@methodizedataxia / methodizedataxia.tumblr.com
Welp, looks like I’m going to definitely be over at Twitter (@Composed_Khaos) and my Instagram (composed_khaos, I’m seeing a trend here lol) for my artwork and random blurbs.
Gonna be going through my blogs and saving what I can before deleting them on the 17th. You can catch me on Twitter and Instagram (I have a Facebook page too, but I haven’t updated it in a while).
Welp, looks like I’m going to definitely be over at Twitter (@Composed_Khaos) and my Instagram (composed_khaos, I’m seeing a trend here lol) for my artwork and random blurbs.
Gonna be going through my blogs and saving what I can before deleting them on the 17th. You can catch me on Twitter and Instagram (I have a Facebook page too, but I haven't updated it in a while).
Welp, looks like I'm going to definitely be over at Twitter (@Composed_Khaos) and my Instagram (composed_khaos, I'm seeing a trend here lol) for my artwork and random blurbs.
i made a new character and he a thot (Edit: His name is Tybalt! Thanks, Sin Box!)
Incubus boi from a currently patreon exclusive pin up I randomly did. He doesn’t have a name yet but he naughty. I also got this outfit from a fucky cosplayer
Following the Shakespeare named demons trend, here’s Tybalt’s lover Balthazar. He’s actually the most level-headed and chill of the three. He gets summoned a lot for nefarious purposes but always flusters humans when he shows up. He wants them to stop calling on him so he can catch up on his reading.
Spicier versions for $10+ patrons on my Patreon, or if you just pledge $1+ you can see him and Tybs bangin’~
I gave Tybalt a half-brother appropriately named Mercutio and he’s the very definition of talk shit get hit except he’s the one getting hit because he runs his twunk-bottom mouth all the time
Hey folks! Haven't been around here in a while, and I doubt that I'll get hit by the purge, but just in case, you can find me on Twitter as @Composed_Khaos. Currently trying to figure out another place for art, probably Artstation will be my next site.
I was surprised when I saw the recent Kotaku article on Sexism at Riot. To be clear, the contents didn’t surprise me, I just never really thought any of it would be addressed. I was excited that this might be breaking new grounds, but unfortunately I’ve been seeing arguments and denials tossed around online in the vein of “Oh these are disgruntled women who couldn’t hack it, got fired, and want revenge”. I’m normally a really private person, but I felt that my position as a woman who was pretty successful at Riot and left on good terms, will have weight in backing up the validity of their claims. I hope sharing my experiences will be constructive, and help Riot create a healthier, safer, and better place for women.
As a woman, I rolled 20s with most of my teams and leads. I was really lucky. My Art Directors all looked out for me and deeply cared about my career. I got to work with some really solid men who respected and supported me. Some of my favorite human beings are men that I met at Riot, however, my experience living in the ecosystem of Riot and interacting with random Rioters, made me realize that my luck was atypical, and even my incredible fortune didn’t completely protect me from how exhausting and perpetually insulting it is to exist as a woman in a sexist culture.
I’m not sure how to go about writing this, since I’ve never really done it before. How do you talk about 5 years of awful, painful, mosquito bites so that people who have never been bitten can understand? I don’t know, but I’ll try starting at the beginning. When I joined Riot I was almost religious about my devotion and love for League of Legends. This was my dream job, and also my first real non-freelance job. I was a baby drinking some strong kool-aide, there are things I put up with then, that I absolutely wouldn’t now.
I was a 20-something year old junior employee, and one of my first not-so-great experiences was at a company party where they were awarding a Rioter for his achievements. This senior leader who won the award later stumbled upon me trying to hide in a dark corner because I hate nightclubs. For context; he is way older than me, and he was very drunk. He started asking me questions and coming uncomfortably close. I can’t remember what brought it on, but he started aggressively asking me “Do you know who I AM?!” Then his friend found him, apologized, and dragged him away.
I’m sure a lot of women can relate to feeling completely safe one moment, and then the next moment something happens and you experience the crushing realization that you’re still just prey. That’s what Riot felt like from then on. It felt like I was a deer trying to thrive while constantly surrounded by wolves. This feeling was validated over and over again. I got pretty good at pretending to be a wolf though.
