When I got these messages out of nowhere, I immediately panicked. I had an idea of who sent the messages but I had no idea what they would actually do, and my mind went to the worst possibilities. At the time, I was terrified and acted irrationally. I completely snapped and reacted by making a post to try to appease them. I tried to explain every bad thing I had experienced in the last few years in terms of it being my fault, even if I was just an observer, or had been taken advantage of in one case. I stayed vague because I didn't know what this person wanted from me, and tried to keep it brief instead of going into all the details, and my habit of self-blame implied far worse things than what actually happened. Not that I'm saying I'm completely innocent. Far from it. But my irrational and panicked response caused more harm than good and I need to set the record straight.
the roleplay group that ended August 2021 I mentioned, I may have technically been the oldest but the age range when the group started was only 15-18. We were in the pandemic and trying to escape from reality. I fell into the same destructive attention-seeking patterns as before and I beat myself up for not being a "responsible adult" even though we're only 1-3 years apart. I was a shit friend again. I'm so sorry, Asriel.
And to clarify the biggest issue: In October 2021, I joined another RP community. I fell into the same selfish patterns again, having written a character who was very pitiable and self-loathing. I met someone and we became friends! We had started writing character lore and group events. He wanted to include hypnosis which seemed innocent enough, but it started to make me uncomfortable. I kept thinking I was reading too much into his odd requests but when his character tried to force mine to "say something submissive" I put my foot down IMMEDIATELY and it went no further. That was as far as it went, it was never explicit at any point, and I found out later he was getting off the hypnosis itself as a fetish. I felt violated. I STILL feel violated, and ashamed. I let myself get manipulated by a kid 5 years younger than me into roleplay that he got off to, but who the fuck would believe the adult in that scenario? That's the truth of what I vague-posted before, and the main reason I felt the need to explain myself once I calmed down from the initial panic of those anonymous threats. I have also now cut contact completely.
With regards to the sender of the anonymous message:
In 2019, I tried to introduce a friend to friends in a large community, but things went poorly to an explosive degree. Instead of defending her, I joined in making fun of her reaction and continued to the point of slander. If she did something I didn't like I’d complain to someone else about every little thing she did to upset me instead of saying it to her face so we could fix it. This spiraled out of control.
I had this conflicting thought process of not wanting to bother people with my problems and wanting validation from everyone, which meant I’d act vague about what was wrong and then get upset over these problems not being magically resolved. I was a very passive-aggressive, sometimes outright aggressive person. I was also loud and attention-seeking, too focused on what I was feeling to acknowledge how I hurt other people with my actions.
Looking back on these conversations, I don’t know what my mindset was at the time. I would fight her heavily over her agreeing to set boundaries for me. I would panic and just start screaming at the smallest sign of conflict. I complained to people over conversations that were ultimately civil, or at the very least snarky remarks that she had already apologized for. I’d get frustrated over the most stupid stuff.
As we started to talk more, a joke ship between our characters emerged. I loved the idea at the time and drew fanart because it made me feel special and validated. I would use this to get closer with her and get her attention, throwing fits if I didn't get it. At some point I talked to a friend about it and realized how "problematic" the ship was because of not only the age difference between my character and her version of Dust Sans, but also how abusive the yandere trope as a whole was. I flipped and became resentful, but instead of being straightforward I started slandering it. I used the phrase ‘pedo-ship’ to describe it due to the age difference between Dust and my character. I was referring to the ship, not the creator, but I should have been more careful with my words, especially given her past. I was careless and cruel with how I talked about her.
In March of 2020 things came to a head. We cut contact for our mutual well-being, as we kept hurting each other. I lashed out, yelling more and more about everything and escalating things further. This all stopped in August of 2020, in response to a potential lawsuit. I didn’t know what the lawsuit was about at the time, other than knowing it was related to the awful things I said about her. I just stopped talking about the situation then and there. We hadn't had contact since, until now. In that post, I stated I hadn’t changed and used the above incidents as example. Again, I made that post and those claims in a state of panic, reverting to the state I was in when I last talked to the sender. Nothing can actually fix what I did, and the trauma I inflicted won’t magically be resolved with an ‘I’m sorry’. However, the approach I took to this situation ultimately only made things worse, and it’s best if I’m more honest with my past actions beyond saying ‘it’s all my fault’ with no explanation.
Despite bumps in the road, I’ve gotten better at addressing interpersonal issues as they come up instead of bottling it up. I still think low of myself, but I’ve become better at recognizing those behaviors and my own faults. I’ve resolved not to take out my self-hatred and aggression onto my friends anymore, and I have come to better terms with my past actions, as shitty as they were. I still have a lot I need to work on with a professional therapist. I went to therapy for a little over a year, until it seemed like I was no longer benefitting from it. Then I stopped going. I’m not sure if it was me needing to grow more or if the therapist wasn't a good fit, but I am seeking seeking help again so I can improve myself and stop making the same mistakes.
I'm sticking to my inactivity. I'll come back eventually, but for now, it’s best if I stay off of social media and focus on myself. My 'confession' post reflected my feelings at the time but not an accurate depiction of what actually happened, and did more harm than good. I just wanted to correct that before I move on. Personal growth isn’t something I want to flaunt and say “see? I’m better now!” It’s something that needs to be shown and consistently worked on. And I will continue to do that.
