I made this blog to let off steam about my ptsd and depression and all that shit. I know this is already cringy as is, but it's been getting worse for me lately and I don't have a therapist nor will I be able to get one (because of family). So please be nice and feel free to let off some steam yourself
Shit my brain tells me pt4
”It’s been two years. Two fucking years!! You pathetic piece of fucking garbage!“
Why am I crying. . .
I don’t understand.
What happened?
What did I do?
Yay here comes that random burst of depression for the day!
“You don’t deserve to eat. If you do you’ll be rewarding yourself for how horrible you are.”
I can still remember the nights I would sit in my room and try to numb myself no matter the costs (usually with music). The nights after a horrible fight with my mother. I can still remember just staring at the ceiling with my mind completely empty. It might seem strange but 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 was the most terrifying part of living with my mother. It was the calm 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 the storm that still makes me shake today. . .
“All these thoughts are fake. You’re just a typical teenager. None of your feelings are valid because other people have it worse than you.”
“Try to find (input toxic ex's name). You know you want that companionship again. Even if it was toxic at least he wanted you. At least he wanted you unlike anyone else ever will. You deserve that pain that stress anyway."
I feel straight-up called out by everyone except the abandonment one
Being emotionally drained is draining
"I soon forgot him. I began to think of myself again. My foot was aching, I shivered with every step. Just a few more meters and it will all be over. I'll fall. A small red flame, a shot. Death enveloped me, it suffocated me, it stuck to me like glue. I felt it, I could touch it. The idea of dying, ceasing to be, began to fascinate me. To no longer exist. To no longer feel the excruciating pain in my foot. To no longer feel anything, neither fatigue nor cold, nothing. To break rank, to let myself slide to the side of the road." That last line still sticks with me today. I have never been through anything even remotely as horrid as what he had gone through, but I understand that feeling. I have thought the same thought. Of allowing myself to just slip away and "slide to the side of the road."
Thought
when i’m depressed, i tend to forget things. like the times i hugged someone and they hugged back tighter, the times i couldn’t stop laughing and smiling from ear to ear. the thoughtful compliments i received, the genuine looks of surprise and joy i helped put on someone’s face, and the days where nothing important really happened, but i felt happy. but forgetting these things doesn’t mean they never happened. they existed once, and they’re proof that even though i haven’t felt myself for a while, some days in my life can be pretty nice, and there will be more days like that in the future.
Y'all every just. . . cry out of nowhere because a song you have never heard before somehow conjures up a traumatic memory. And you try to stop crying because it makes you feel weak but you can't stop because you haven't cried in so long that the fact that you're crying conjures up more traumatic memories that you associate with the few other times that you've cried. So now you're stuck in this endless loop for hours and all your left with is the scrambled sounds of people yelling at you, the feelings you associate with those memories, and the smell of that mother fucking 𝐟𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐥𝐞 stuck in your lungs?