Not too long after I started at Riot, the topic of sexual harassment came up in a conversation among a few Rioters on the art team, I was there, just listening. They were talking about something that had happened to a woman there, and I had no context for it, but was surprised when one of the guys on the team claimed that “she liked the attention”. The subject was then laughed off. I later found out what actually happened, a female employee received super inappropriate texts from a lead. This group of dudebros laughed it off and made her the villain. I still think about that, and it still makes me sick to my stomach. Riot tells women to be brave and come forward. For what, though? For their male coworkers to snicker behind their backs and diminish their suffering? What kind of justice is that?
While on the job at Riot I generally felt pretty empowered, my Art Directors were really supportive and trusting, they acknowledged my work & potential, and they rewarded my achievements. They always took me seriously, genuinely listened to me, and answered every question I had. I can’t, however, ignore the fact that striving for those achievements was harder as a woman than if I was a man. I feel like the road would have been easier if I wasn’t interrupted, ignored, or spoken over much more than my peers. If men didn’t cut me off mid-sentence in meetings to mock the way I said “Sorry”. I was on a team full of people from diverse backgrounds, I didn’t see any of them get their thoughts kicked aside for the sake of entertainment the way that mine were. (Poking fun at Canadians seems like a bit of a sport for Americans, and when I expressed some of my frustrations to Canadian peers they were aghast at how nasty it gets if you’re a woman).
I also can’t help but think I would have felt more empowered if I wasn’t told by a male coworker that “Women don’t fit into a male hierarchy.” Maybe I would have been more inclined to strive for greatness if I wasn’t dismissively called a “pretty pretty princess” when my first champion, Jinx, did so well (among a bunch of other thinly veiled jealous verbal barbs). I actually went to a lead to express my frustration over this and he said “Yeah I can see why he’s acting like that, I mean I’m kind of jealous too.” What was that about women speaking up again?
I probably would have helped push the bar of quality if some of my male peers didn’t go behind my back to call me “vicious” when I gave them feedback on how to improve their craft, or have 1:1s to discuss how “intimidating” I am. Would I have burnt out so hard trying to improve champion reworks if a few male coworkers could handle their AD suggesting that they use my designs? Some of them couldn’t swallow that pill, and instead attempted to stir up rumors about how impossible I am to work with. What would I have done if I didn’t have a team of supportive men to deny those claims?
Not too long into my career one of my male coworkers might have thought he was giving me a compliment when he decided to tell me about how great some of the guys thought my breasts were. I had made the foolish mistake of going to a Riot pool party, wearing a swimsuit, and swimming. I hope I don’t have to explain how violating that felt, at any rate I learned my lesson, and I never attended another. Was I supposed to make noise about this when I was already finding it difficult to just do my job in peace?
My days might have been a bit easier to manage if I didn’t have to stifle my rage when a male coworker would explain to me how to make designs for women, and how to be a feminist. Realizing that they believe their opinion as a dude meant more than, I don’t know, my entire lifetime of experience as a woman?
Life probably would have felt a touch less exhausting if I didn’t have to also deal with unsolicited male shit-takes. There are too many to list, but here’s a fun one; I was chatting with my husband (who also worked at Riot) about how I didn’t like to go to the gym at lunch because I was too lazy to redo my makeup, a random Rioter felt the need to jump into our conversation and inform me that I should give men more credit that they’ll like me even without make-up. Oh right, my coworkers think I wear eyeliner so they think I’m fuckable. Cool. Glad I get to take those thoughts with me to my next meeting.
I remember venting about my grievances to some coworkers, and a lead took me aside and said it seemed like I was trying to spread rumors. This is what happens when you speak up, even a little, as a woman. You’re not raising awareness, you’re disturbing the peace.
