Thanks for the memories (A/N)
Discussion of slightly heavy topics and maybe TMI ahead. Point is this.
A couple people might have known that this was a long time coming, but here it is: the day I officially leave the Maribat fandom.
I may continue to update a few fics that I’m genuinely passionate about, but I wouldn’t count on it.
While writing Maribat, I’ve never had the most healthy mindset. I started writing during an antidepressant-induced manic episode during September of 2020. I continued writing afterwards only out of obligation since my fic at the time, Soulmarks, was not done yet. However, I quickly realized that, when writing, I would get comments, and the positive affirmation felt amazing to someone going through a particularly bad depressive episode. I got addicted to comments, kudos, and hits. I would spend hours a day refreshing my ao3 author page constantly and bask in the dopamine I would get from every new interaction. And, in those hours, I would write until my hands hurt (and, sometimes, far past that). Because if I wrote more, I could post more, and I would get more in return.
But, as time moved on, people began to leave as they found other things to obsess over. What had been a somewhat manageable problem and mildly unhealthy mindset began to spiral. The threshold for dopamine hits kept increasing. Hits and kudos were no longer enough, I needed comments in particular, and then comments that were more than just emojis, and then… well, you get the point.
I needed a certain amount of interaction on my fics to feel happy, and I wasn’t getting them anymore. So, I did what I always did, and wrote more and more and more.
Until I woke up every morning in pain, until my fingers and arms started to hurt when I tried to straighten them, until I woke up after a nap a month ago and found my hands poised for typing in my lap.
However, for the past few months, I have been slipping in and out of mania once again, and it has made me realize something:
I don’t enjoy writing for Maribat anymore. Because, as much as I hyperfixate on things and write for hours at a time, I never once wanted to update one of my Maribat fics.
I still updated sometimes, out of obligation, but I never was happy to do it. Writing stories I used to love was like pulling teeth, I would dread it to the point where even the comments I might get weren’t enough to motivate me anymore. Because there would only be ‘a few’, and they wouldn’t be ‘good enough’, and I was no longer ‘happy’.
In fact, I was miserable.
I should disclaim that I do not believe that I am owed comments. My mental health is my responsibility and my responsibility alone.
But I have begun to realize that, just like you don’t owe me comments, I do not owe you fics.
And, so, I am leaving this fandom. I will still be in fandom spaces, such as discords, as I have made many friends and happy memories that I do not wish to lose, but for many of you this is goodbye.
Thank you for supporting me all of these years, and I hope you all figure out what makes you happy, too.
