented. Personally, I'd recommend the baking soda or making your own toothpaste.
• Different brands often have different textures, and some even have different flavors (this is especially true of kids toothpastes, which work just as well for adults), so swapping brands might help, too. I can't stand Crest, it makes my mouth feel all filmy no matter how well I rinse, but Colgate doesn't leave a weird feeling in my mouth. Also Colgate is the only brand my grocery store carries that has cinnamon flavored toothpaste as an option, and I'm a whore for cinnamon
• You're probably using too much toothpaste anyway. Most people do. You really only need a dollop about the size of a pea. I smush it out across the bristles so I don't have to deal with a glob of it in one spot.
• Floss if you can. That's going to do more to stop your teeth from rotting than brushing will. Standard dental floss is obviously an option, but if you're like me and you can't stand putting your hands in your mouth, try disposable floss picks or investing in a water flosser. I still hate the feeling of the floss between my teeth, but it's manageable since I don't have my fingers in my mouth on top of it. Haven't tried the water flosser since the picks work well enough for me
• Try chewing sugarless gum, especially right after you've eaten. It's not perfect, but it'll help. Also it comes in a billion flavors so hopefully there's something you like in there
• If absolutely none of that is helpful, rinsing with water is still better than nothing. You can mix in salt to help kill bacteria if you can handle it, but bare minimum try to do a rinse and spit.

Let it never be said again that journalism is a humorless business.

Covering an odd tale about a 14-year-old autistic boy who was handcuffed by police and suspended for running down the sidelines of a high school football game at halftime wearing a banana costume, Washington, D.C. reporter Pat Collins donned a grape suit and went out to get his story.

Speaking to Bryan Thompson, who pulled the prank on Sept. 14 and found himself at the center of a controversy over the school’s response, Collins’ sarcastic outrage seemed palpable.

“School officials accused him of being disruptive and disrespectful,” Collins said. “Frankly, I don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

He asked the student: “Why a banana? Why not a … grape?”

“I don’t know,” Thompson replied. “Potassium is great.”

Following the prank, Colonial Forge High School Principal Karen Spillman suspended Thompson for 10 days, and even recommended that he be kicked out of school for the entire year.

Shortly thereafter, Thompson had composed his own rap song about the incident (called “Free Banana Man!”), set up a Facebook page dedicated to “Banana Man,” and someone even launched a petition calling for his suspension to be lifted.

Thompson’s outrage at the punishment was shared by his fellow students, who began creating yellow t-shirts that read, “Free Banana Man!”

So the school did what schools so often do when their authority is challenged: they banned the shirts, began confiscating them, and sent students to detention for supporting their classmate.

That’s when the American Civil Liberties Union got involved, telling the principal that her actions were unconstitutional.

“But when you think about it, you might see [the school’s] point,” Collins jokingly concluded. “It starts with a banana. Then, all of the sudden, you have an apple, and an orange, and maybe a grape! And before you know it, you have fruit salad in the schools! We can’t have that.”

The school’s principal was ultimately forced to resign, and Thompson has since returned to his studies. [x]