Even the Riot Dames email group didn’t feel like a safe space, when we were discussing the lack of female characters in esports promos a senior lead decided to chime in and question whether women deserved to be represented, they haven’t really earned it yet, as pro LoL players were all male. Oh, and on the topic of men thinking women are inherently lesser and must prove otherwise, let’s discuss another gross habit: saying “you’re really good at _______ for a chick.” The “compliment” that allows men to feel like they’re being gracious, while reminding us that we’re fundamentally inferior. (I should have started a swear jar for this one.)
One of the final demoralizing experiences I had close to the end of my time at Riot was during a mandatory leadership training workshop. This was long past the point in my career where I had learned to adopt a faux-alpha personality, I could survive, and I did great in the workshop. I hated it, but I did great. There was another woman there who didn’t have an alpha-type personality, one who is incredibly thoughtful, smart, responsible, talented, and genuinely amazing. I heard advice given to her that was something along the lines of “She’s great and will be even better when she finds her voice!” Finds her voice? I couldn’t understand what they meant, because to me she had a voice, and I could hear her plainly whenever she spoke. I puzzled over it for a while. It wasn’t until much later, when another female colleague left Riot, and called me out to thank me for being someone who would listen to her. That was a painful realization, a fair amount of men at Riot just didn’t listen to women, and the solution wasn’t to teach men to listen, it was to teach women to overcome the unchangeable status quo of men ignoring them. The solution was to put the burden of being ignored on women and train them to shout and scream until they were heard, and willfully ignoring the fact that women face consequences for behaving in the very ways they’re being trained to act, just so that the men won’t have to do anything.
If you’re wondering what consequences I’m talking about, during an anonymous round of feedback my male coworkers decided to give me notes like “she lacks empathy” and “she seems like she’s only in it for herself.” That’s what women get for having a voice.
A lot of the realizations I’ve been able to have came to me after I left Riot. I look back on my own behavior, and hope that in my quest to succeed as a Rioter I wasn’t forced to unknowingly perpetuate a horrible environment for other women, women who aren’t like me, women who didn’t have the shields of protective and caring managers, and a handful of really supportive peers. I also look back and finally understand why I was so, so tired, why I found a safe R&D team to just hide on and pretended the rest of Riot didn’t exist.
I’m assuming I’ll get a lot of “why didn’t you speak up when you were there?!” comments (you know the ones that attempt to shift the blame of a toxic environment onto the victims). Honestly, at the time I didn’t know how deeply problematic a lot of this was. There was probably a healthy dose of stockholm syndrome required for me to be successful there. It took me a good two years after I left, and joined a studio where this behavior is non-existent to appreciate how messed up the first 5 years of my career was. My current coworkers immediately say “oh sorry I interrupted you” when they get excited and talk over me, and we actively weed out people who can’t deal with women in positions of authority while we interview them. In fact, I had to start un-learning some of the survival tactics I adopted at Riot because frankly, they’re just rude. It turns out you don’t need to bully people into listening to you when all of your coworkers respect and support you from the start.
Despite what I’ve detailed (and I could go on, but I’ll stop before this becomes a memoir) I am optimistic about Riot’s future. When people argue “oh the games industry is like this, it’s not just Riot” yes, that is true, and we should hold them all to higher standards. Riot is one of the most forward thinking studios, and one that I believe is incredibly capable of change. The resources and talent they have can move mountains, if they’re collectively willing to set aside their egos, to listen, learn, and make the sacrifices necessary to be better. This is a difficult task, and I don’t envy the work ahead to them. That studio is the size of a small town, and it’s going to take a lot of work to retroactively dig out the weeds that have been ignored and allowed to develop roots, but when has Riot ever shied away from difficult tasks?
Writing this has been therapeutic in a painful, anxious, embarrassing, and infuriating way. I’ve cried over the article, and over my female colleagues’ posts since the article. Five years of pain and insult that I tried my best to stifle and ignore for the sake of success are finally validated, and feeling all of the hurt at once is overwhelming. It’s simultaneously frustrating and empowering, and there is no way to properly thank the incredibly brave women who stepped up first. Thank you for shedding light on this problem, and inspiring other women with your courage.
