Coming around for that once every six months post it where I rant to help process something...
I'm on the up swing religiously which is amazing. I'm not sure what triggered it but I'm also trying to pace myself and not throw myself into everything at once for the start.
I ran into something very weird though. I've been listening/watching a lot of pagan/atheist/religious study YouTube, and the other night I was listening to one as I slept that was talking about Christianity and some how, something in the video brought up a thought in my mind and Im unsure how to process it.
It made me think back to my time as a Christian, as a teenager and a young child. I was raised Christian and stayed Christian until I was 19 in college when I could finally learn about other religions. The main thing that made me leave Christianity was a) being bisexual and the deep conflict there and b) starting to question the validity of the Bible.
But prior to that I was very Christian! But not in the usual way. I didn't really go to church and never really felt like I should or had to go to church. But I prayed a lot, at least once a week at bed. Giving up my anxieties and wishes to God at bedtime was a big ritual for me. I was a weird little goth teen that wore a cross because Jesus meant a lot to me. And why wouldn't he? I was raised from the very start in a church by my grandma. Not maliciously from her, she's one person I consider to be a good Christian.
As a little kid I went to church a lot, and Bible camp (I'll admit *that* was weird). There's a lot in being Christian that is weird.
I'm getting off topic... What came across my mind was that *I missed jesus*. Excuses me what!? I don't miss being Christian, I don't miss "God" or the Bible. But damn, the churches I went to really fed me the Jesus loves me shit and I ate that down. And you know what I miss that. And I think thats okay.
In hellenic polytheism I have never had the same kind of "relationship" with the gods as I felt I had with Jesus. I have prayed silently to some of the theoi at bedtime, but it always feels a little weird or wrong, like I shouldnt be doing it that way, because it's not reconstructionist or it's too much like my past religion.
And maybe it's weird, I don't know, I've never felt the strong "unconditional love" that Jesus is said to have. Again not everyone may have felt that growing up in Christianity but I did. Maybe it was a response to my broken home and trauma. Jesus was my imaginary friend who always loved me, who was always listening and watching, who could be there whenever I asked. And I loved that so much, even up to being a teenager! But I haven't felt that same way with the Greek gods, for whatever reason... It's not really meant to be the same. We build kharis. It's not a personal relationship like Christianity teaches you have with god/Jesus.
I think this shows me I'm missing something specific in my religion that I would value having again and I'm not sure how to replace it/replicate it. There's a lot more I could say about this but it would probably keep getting weirdly Christian. But I'll be clear I don't believe in Christianity at all anymore. I believe in the positive experiences I felt when I prayed to Jesus. (I never want to go back to being afraid I'll burn in hell because I like like girls.)
I'm having a lot of weird experiences religiously lately. This was just one of them. I think I may be leading to something important in the coming months. Guess we'll see.