P.S. I also wanted to thank all of the supportive Directors and peers I had at Riot. On several occasions these guys would chase down men who interrupted me or otherwise treated me like a lesser human. You know who you are, I’m not being dramatic when I say those actions were life-changing for me, I wouldn’t be where I am today if most of my leads didn’t treat me like their equal, and force others to do the same. I hope someday Riot will be a place where that isn’t necessary, and the default setting for everyone is mutual respect.
Some of my recent pieces from my gothic “Beauty and the Beast” retelling 🥀
NOICE.
I would happily purchase this version.
The Laura Croft game we all deserve
Yessss Lookit him. So empowering.
Ash. Smoke. Fire. What was once a beautiful shore, allowing for a picture perfect view of the current home of the night elves, was now covered in the eye stinging ash of memories gone up in flame. Even as they stood on the shore, they could hear screams of their people who were caught by the deadly flames that turned the skyline into a mosaic of orange, crimson and a startling empty black. Twin night elves watched from the trees, their presence undetectable, as the unholy Banshee Queen Sylvanas and her Horde seemed to revel in the destruction caused by their Azerite driven machines. They did not stay long, leaving the shore to finish their occupation of the elven port town north of their current location. Their earlier assignment to free the captured civilians taken by the invading forces, given by Captain Daleryn and their Shand'o Malfurion, to had led them to circle back to where the final clash between the two sides had taken place. It was unfortunate timing as the pitied last words of their noble and dying captain seemed to throw Sylvanas into a rage, her screams of "Burn It" echoing down the shore. On a normal basis, the machines would have no chance to reach the shore with their embers. But the power of the Azerite gave their deadly bombs the extra lift and distance needed to reach the World Tree. And with that, the power needed to ignite it rather rapidly. There were audible gasps of surprise as some members of the Horde shook their head at the wanton destruction and death that loomed, quite literally, on the horizon. Others hollered and praised their War Chief's handling of the foolish elves. Kalrine, the soot covered silver eyed priestess half of the Skyshadow twins, held her arms around the shoulders of her golden eyed sister, Huntress Laline. The older of the two wished to send a poisoned bolt through the back of the genocidal War Chief, but a visibly upset Kalrine shook her head. "There has been enough death for one day. Do not make me mourn your loss as well." Her eyes gazed over to the now still form of Daleryn and the bodies of fallen Sentinels, Druids of the Claw and Priestesses of Elune that littered the ground, treated as such rubbish by the Horde. They waited until Sylvanas and her forces left the area before Kalrine raced to the form of Daleryn, pulling her away from the waters that threatened to wash her away. A prayer for her would be last. She laid her further up towards the treeline before performing the death rites for their friends and allies. Even though Kalrine's powers tended toward the shadow, she was still a Priestess of Elune. Kalrine pressed her forehead to that of their fallen kin, whispering a simple prayer to Elune against their cooling skin. Even with the fire raging and the warm ash falling, she could feel the warmth of life leave them. Laline had gathered piles of leaves to place their heads on and was ordering the ragtag rescued group of surviving Night elves and Gilneans from the port that had appeared to help with the rites and moving of the bodies from the water. Some of those who were blessed with healing powers tended to the injured who wailed in sorrow at both their survival and simultaneous death of a part of them. A scream tore from an arrow riddled Druid of the Claw. "They burn! Our people burn! I can hear their screams! I can feel the heat! Those who walk the Dream scream!" His eyes were wide and wild before his body went still and limp. A Gilnean priest held him in his arms and soothed him as he had finally passed out from shock. He would survive, but who knew if his mind would. Lalrine blinked, watching black forms flitter about the skyline coming from the direction of Darnassus. Her eyes widened as realization came to her: There were survivors. Her keen eyes and ears caught the labored coughs and she turned partly to those around her. "There are survivors! They come on the backs of hippogryphs! Be ready to receive them! Hunters, grab the animals and lead them to a safe spot to rest. Sentinals, guard the perimeter. Druids, take the people and find what supplies we have to give them fresh water. Those of you who can heal, grab someone and tend to their wounds." There was a mad scramble behind her as they managed to finish up with the moving of most of the bodies for Kalrine and two other Priestesses of Elune to perform rites for. Kalrine nodded to her sister before the other took off to help receive those who escaped a little further up the shore. There would be no doubt that the Horde would pay for this, but for now, she sought the guidance of Elune and prayed that her grace would guide them. Grace... She looked over to the still form of Daleryn, her head surrounded by a halo of leaves and wandered towards her, kneeling next to her form. "By Elune's Grace, we will meet when you are reborn. Rest now." She removed the arrows, snapping their shafts if she could not before laying her down and placing a large leaf over her now closed eyes. She closed her own eyes to begin before they snapped open. Her eyes turned towards Darnassus and she whispered aloud a name. "Astarrii... Oh my teacher." She could see as if it were her own eyes that the heat and soot stung. There were evacuations happening and she watched as the twins' mother stepped through, singed though alive children clinging to her. She offered a sob of relief as thanks for Astarrii allowing her to see what the priestess saw. There was also a sob as she knew Astarrii would stay to help comfort those who were trapped and unable to escape. Mia Greymane was ushered away, Tyrande having prayed for help to heal her debris broken legs. She was brought through the portal, along with a few brave souls who had arrived on Tyrande's orders to help as it finally collapsed. Kalrine sobbed, knowing that this was Astarii's resolve to stay until the end. "We will pray with you. Elune Adore. May we meet again when you are reborn." Tears accompanied her words as the two priestesses joined Kalrine in song through Astarii leading them. A stillness and peace washed over them and they felt the caress of Elune's grace in their mind, urging them into restful sleep. The last thing Kalrine felt before she fell asleep was Astarii's joy that Elune still blessed them and her thanks to those on the shore for being with them. She awoke to darkness and a well worn bed underneath her. Light streamed in through a crack on the wall to her side and Kalrine checked herself to see if she was dreaming. One pinch, and a yelp later and she knew she was awake. And somehow in her own room, the sleeping form of her husband, gnome warlock Gizwig Shadowrocket, snuggled in next to her. There was a presence in the corner of the room and she held her arms out to it, before nearly being crushed in an embrace by her sister. Laline murmured a flurry of words, all of which were punctuated by a squeeze. "How long have I been out, Lin?" "Three days. We thought we had lost you, until we heard word from Tyrande of Elune's will. We know that Elune's grace granted those left in the fire a beautiful and deep sleep, as to not suffer. The fires have mostly died down, but pockets still smolder. Fire mages have surveyed the city and spoke of still forms who simply seemed to lay where they were, as if they slept. But it is gone. Our home is gone." The huntress' head sagged before looking up at her sister, a fierce determination in her eyes. "Anduin readies for war on Lordaeron." Kalrine's face was unreadable until she stuck out a hand, a tendril of void energy whipping around and through it. "We will be ready. Right Giz?" The formerly sleeping form of her husband sat up and nodded to them. Kalrine turned to Laline, letting the energy disappate before hugging her sister once more. "We will not let this break us. Sylvanas sought to destroy the Alliance's spirit with this. And she will find her actions have only led to our resolve being stronger." -------- A little short story for my twin nelfs, Kalrine and Laline on their role in the end of the War of Thorns. I'd like to think that the questline would not be what some characters chose to follow.
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Thank you for your consideration and support, and I look forward to sharing my fun and sexy creations with you!
Support her! She's freaking awesome!
Shout out to the folks who came to my stream if you weren’t there you missed us workshopping the shit out of my Suggestive Box graphic it was the best collaborative effort I have ever been a part of
Getting commission composition sketches started with a lovely troll babe in some ruins. Red headed troll pin up? Be still my heart! ♥
A little soft summer solstice doodle of my baby Grey in his spirit form, who loves the solstices.
I love my big dumb barbarian babe, Dreena. She can chuck a dragonborn across the room, but always has time to play with her kittens. Especially when her group is discussing boring stuff like how to prevent Tiamet from coming.
I totally still draw, i swear. Finished some lineart for my nelf, Kalrine. One of my best yet.
